i couldn't sleep last night for reasons unknown to me, so i decided to skip the SAFOS High Tea and spend some time - more productively, i daresay - with my church friends. a nice horfun lunch and starbucks coffee, sandwiching a little expedition to settlers cafe to check it out. but now i've got a lot of things plaguing my confused mind.

bryan suddenly broke upon how val actually used to like me. i swear i almost choked on my winter melon tea. i haven't seen her for almost 2 years and everything's actually such a distant memory. apparently she was very coy abt it and simply let it run until i got together with evelyn. was shocking, but i think it was just a prelude for things to come.

a little thank you to valentia for sharing with me; i know you read my blog from time to time so yah, thank you *hug* perhaps unintentionally, as the conversation steered towards your sister, it opened up a huge can of unanswered questions and confusion that i'd stashed away because i didn't want to let them plague me. but i have to and want to confront them one day. like valentia said: "when someone breaks up with you without telling you why, it either leaves a big question mark or a lot of exclamation marks" haha... on hindsight, i think both reactions are likely, but the exclamation marks have twisted and turned into question marks now; a lot a lot of them.

ok isaac just shed a bit more light on the issue. thanks. i'm seriously very confused now. it's like a giant jigsaw puzzle i want to piece together because it will explain the failure of my 1.5 yr relationship; the problem is that i don't have the big picture at all, nor do i know if i have all the pieces since evelyn holds some of them still. bit by bit, the two bryans, valentia, isaac, little inputs from smife... perhaps one day i'll solve the mystery of one of the biggest heartaches of my life.

the truth is that i miss her. no, not as a girlfriend, because that was such a long time ago, and the r'ship was inherently flawed in many ways. but as a friend. and as someone i could talk to so easily abt anything. most important maybe is how i miss her as a memory, because those 1.5 years feel so non-existent. it's the historian in me kicking in again i'm sure, i just want to know everything so i can conclusively settle the matter. i've buried most of the ghosts of my time with her, but a lingering spectre still seems to haunt periodically.

in God's good time.