reading Romans 7 and 8 for a long-belated QT. "Struggling with Sin". haha. God likes to choose the pages i read when i come shame-faced back to my Bible after so long. perhaps it's about time that God decided to stick and twist. when i read Paul's writings, i feel as if it's my own voice dictating the words i'm reading; how he feels like someone of a double-life, one seeking God and the other trapped painfully in sin. how many times have i come to God, crying inside and asking for His forgiveness, only to lapse back again?

to top it off, i've messed up people's lives. i only need close my eyes and i shudder. "better to have a millstone hung around his neck"... i deserve worse than that i think. i wish my sin was limited to only affecting me, but no, i cause others to sin as well. even now, how many years on, i feel stunted in my Christian walk because i wonder if i've been forgiven by those that God loves, whom i've led astray. the day i can reconcile myself to the fact that i'm forgiven, i know i can walk free spiritually again; but now, it's still a battle with the guilt, heightened by my own failings.

stumbling upon some of wanlin's online accts made me reflect even more. i wonder abt evelyn. i rmbr countless incidents where i let my selfishness override godly love, my petulance masking God's patience, pursuing my desires while deaf to God's. for how long did God watch and cry? evelyn's fleeting appearances in church...i feel in some part responsible. or is it some cunning lie to sting my spirit? at least i know wanlin is walking close to the Lord, as kim tells me. it's heartening and guilt-cleansing.

and for my multiple blemishes on my relationships record that are enough to force me into eternal hiding doubly over, God is startlingly merciful and trusts me now with kai. at times, it's tempting to take it for granted, but God has sent her in spite of myself rather than because of me. that she now acknowledges Jesus as her personal Saviour is a greater testament of God's faithfulness and grand design, not my depth of my faith and devotion. even as she draws closer to God with every passing day, i seem to plod with halting steps in my own walk.

the memories of relationships past seem to hit fresh tonight. i sit here and rmbr the last 6 months with kai. i know what we have is so deep and filled with so much love because it is God who blesses us and nourishes us spiritually, and His love is supreme, not either of us. then i look again at those memories and shudder with the fear that my selfishness will deface the beauty of this relationship that i'm revelling in so immensely, indulgently almost.

a call to faith perhaps, that God will smash my weaknesses in His indescribable greatness [You are amazing, God]. God of wonders. trust and obey. it's these times when all these familiar songs reverberate happily in my confused mind, illiciting a smile. i love you, God, and i don't want to let you go again.

tell me how do you say 'i love you'
could you show me the way that you came
if he knocked on your door, would it open
can you hear what God wants to say

he loves you always
even if you don't love him today