bless the broken road

embrace cheesiness.
post a blog post with lyrics. again.
love your girlfriend out loud.
declare unpayable debt to God.
smile. laugh. love.

Every long lost dream led me to where you are
Others who broke my heart they were like Northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

of course i wouldn't know. God has His plans that wind and confound. but whatever happens, you've made me smile that stupid smile even stupider than before.

for that, thank you.

my aldersgate moment

"In the evening I went very unwillingly to a society in Aldersgate Street where one was reading Luther's preface to the Epistle to the Romans. About a quarter before nine, while he was describing the change which God works in the heart through faith in Christ, I felt my heart strangely warmed."

- John Wesley

It's strange how your day can sometimes mirror what you are hearing without you realising it until it hits you like an amazing revelation. Today was the first time for me.

My struggles this week haven't been of the monumental sort. i wish they were sometimes, because the big things are easier to handle. but no, it wasn't to be the case. little things like death striking people who aren't particularly close to my heart but are familiar faces nonetheless, and altogether in a week. the usual case of sinning too: doing what i'm not supposed to do and not doing what i should be doing; more often it is the latter rather than the former that weighs me down. then there's that distance from God, not having heard His voice clear and still above the storm for so long.

if problems were like raindrops, i'd rather they come all at once like the torrential downpour instead of trickling in like the greyish drizzle. it perpetuates for a forever and more, and it drags your spirits down into the muddy slosh it forms. but enough on this, because this is about my mini-aldersgate.

i was learning about the history of the church and Methodism today. unlike the previous sessions on theology, doctrines and all, this stuff really excites me. i like hearing stories [which fuels my interest in history] and the story of the church really gets me going. i hear about amazing things that i've never heard before, like how Christianity spread into Asia first before going into Europe. the missions into China in AD600. the matyrdom of the Christians in Persia. the internal conflicts within the church. it was almost like a fantastical tale that no writer could weave, save for the master Author of life.

hearing about the failure of the church because of human weakness jolted me from my drudgery. it was as if a little ember that glowed in my tired heart suddenly burst into scorching flames, forcing me to take notice. i've spent months having my determination to pursue missions wholeheartedly whittle down, my faith being rocked by thunderous winds, feeling discouraged by the consuming darkness. then, this song bursts out in my ailing heart and calls me to sing along.

for the first time in months, i felt convicted, reaffirmed. my problems didn't disappear. God forbid they should. the dead remain departed. the words uttered remain spoken. but there was now a refining fire were there once was none, and the song it sang made all the difference.

as i learned about John Wesley, founder of the Methodist church, struggling to serve God in his frail humanity, making terrible mistakes and facing discouraging circumstances, i felt a strange bond with him. yes, a man who lived more than 200 years ago. just like he felt when he trudged to aldersgate, i felt similarly discompelled. but the message he heard there and then woke him from his stupor, and left him feeling strangely warmed, just as i, hearing all that has been said, feel similarly warmed in that shadowy recess of my heart. the fog that seemed to cloud my thinking turned out to be a passing veil, at this moment drawn away to reveal the road ahead to higher peaks.

so, even as the fire singes and sings, it sets me alight as well as i sing along in its curious melody. it seems strangely familiar, as if i know the tune but i have forgotten the words. the flames roll to my tongue, and my voice then sparks into the familiarity of this unknown language. and i could speak, sing forever, in this tongue of the Spirit, knowing that the words to sing come from Him alone.

and He sings the same tune too.

this road that we travel

before i begin, let me make a general apology to everyone if i appear a bit distant and off-focus. i've been shortchanging myself of sleep and feeling really bleagh. my head is spinning a little and i think my body is trying very hard not to fall sick so i won't give up the fight yet. shall wait till i'm wheezing, sneezing and feverish before i finally consign myself to bed.

anyway, to CT grades. generally meeting expectations for all 3 subjects [although i'm still missing half my history grade for now]. 68.5 for GP isn't bad, considering how i thought the paper was rather difficult. my 65.7 for Econs was a bit disappointing, but seeing the difficulty of the paper and the relative results of everyone else, i should be quite thankful. likewise for history, because a 31/50 is nothing to feel really good about, but compared to everyone else, it isn't too bad. my TSD got a C+, with quite a bit of encouragement from the teachers, so i feel rather content and ready to head forward.

actually, i appreciate TSD in a peculiar way. sometimes, i tend to get carried away with my hubris. even now that i've dropped lit, knowing that the lit dept "all felt quite stunned", as mr ng put it, was disconcerting but quite a compliment at the same time. then the absurd situation of me topping hist and econs in class despite what i feel are disappointing grades make my head inflate a bit bigger.

so TSD comes along and pops that expanding balloon which is my ego and head. not that a C+ is bad, but seeing how the other sound designers both got As, knowing my good friends all did much better than me and also knowing that i'm a crass actor all keep me back down to humble earth. whenever my other subjects tempt me to totally slack off, TSD jolts me awake and reminds me to consciously keep working and improving myself. for that, i'm proud and glad to be a TSDian.

there's still a long journey to the prelims and the A levels, but i think i'm ready for the long haul, God willing. of course, it's too early to say. these exams are the biggest i'll ever have faced, i do have a relationship to take into consideration and, most importantly, there's a walk with God to take into account. furthermore, little surprises do make guest appearances in life more often than we'd like them to. nevertheless, i'll go the distance.

on a lighter note, V for Vendetta is an excellent movie. WATCH IT! :) the fight scenes do make you cringe at moments [hence its NC16 rating] but the political commentary and brilliant acting make it well-worth the time and money. it was an exciting and riveting blend of a didactic story line with an intricately-woven plot. simply sensational.

right. exhaustion is sapping my strength and there's still QT to be done. just ending notes to declare that 1) Oblivion: The Elder Scrolls IV is out, 2) i'm eyeing the Samsung E760 and 3) i have a Munchkn + other cool board games fetish. as is obvious, everything is rather expensive, so i'm looking for willing donors :) hahaha just kidding..i shall bide my time and leech from my parents [and savings. sigh.]

song

the song on which the theme of my blogskin was based upon. it sings in my heart now.

I Want to Know You [In the Secret]
- Sonicflood

in the secret, in the quiet place
in the stillness you are there
in the secret, in the quiet hour
i wait only for you
'cause i want to know you more

i want to know you
i want to hear your voice
i want to know you more
i want to touch you
i want to see your face
i want to know you more

i am reaching for the highest goal
that i might receive the prize
pressing onward, pushing every hindrance aside
out of my way
'cause i want to know you more

for lack of a better title

issues issues issues. everywhere, all the time. sometimes i wonder why the human brain doesn't just implode into some icky mess thinking about the many problems in life. ignorance is bliss.

if you think this post is going to be sad, moody and depressive, it isn't :)

over the course of the last few weeks, i've been slowly discovering the little things that make precious life worth living again. not just letting each day bumble on meaninglessly, but actually enjoying each day as it comes and relishing the gift of life.

inevitably, everything will come back to God. i was thinking on the bus ride home yesterday "yeah, God has given me so much. i don't feel like i deserve all this. heck, i don't deserve anything!" for once, i don't think it a cardinal sin to say that i'm right. it's true. that's why i believe in grace, in mercy and in giving, because everything i have now is a gift or a responsibility, and it's my place to treasure what i have.

i treasure those times i have in church, worshipping God. no, not just in church. alone in my room, or upstairs with the worship group or anywhere at all. the privilege of coming to God with all my terrible sins and still being called 'a child of God' isn't something i should take for granted. i know i'm passionate and i will continue to lavish praise unto the Lord :)

i treasure the family that i have. having had the holiday to play with them, i realised that i'm so fortunate to have loving parents and such fantastic siblings. when i hear of family arguments and quarrels, it tears my heart apart, because i don't know what i'd do in those circumstances. no family can ever be perfect, but at least we can love each other.

i treasure my girlfriend. yes, it will appear typical and cheesy. incessant phone-calls, smses, dates, flowers, etc... but i also know that God explicitly said 'yes', and if not for that, i wouldn't be enjoying all this now. it's helped to put the final nail in the coffin for the issue of evelyn, reawakened a true desire to honour God and, not to mention, given me a companion i can trust and love. imperfect, true, but God-willing. every moment.

i treasure my school friends. certainly, things happen. arguments. tension. misunderstandings. but i'm thankful that i've been put in VJC. it's given my schooling life a whole new dimension that never existed before. from the wide network of friends to the closest inner circle to my heart, i truly feel like part of a vibrant community that's helped me to look forward to every school day so much more than ever before. a daily item of thanksgiving, for sure.

i treasure my friends outside of school, because those who are still in contact with me are those whom i love most dearly. kimkangsmife goes without saying. to've maintained such bonds of friendship over such a long period of time and potentially divisive issues is really amazing. likewise, my church friends, some of whom i've known since i can remember and others newly-found, i look forward to sundays, because i get to fellowship with you and share a friendship that is truly unique to the Christian community.

and these are just the people whom i treasure. there's so much else.

i'm beginning to remember that my ability to play music isn't something i should take for granted. the emotional relief it brings me has comforted me countless times. that i told God "Lord, let me use the guitar to worship You" is no coincidence, considering how i'm not fantastic at secular songs but i revel in worship songs.

similarly, my enjoyment in the simple pleasures in life. after a taxing game of football in the sweltering heat and in my collared shirt and long pants, i thank God that i can enjoy these days of youth. that i can even play and enjoy football is God-given in itself. it wears me out, yeah, but i just have so much fun.

and my obsession with finding munchkin has revealed to me my innate determination which surprises me, yet doesn't, at the same time. i thank the Lord that i'm me, that's He's made me me, with my various strengths and weaknesses. the way i'm crafted is with love and, though imperfect, certainly just right for His purposes at this point in time. that never ceases to amaze me.

the warmth that He brings to my heart from every source just reminds me that life is worth the while after all.

resolutions

1) i will give up alcohol until i'm actually legal because i almost got busted today.

2) i will find munchkin.

3) i will be a better team player because i've gotten horribly selfish.

4) i will master thai.

5) i will stick to my resolutions.

the true believers

hooray for my new group :)

yes, it did feel mutually awkward at points. it would, since it was more of a decision of "imposition rather than invitation" [so here's an Cold War history cameo for you :P]. but then again, everyone was really good abt it and i felt extremely welcome. just wish bob could've been there too.

a little pep talk after dinner before games. much needed methinks. i enjoyed my time with PYMM C but i'll admit that i really screwed up at certain times. not going to repeat those errors again. at least now i know how the group works and a very direct warning abt my own personality. all i need to do now is learn the song :D

then, MUNCHKINS!!!! my now-favouritest and funnest game :) :) :) with Potted Plants and PollyMorph Potions and my favourite Friendship Potion [whee!]. despite various attempts by makoto and vernie to sabo me with curses and MAKOTO TRYING TO CHEAT [legally, actually. haha.], ming and i actually won! haha. ok. by some strange default. but it didn't matter who won. i really enjoyed myself and everyone else did too. we must go back there again!!! our little tryst with taboo was rather fulfilling too.

so anyway, after 2 hrs of fun, food and games, we pretty much split and left. i really can't put it into words. i still feel a bit awkward but i have a fantastic feeling abt things. not just good. really fantastic. i feel cautious but expectant all at once.

MUNCHKINS!!!

from the unexpected places

take my world apart
i am on my knees
take my world apart
broken on my knees

i wrote an earlier post but it disappeared magically because of the loopholes in technology. no matter :)

becoz i've learnt that God sometimes has mysterious plans that can only come to fulfilment once the selfish ways of man are put to one side so that His plan can follow through. selfish ways, of course, including my own blindness and stupidity. in fact, sometimes, those plans have the exact same result as what man intends, it's just that God wants man to give Him the reins. but enough for now.. i'm not going to cry over a silly blog entry.

i went on an outing i was entirely intent on sidestepping because it would be immensely awkward. i watched a show i didn't intend to watch in the first place. i started single and morose and ended up attached and blissful. some lousy hollywood romance? possibly. the strange manner that kai and i got together? certainly.

there i was, having spent the whole week wrestling with my emotions and thoughts. i finally decided that, despite me thinking through this carefully, it'd be best to let God take charge. so i backed off. God smiled and nudged me back to the same goal, but along His route, not mine.

which turned out to be the major spiritual lesson for me over the course of the last month or so. with groups, after all the stress and bother, i finally decided that it wasn't for me to decide which groups i could join but for God and i tell Him so. and let kar mun + TSD gang work things out. which they do. and i'm really happy with the decision.

thank you groopeas :) i'll do all i can.

then there's the issue of me feeling rather reclusive. no-one likes to feel socially excluded, and even when it's not true, i guess i still have this stupid fear and paranoia for some reason unbeknownst to me. so there i am feeling an unfounded isolation and saif comes along with a few lines about dearest sharlene.

thank you shar. very very much. you've helped me to realise that i have so many friends, it's just that i overlook them in my blindness.

and from all the unexpected places comes the most eye-opening lessons and the widest smiles in my heart.

thank you God.

rebound

i need Thee every hour, most gracious God
no tender voice like Thine can peace afford
i need Thee every hour, stay Thou nearby
temptations lose their power when Thou art nigh

hahaha... always a hymn-singing Methodist at heart :)

---

i feel a lot better. all i really needed was some time alone, Jars of Clay and my Bible. which i haven't had all together at once for a long time. i guess i struggled for so long because i wanted things to be under control. i finally realised that they are, just not mine.

i started playing morrowind again!!! haha... unlike other RPGs, there's no linearity, no constraints, so i go around audaciously stealing items right in the open, killing quest characters, getting myself killed jumping into lava and such, basically reconfirming that mike is most retarded. when oblivion [i.e. the fourth instalment in the series] comes out, i'm going to be supremely anti-social and play for hours on end. whee!

ok mike quit being dumb. just using this hols to take a mega-break from stress. i must apologise to kai for screwing up our day together yesterday by being overly affected by so many things. to avoid a repeat of like circumstances, i shall remember the following:

1) i'll let groups settle themselves. whatever happens, happens.
2) sleep MORE and drink LESS [if at all] before an impt day and don't stay up watching football, as impt as that is too
3) things screw up because they're given a chance to. as far as possible, nip the problem in the bud.
4) appreciate the ones who stay by you in your worst moments

and thus ends mike's plan of action.

actually, not quite. the basic foundation beneath all this is still that i should 1) love, 2) trust and 3) enjoy God. only then will i achieve all of the above. in faith :)

oops. i just washed the bottle of bacardi breezer which was being attacked by ants. i think they got drunk for a bit there. i should remember to clear things from my room a tad more often and not let it transform magically into a pig sty, thereby incurring the wrath of mother and girlfriend. both at once would be disastrous.

okies, tis late. i wanna have lunch but i haven't quite decided where yet. i'll take a stroll around. my sis is coming back today, my mum and bro will be back on thu and my dad next week, bringing a close to mike's days of monastic [lol] isolation at home.

all manner of sins

i shouldn't have drunk but i was inspired by jack sparrow, having just watched pirates of the caribbean rather belatedly [i.e. only just]. i'm feeling rather all over the place now. there's physical workshop tmr but i can't find it anywhere in me to want to go. i know i should.

in desperate need of redirection. life, with all its little twists and bends, trips me up once again.

to hope, then, and to love.

consider this

ok, i'm not particularly morose or melancholic. i haven't been since getting with girlfriend, thankfully, but this is perhaps the lowest ebb since then. a lot of things running through my head.

well, to begin with, there's TSD, as always. i wouldn't say i'm 'losing confidence in TSD'. i firmly believe in what the programme aspires to achieve and without TSD, i wouldn't be in VJC, i wouldn't have recovered from evelyn, wouldn't have made such strong bonds of friendship, etc... i love the course. the problem is that i'm not fantastic at it. after watching yesterday's pieces [esp rowell's. golly.], i felt more than a little untalented. yes, yes, i know i have my gifts, such as history and lit [haha] but as i watched talia, tash, rowell, saif, darrel, maya...the whole lot essentially, i couldn't help but wish i had the vision and talent and drive. i've always admired people with such creative capacity but i can never be them. i guess i should be a bit more confident lah.

and dearest Groopeas, don't worry abt me!!! haha. thank you for taking such pains to explain the situation to me but, honestly, it was unnecessary. as personal friends, you rank among my closest. i would never upset your theatre. really. all i needed to know was 'no' and 'professional reasons', and that would've been enough :) i shall find my way around.

i guess i just feel socially withdrawn this year. not anti lah. just the opposite of vernie. last year, she hung around with kai and i a lot and this year, she's expanding her social circles. i built a lot of bridges last year but this year, i seem to keep to myself much more, at least within TSD circles.

it's not like i don't have friends. i do. kai and vernie, for sure, and also yish and saiful [love you guys!!!]. but vernie's busy, yish has turned into a mugger-toad [haha] and kai's now my girlfriend. i still feel comfortable around alvin, yvette and quite a few non-TSDians, but that's outside TSD and a non-issue. some pple will say that 'oh, it's because you have a girlfirend' but it really isn't. i can't quite place it. maybe it's because i miss corrie. and also the whole trauma of the group prelims affecting me inperceptibly. i dunno. as vernie and kai would already know, my social confidence in TSD circles is at an all time low.

not a reflection of the course though :) i still have great friendships with juniors and i would never relinquish TSD [not that i can]. i'm just at a loss trying to explain why all this has happened.

on further reflection, i think it's a negative shift in my entire life for the last few months and this is just a spin-off. the explosion of my temper twice in two weeks still scares me when i think back. the extremely unhealthy anger/frustration with _____ drags me down a lot. everything's going well at home at least, but because of my course, i haven't had the time to interact with my church friends as much as i'd like, although i'm still very comfy around them. i suppose it's all for a purpose which i can't quite see right now.

it's probably hubris. after rising out of the ashes of my last broken r'ship, i forgot where all my blessings came from and began to think that i could do things alone. such good results in my promos and seeing my life go back on track, it's so easy to revel in inward pride. i've touched the bottom of this latest threshold that God has set for me. now, it's pretty much to bounce back in the manner which has defined my Christian walk so far - up, down, then soaring higher than before again.

find me again

whisper my name in the quiet place, in my darkness reveal Your face. how do i come to You in contrite surrender and reverent awe? as shadows fall across my path, fulfill Your promise and light my path. i want to open up my heart and let the Healer set me free.

somehow, i know you're not quite where you used to be. you're there, no doubt, that i know, but i've lost that drive and passion that used to propel me in the past. it faded months ago, glimmered fleetingly over the last month, hinting revival, only to be disappointed by a return of my spiritual malaise.

laziness cripples my walk, i'm sure. where i would wake up each morning and thank you for giving my breath and life for a whole new day, i now roll out of bed and grumble, forgetting that your mercies are new every morning. i can't discipline myself to journal consistently and so i flip through, pretending that i'm actually engaging but really not. uncharacteristically, i seek the end and not the means. i pray all the time, but only because it's convenient.

i have stopped challenging myself. i don't make it a point to 7/7, or to memorise verses, or to do anything. even my thai has come to a standstill of late. sure, i'm busy and stressed, but wasn't i the same in J1? that never hindered me from touching your immesuarable glory. now, i flint like a pale shadow of my old new self, dawdling on the race-track and not running.

it used to be just you and me. everyday. i remember it so clearly. how i longed to be in your embrace and never want to leave, even when the bell rang. i miss those times.

now, there are countless distractions, innumerable expectations. despite my pretence, i know i haven't drawn out of the rat-race as much as i'd like to. i know i'm running the wrong race. i've lost my focus and not made you my first priority.

oh, that you would find me again and fill me up again! i thirst, hunger, ache for you! God knows how much i miss you - because you are God. draw me back to you, dear Lord.

a sense of completion

glad tidings of comfort and joy! my prelims are over :)

ok, TSD prelims only lah. but still... v impt can? hahaha... i'm quite happy it's over, having stressed about for the longest time, but now that it's over and my journal is done, i really feel like bludgeoning my way on. for the sake of sanity and better sense i shall refrain from doing so.

anyway, methinks i panicked too much. bleagh. maybe my piece wasn't that bad after all. it was different from what other people presented because i really, really wanted something simple and true to my heart. so screw the grade lah [oh, i actually said 'screwed up' and a lot of other colloquialisms in my interview :X]. i'm content with my piece and v happy with my lovely crew [liting and vernie darling included] :)

i actually watched quite a few performances today and belatedly realised what a talented bunch i'm privileged to be among. i'm sure everyone would agree that talia's was a grand finale, but in all, every piece was good. yay. i love TSD.

*yawn* quite tired. sitting in front of the computer, twirling around in my chair like the retard that i am, sipping an exquisite mug of apple juice with aloe vera. i feel refined. like petrol. ok i'm not making sense any more. i think after long, tiring exam day and outing with girlfriend, mike is in state of happy delirium.

before ending, i will declare my immense love for liting and vernie who crewed for me and saved my piece. girlfriend, for DUH reasons. yish and makoto for the continual show of support. DiDi, for making me feel a lot better by actually forcing me to let her in. alvin for being my lovely friend and letting vernie off for my slot. and much love to all for being of any kind of support, esp those who actually wanted to watch my piece.

yes, i smoke. a lot. with aplomb. i'm probably a chain smoker by now. dearie dearie me.

to sleep, to wake, to the final exam day tmr. *boing*

calm before the storm

actually, a lot of calm and no real storm :) i'm actually not too anxious about tomorrow. yeah i did catch a handful of performances and sneaked a peek at a couple of runs, which should pressurise me but it isn't quite, really. i know my visuals are utter crass and the piece is still a bit raw but i love it and i'm gonna give it my best shot.

to be sure, i've made sure i've got most of my stuff and i should be headed off to sleep very soon. before i do, a big congratulations to the people who finished their exams today!!! :) of course a big SHOUT OUT and apology to kai, whose performance i missed because Cook was rambling on about Games Theory. well done to yish and ming too, whose pieces i managed to catch.

actually, S papers are quite fun. people think i'm crazy by taking 2 S papers. load of bull. that's because other pple take them for the sake of scholarships/looking good/etc... i take them because i love them!!! :) look, i'm made in a way such that if i hated them, i'd drop them. period. Sayers' lessons are amazing, which goes without saying, even though i pretty much felt like a lamb to the slaughter with my presentation today. Cook is unbelievable too. he's damn funny, damn interesting and really damn good!

other highlights of my day include the fact that my band made it to the semis of musicfest! oh joy. i'm quite glad, really, to have even made it here. i also had a komala's outing... haha.. it really isn't bad at all! :)

ok tired tired tired. my journal beckons but can wait for now. to prelims and beyond!

by the way

things i would like to tell the world, btw:

1) in case anyone's been wondering, kai and i have been together for more than a month now. congratulate us on our amazing ability to maintain [some] secrecy and having a rock-solid friendship to cover it all up anyway :)

2) no, no and a thousand times NO. vernie is NOT a lamp-post or a gooseberry or anything like that. i love her. kai loves her. she loves us both. we want to go out with her!!! has everyone suddenly forgotten that we were always a TRIumvirate? fools :P

3) i like to shop for, buy and wear branded ankle socks. which is comforting, unique and utterly senseless all at once.

4) i've never worn a pair of jeans in my life.

5) i miss lit terribly

6) in a utopian existence, i would be A: a professional jazz drummer, B: a professional jazz electric guitarist, C: some highly-respected political scientist or economist. unfortunately, i lack the ambition, drive and calibre to achieve any of the above :(

7) kang and i built our relationship in the weirdest possible way: by going after the same girl. [?!] and, btw, we've never argued in our 7 years :P

8) meanwhile, smife and i have been close friends for 13 years :)

yes, just a collection of facts from mike's topsy-turvy life. i shall presently hit the sack.

ow.

with every breath

when the night seems so long
throw your hands to the sky
you can sing a new song
wipe the tears from your eyes
when you're weak He is strong
He can heal your wounded soul
and calm the storm inside

Ah. A much needed break. despite my early morning misgivings today, God really made a way where there seemed to be no way. first, there was the news that the studios had been locked down due to the attitude of our batch, etc... although it was damning news, it somehow comforted me. don't ask me why. i just felt immensely relieved once i got the msg for some reason unbeknowest to me. perhaps it was the concern of my juniors (thanks Tan Ying!!!) that moved me. maybe the news gave me a hint that things would be strangely wonky today. regardless, it started off the day well.

then again, i was up since 4am or so blogging then working anyway. i managed to get quite some work done before leaving for school. my cue sheet for the juniors was thrashed out, i finalised some points about my piece mentally and hyped myself for slot later, wherever it may be and whatever it might turn out to be. i also whacked Hist S like free :) i know i have a lot of work and stuff, but i feel comforted by the familiar challenge of history. i really don't mind doing the hard research and work. at least it's something i like very much and i'm actually good at [unlike TSD, for instance, which i enjoy very much but also suck terribly at].

so, off to school at 10am! with much less trepidation than i thought :) kai wasn't there yet, strangely enough, and i was tired, so i kinda wnadered around, distributing my script and briefing my lovely juniors about the coming slot. when kai finally came, we fenced for a bit and slacked off for a lot more before Saiful came, so i buggered off and managed to have a mini-slot with 3 juniors in a classroom. twas gd :) they got their cues well and i felt very much more at ease.

lunch with kai. broke the news to randall who, unsurprisingly, was unsurprised. chat for a bit. met sean to discuss History S project and stuff. zipped off for my slot proper.

and it was a great slot! ok, so i was stuck in a classroom and not everything was perfect, but it was good enough. the first moment was relatively perfected and the piece in general sounded alright. maybe C or D, which i wouldn't be too disappointed with. A/B can come later. i swear i am going to treat my juniors big time. we talked crap for 10min for what was supposed to be a focused 45min slot and still managed to finish 10min before time. i think i underestimate them. hm. they'd better not be reading this or their egos are going balloon :P

then YAY. my favourite triumvirate trooped off to Starbucks at PS to have coffee and chit-chat for the first time since vernie was rendered useless by illness [instead of simply being useless ;)]. oh gosh. i haven't had so much fun for ages. we talked crap, laughed till we cried and hung up the phone on an interviewer for a Chinese newspaper [ok. i did. but come on! me? chinese?!]. that was possibly the most enjoyable time i've ever spent with the both of them. and vernie didn't get lost too and [wait for it] gave DIRECTIONS TO SOMEONE!!! -wow- hahaha.. *dodges smack* i love you dear. missed you very much.

i got back home, grabbed my dinner plate, scooped everything that i wanted and chionged upstairs to eat in front of the comp and work, much to the bemusement of my sister and my mum. well, i needed to work!!! anyway, i got a lot of stuff done today. main elements of my journal are there already, including the daunting tabulated cue sheet :) i feel very much accomplished in TSD for once. yay.

so here i am, having some crucial time off to chill and to blog. i fiddled with my electric a bit, having gotten it back and bought a new cable to use. there's still the whole Hist S presentation to do, but i'll leave that for tmr. perhaps it's time to just stop and thank God for a day that turned out so much better than i expected it would. truly, truly, 'through Him who gives me strength'! haha.. i don't know where all this energy came from, but it's certainly not of my doing.

so here it is. thank you God for every breath that you give me. every life breath is a reminder that you love me and care for me, because you're always remebering to give me strength for the next breath. thank you for my family, whom you've placed in my life to build me up and sustain me with love that comes from you. thank you for my friends in every area of life and of various closeness; kimkangsmife outside of school, kai and vernie inside of school, not forgetting alvin, yvette, saiful and yish. thank you for showing me love that i don't quite deserve.

because of you, i have hope. i have faith. i have love. i have life.
thank you

under duress

hello. mike is bloody stressed.

yeah. it's almost 4am and i'm awake. ok so i slept at 9pm last night but i had a horribly turbulent evening. thank God that my illness hasn't exploded into a full-blown episode of rasping and nose-sniffling. it would totally take me down right now. at least i'm still functioning, albeit tired and struggling with some minor symptoms. it's a lesser evil, for certain.

khorpkhun phra-jao

it's my IS. i'm technically not 'scrapping' my old idea, just having to rework it massively. i'm chronically short of slots because, having changed venue, all the time has already been taken up. i'm scrimping here and there for time, and of course having to work with the typical problems of clashing slots and over-worked juniors. i hate having to push my juniors but i don't have a choice. i'm just...i dunno. desperately lost for words now. i feel extremely weak and incapable, and i really, really need to be God-reliant throughout this period or i'm screwed.

mee phra-ong

then there's History S presentation. i didn't push on with it as much as i would've liked while Sean and Vernie were taken out by illness. i tried getting what i can but i feel like i wasted my precious time earlier and now i'm having to juggle too many balls at once. i've done some work on it, yes, but not to my satisfaction and i don't think it's enough. sigh. i love love love History S but everything's kinda piling up.

gamlang yuu nay phra-ong

of course there are the various prayer commitments from people that i've promised to pray for. i feel spiritually-bound to pray for them and certainly, i desperately want to. but i'm feeling so distracted and constrained that i don't think i'm doing them justice. i would love to have a session for an hour or more where i just pray for all these concerns, but right now, i'm having to whisper quick prayers in between work and food. i don't know. it's still prayer i guess, and maybe i'm wanting to do too much.

mai phra-yesuu, mai chiiwit

i need prayer myself really. actually, no. I need God. not that He's far away or hasn't been here, but i need to keep hanging on to Him. i can feel the stress wrenching at my heart and almost making me want to cry. i'm utterly broken.

"Do not be anxious about anything but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God which transcends all understanding will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus... I can do everything through Him who gives me strength."

-Philippians 4:6-7, 13

Amen, oh Lord. Amen.

perhaps love

perhaps love is the long-awaited reunion among primary school friends. the bonds of love that better with age, as fragrant wine. yes, as wine indeed, the reunion is bittersweet, a mingling of gentle smiles and painful tears. poured out slowly and carefully, the richness envelops you, knowing that you have years of shared history to draw upon. we part not definitively, but leaving that lingering taste in your mouth, knowing that there are many days ahead and experiences to share and endings to forge. kimkangsmife, you are all much loved and much thought about.

perhaps love is a simple message from an old friend. one whom you can trust and is completely honest with you, and has been there through the highest ups and the lowest downs. the realisation that he is under-appreciated but never protests such unwitting malignment. sending an sms, 'i'm happy you're happy'. thank you makoto, because you've been a stronger friend than i've cared to tell you over the years.

'perhaps, after all, romance did not come into one's life with pomp and blare, like a gay knight riding down; Perhaps it crept into one's side like an old friend through quiet ways; Perhaps it revealed itself in seeming prose, until some sudden shaft of illumination flung athwart its pages betrayed the rhythm and the music; Perhaps...perhaps...love unfolded naturally out of a beautiful friendship, as a golden-hearted rose slipping from its green sheath.' kai, you're perhaps the most unexpected bend in the road so far. not that i regret it :)

perhaps love is not found is fading flowers and handwritten letters, but in splintered wood and twisted bramble; not so much in interlocked fingers but in pierced palms. a valentine's day card will never provide as adequate a discourse as 1 corinthians 13 always will; honey-coated sweet-talk never the substitute for a rasping, dying breath of anguish. opening one's eyes to awake in the arms of one's beloved is deep romance enough, but greater still is the unfathomable love that rolls the stone away from the tomb. thank you Jesus, for being my first love always and showing me what it means to love.

---

because it's only because i had this love first that i can now love others.

perhaps, after all these years, i understand why love truly is the greatest of them all.

the big thank you post

singapore river. jazz bar. girlfriend.

perfect.

yes, my jazz @ SB date went well :) perhaps for a guy who's been through the relationship rollercoaster, i should be accustomed to the whole notion of going out on a date. goodness, it felt like nothing ever before!!! haha... vernie had to rescue me. but by God's grace, things pretty much turned out well. while i know that 'every relationship is bound to feel different', i also know that this time it's not jus tthe r'ship that's different but that i've changed. the past year of learning, consolidating and making mistakes has made such a difference.

anyway, i thoroughly enjoyed myself. the music. the ambience. the company. oh mike, you sound like some lovesick fool. which is probably quite true. hm. i should stop gushing now. i would elaborate on my interesting cocktail [made with Manuka Honey vodka?! cool stuff!] and the Tequila Sunrise but i think that rambling on about alcohol wouldn't be too healthy.

that was yesterday. yeah, i really spent the whole day fretting about the coming evening so i got nothing done. which didn't bode well for today's slot which, to be honest, would have been a struggle anyway. i didn't fully prepare myself for it and it showed. i was quite easily stressed, even by my standards. and the juniors were understandably distracted since posting results came out today. actually, they were quite focused considering the context. i never doubt that they always give me their all. i wrestle with my own ideas and creativity. sigh.

thank goodness for Arika. she helped me to sort out a lot of major issues that i needed someone to knock me in the head in anyway. a big thank you to darrel and maya for being supremely understanding and giving me a period and a half of their night slot. i must say again that i appreciate it a lot a lot. same too for my juniors, who handled my last minute explosion of stress and change of plans. i promise i'll treat you guys in good time.

and of course, a tremendous thank you to kai [= best friend = girlfriend]. haha...for the cynic that you profess to be, it was really sweet of you to wait for me (ok, that was really asking for it). it prevented me from ballooning and imploding like some stretched stress ball. ok, even if it was to avoid going home for a bit.

oh wow. i actually just declared it publicly. ah screw it. it's not as if anyone doesn't know, you're all just too nice to say it. haha.. thanks. it would be quite awkward, really. it's just been for longer than most might think :) so thanks to corrie, vernie, liting and alvin for being our keepers! [so now you know who can lie very well :P]

alright, it's getting pretty darned late. i just came back from a rejuvenating prayer service in church. i've not been going back sufficiently for any kind of weekday ministry since i've hiatus-ed from the music team. need to find new areas or my walk will continue having stunted growth. ah well. just a little reminder to the people [inside/outside church] i promised to pray for, i will pray for you so rest assured.

golly i stink in my unshoweredness. off to the shower then!

metamorphosis

it appears that a 'hiatus' and 'long time' to mike is the equivalent of 2.5 weeks. oh well. i'm back! :) much to the amusement of kai and vernie, i'm sure, who'll be rather unsurprised by my inability to contain my exhibitionism. WELL. i slogged away for so long trying to design this page without any HTML software or Microsoft Frontpage so i'd better be putting it to good use!

hahaha... anyway, it's the 1st of March and so much has happened today. to begin with, it was the release of the A lvl results. rather expectedly, corrie re-embraced total 0wn4ge, topping the arts fac with a perfect score and ranking amongst the top in Singapore. achieving all this, of course, while having had time to counsel me and guide me through my tenuous JC1 year. i'm so happy for you dear *hug* of the many people who come into and out of my life, you're certainly the most amazing and most loved of them all :) Brown beckons!!! thank you so much for everything - the inspiration to work hard, the advice that often guided me out of tricky situations and, above all, your love.

of course, with the results of the A levels come the little distraction known as my chinese results. haha. bane of my schooling existence. and i'm proud to announce that i got a...B4! yay! ok. pathetic suspense. anyway. i know it looks horribly measely in comparison to corrie's A, A, A, A, Distinction, Distinction, A1, A1, but STILL. hahaha :p B in chinese for me is like the world gone wrong! i'm overjoyed and i can finally drop my 'mother tongue' (as if my mum can speak chinese very much) and concentrate on my other four three subjects + 2 S papers.

which, of course, have plagued me this week since i've been slogging away at the common tests. well, ok, i only had 3 papers to contend with, and my strongest 3 as well, but it was still very hard work. GP wasn't an easy paper, although not too difficult either. nevertheless, my grade is pretty much up in the air for that, unpredictable as it is. econs, my love-hate subject, turned out to be a tricky paper. having failed to ground my knowledge in income inequality, i struggled with the questions on taxes, and my inadequate preparation for case study questions made that chunk rather tough too. thankfully, the paper was generally alright. and to history! today's paper. quite easy, methinks, although by saying so, i'm setting myself up to be disappointed. oh well. i thought it was. the results ae up to God, then :)

i should be worrying about the TSD prelims, but i'm in a significantly celebratory mood now, even as everyone else is mugging lit late into the night. kinda miss the subject but i know it's for the best, so i shan't regret. not that it'll do any good anyway. lol. (though it might just indulge harris. *chuckle*)

anyway, i'm looking forward to tomorrow evening! finally get to return to my beloved Jazz at South Bridge! yayness. and in lovely company too :) no prizes for guessing, but oh well... haha. to be honest, i never expected it to happen, but it's been a refreshing relationship and a worthy renunciation of my singlehood thus far. some mistakes, maybe, but rectifiable and certainly on good course for a much-desired long-term tenure. wouldn't settle for any less in any case.

and, of course, God is never far from the scene. yes, i have wrestled with my faith of late and, even now, i'm struggling to show Christian love to... yeah, you know. but still, this problem has pushed me more God-ward than anything else, because i'm more determined not to let it get in the way. whatever s/he does, i know it'll affect me, but with faithful friends around me, i can ensure that my walk continues in the right direction :)

ooh. smife just msgs me to arrange a meeting for the 4 of us on fri evening. sounds like a lovely island creamery date to me! i miss you people very much.

so much has changed. i rmbr saying that last year would be a transitional year and it's proved surprisingly true. my r'ships have all grown - with God, family, friends in school, friends outside school. a new life and fresh beginning, as i was always clamouring for after evelyn walked away. well, now that's settled, it's time to meet more challenges and live a life that God will be proud to own.

never forgetting the chapters past, turn the page and scratch the quill to begin anew