reading kai's post has made me reflect a bit painfully and regretfully.

reading abt how her parents never give her what she wants and scold her for making requests, i feel rather bad knowing that, while i'm not necessarily a demanding child, i'm blessed to be born where i am.

for one, my parents have never made me want to feel like they don't provide for me. i look around my room, and they've soundproofed it for my drums, got me a fancy speaker set since i love music and even my happy purple office chair because the hydraulics for my other one broke. all this without me asking. i always joke about my parents being cheapskate and looking for sales, and never even going shopping in the first place, but it's an embarrassing reminder that every cent they scrimp and save for, they spend lavishly on my siblings and me.

even more embarassingly, i still catch myself making demands that are reasonable but not urgent nor necessary. i asked for a printer in my room so that i can avoid the stress of running up and down stairs frantically to print my stuff in the study [a la TSD journal]. ok, it's a reasonable demand but i don't have to have it. i'm making my parents spend more on me for a minor convenience. just like many things else really. computer graphics card. new clothes. bleagh. i feel like an awful child just thinking through everything.

the worst part is that i have very sharp definitions of what i want and how i want them to be. i love my room to be organised the way i organised it and everything to be in an order that is very specific to me. that's normal i guess, everyone wants to know where their stuff is, esp before an exam. but that always gets me into a very nasty quarrel with my mum , who loves to reorganise, rearrange and basically mess up everything that i've so painstakingly put together. and she's destroyed a lot of my other treasures too, like my wooden models that broke because she insisted on packing them her way or putting my soft toys in the washing machine.

it's strange how it still hurts, but stranger still how i feel horribly guilty abt wanting to insist on what i've been sometimes told is a basic right. how do i ask more from a parent who's spent so much on me and made sure everything in my life is provided for? they don't place confidence in their material gifts to me, that's for sure, but it has the natural reaction of making me feel bad abt asking for the intangible things that i really, really want.

argh. silly things will be sorted out in time. God knows where every child is born and puts him/her there exactly.