tomorrow it ends.

the last of my group slots. the last of my IS slots. the last of coming back to school and blacks and sauntering around as if we own the place.

i said i wouldn't miss it. i'm rethinking that. no, not the theatre. i'm not cut out for any professional theatre stuff. but i'll miss singing my lungs out as i skip down to 24 from the AVA and noone staring at me awkwardly. i'll miss sitting at the grand piano watching kai and saif attract the attention of everyone passing by with their fencing. i'll miss those leisurely walks down to 7-11 as an excuse to buy stuff for people to make them smile.

after tomorrow those days will be gone forever. for some, tuesday, but not much of a difference. no other experience in my life can compare. certainly not from VS, no. select nights from church youth camps, maybe. but never a year-half odyssey as this. i'm sure the euphoria of the exams when they're finally over will sweep me over, but i'll look back upon my JC life with great fondness, even if only for these moments.

for helping me get over evelyn. for leading me to vernie and kai, and then to kai as my girlfriend. for the unforgettable groopea moments. for corrie. and for liting. for lofty, mrs low, mr young and albert. for all that TSD has taught me.

it's unlike me to feel excessively nostalgic; this time i feel genuinely so. it's been a rough and bumpy journey no less, but such times often chronicle true love. regarding TSD, it would be deceit to remember it as anything but.

well well, we've arrived at the final lap. or, as lofty puts it, "the last 10 metres from the finish line".

it's been an odd little race. the fastest starters have been knocked about quite badly since, there are some surprise leaders towards the end and some have stayed permanently beyond the horizon. most importantly, the race is not and has never ever been about finishing first. it's about everyone finishing the race together.

that's meant staying back to watch someone's IS, lending precious props where the need arises and compromising on slots that were seemingly set in stone. perhaps some moments of tension every now and then, and the occasional spark. but nothing has threatened to derail the train, not even the most tumultous events of the last few weeks.

groopeas have had our share of chaos. scrapping our piece. moving space. slotting and writing scripts beyond the fatigue threshold. various run-ins with various people. and we're still some distance from the finished product, i'm sure. but dearest makoto, vernie, yish, mik, ming and bob, it's been a funny old month with you funny old people but we're gonna craft a bloody good piece of theatre and blow mr pymm's black-and-turquiose socks off on June 1st.

my IS is chugging along slowly as well. to be honest, i'm not awfully confident about the whole darned thing but i'm gonna wrap up and leave the rest to God. it's been total madness, scrapping my piece 4 times, struggling to source out the best sounds and trying to assemble the enormous jigsaw of effects into cohesive soundscape. sometimes, i feel as lost as the eyes of my crew staring back at me. but whatever it is, the week has gotten better and so has my piece. in faith to June 8th then, and perhaps some theatre magic will reveal itself in Night Studio.

everyone's sniffling sick and buckling over with fatigue, living on daily doses on honey lemon. browse through blog entries of TSDians, both cast and crew, and the madness reveals itself. when i walk into the TSD spaces, i swear i can feel the exhaustion hanging in the air like a vicious noose, threatening to strangle life out of our wheezing, sleepy-eyed frames.

stronger yet is the hope, perseverance and camaraderie that promises to slash that noose loose.

i can feel the awful rush of blood to the head. my arms are freezing out and my head hurts.

it's all down to clashing slots, pieces wallowing in creative quagmires and trying to live at the same time. then coercing the cheeks into a fragile smile.

stress

"This is a very harmonious batch; no arguing or whatever nonsense it is yet. The wheels haven't come off, and that's good." - Lofty

it appears that almost all the other Groopeas have blogged about our miraculous group rebound so i shall be a groupie [haha. note my clever makoto-like pun] and go along.

we came, we saw, we scrapped, we tried again, we changed space [twice] and somehow, theatre presented itself in the darkest circumstances. the original piece from prelims was zapped into oblivion and we came up with a new piece + complete script in 3 days, relocated twice in 24 hours and ready for the day of reckoning in 6 days time. much thaks to groopeas for making me feel as if i was always one of them from the start. it's that love during slots that gives me new verve, drives me even when i'm grumpily weary and makes me passionate for theatre despite the setbacks in my IS.

speaking of which, my IS has finally revealed first signs of its tentative blossom. my 5 period slot today looked destined to end barely fruitful, as if trying to batter down a stone wall with a wooden hammer, praying hard that some miracle would happen. well, today it seemingly did. after albert made me redo my opening sequence [which i was very proud of and surprised that he asked me to rework it], i decided to revamp my entire soundscape while keeping to the framework. it sounds a lot richer now. far from perfect but with refinement, a piece i can finally say that i am proud of. as lofty would say, it's still early days, and i have a good feeling about this.

my experience in TSD has taught me that good theatre is like giving birth. you carry what appears to be a dependant entity everywhere you go, and it never ceases to make its presence felt. as the day draws closer, the burden seems to grow heavier, more demanding, and its effect on the body is grotesque. the wearying strains show and legs creak with the weight of it all. then, at the excruciating point of labour comes life, in all its full-blown glory. the baby that emerges is nothing like the sperm and egg that first formed it. such is the nature of theatre.

how strange that a guy should use an analogy of pregnancy to illustrate theatre. lol. well, to June 1st and 8th. *prays hard*

"...the Christian life rises and falls at the point of the devotional." - Selwyn Hughes

how apt. and how fully explanatory of my malaise.

thank you for the strength to survive today; a maddening, frustrating, inspiring, perplexing day. through every moment of tension, every seeming breaking point and every storm cloud in the sky, you were always there to hold my hand.

thank you for letting me cry when no-one else was watching, that nobody would ask me awkward questions or fuss unduly over me. it was lovely to see you face to face again.

thank you for making those around me patient, for surrounding me with love. from kai. from the groopeas. from the TSDians. from you. everytime my voice was wracked with angst, you padded the ears of those listening and softened their hearts not to respond to me in similar fashion.

thank you for my mum who scolds but understands; a family willing to allow my constant absences from the dinner table, to tide me over the tension, to give me a house to call home.

thank you for forgiving me even when i screwed up so badly.

thank you. you made my day today.

i've spent the last 24hrs deliberating over everything i have reached certain conclusions.

i'm not going to cry over long-spilt milk. i have a responsibility that comes with my decisions and that is to do my job in TSD well and with joy.

should kai become the lifelong fixture in my life that i hope she will be [no, i'm not adding pressure. i call it a shared goal :)] then whatever roughshod TSD should run over me will be worth it, an answer to a beleagured prayer.

TSD helped me to overcome those difficult months after evelyn left. nothing could replace that.

TSD brought me corrie. enough said.

there's groopeas. i don't think the fun we've had and the love we've shared will ever be replaceable. group slots are the part of TSD are fully, truly enjoy and i'll never forget that. i'll miss them terribly after June 1st.

i'll make things up to all my teachers after the exams are over. with interest.

at least i've learnt some major dislikes through taking TSD. good or bad, it's still a positive learning experience. positive because i must choose to see it that way.

ok, complaining over. time to work work work.

i should unmask my true feelings.

mask? hahaha. theatre. again. I HATE WHAT I'M DOING.

i should stop pretending. stop stop stop pretending. then again, i think that's all i do in TSD. it sucks when everyone else is saying how they love the course and love theatre and love it all. it's been fine and well to smile along and agree. right now i'm going to declare that everything i've ever said about liking theatre is really a load of tosh.

there were so many things i bloody wanted to do in JC. and i can say definitely that it was because i chose to take this course that i couldn't do them. i wanted to join council but could i? no. it was between TSD and SC so i knew subject should come first. i wanted to really hone my drumming talent in band competitions in JC but because of all the TSD commitments, i couldn't. the exit during last year's MusicFest semis still stings.

and i REGRET DROPPING LIT. i should really stop lying. i really do regret it. i hurt every single damn time i'm standing outside of mr ho's class waiting for it to finish. why? i could be in there, enjoying the discussion, sparking newfound interest in a new cause or point of deliberation. it'd force me to read more fiction, which i tend not to do but, now i realise, secretly enjoy. i pretend i like dropping lit to make myself feel better.

and now that sayers is upset about the TSD-induced absence, things have become a ton more personal. sayers is the best teacher i've ever had, no matter what anyone else may think or say. hearing how angry he was is like a stab in the heart, because i'd so much rather be in class studying history than pretending i can do theatre. i don't care what anyone else says but the mental odyessy that history, econs and lit take me through has really been more engaging than TSD.

it was between dropping lit and TSD. contrary to the crap i've been spouting, dropping econs was never an option. ever. i chose lit because TSD was had a social element. that's it.

to be honest, it's that which is the sole saving grace for TSD for me. i've obviously gotten to know and become attached to kai because of TSD. similarly, i've had some really good friendships with people like vernie, yisha, saiful and everyone else whose names i'm too lazy to type out because i'm feeling very upset now. i get to interact with the juniors, with the excellent teachers and loads of other people whom i wouldn't have ever met without TSD.

but that social bridge is double-edged. i've been kept from kimkangsmife a lot more than i'd like to be. likewise, i wish i could talk to alvin, yvette, jasmine and so many other people so much more. and all other engagements otherwise sacrificed in view of TSD.

"but theatre gives you that 'on-stage high' which you'll never get again!" nonsense. i've had it so many times before TSD and, ironically sacrificed it because of the course. whenever i drum or play music, i get that feeling. in fact, when i performed drama before joining TSD, i never had stage fright in any case. now, not only am i kept from my music, i freeze when i act. and that really sucks. in all humonogousness.

it's mostly because i feel extremely inferior and hopeless in this course. i don't expect to be an ace in everything. but i can never see things the way others see them in their heads. heck. kai shows that to me everyday, because her theatrical vision far outstrips what meagre glimpses of visual creativity i have. same with vernie and her brilliant ability to act magically. even in sound design, rowell takes the hat. completely. i feel utterly useless and out of place.

of course this rant in coming on the back of a long delayed yet impromptu meeting with smife and kim, after watching 'The Glass Menagerie" and with the immense stress of the TSD A lvls coming in less than a fortnight. nonetheless, i know that even when all this is over, i'll still have a lot of these feelings and regrets. the worst part is that i know it was all my choice.

the best part is that God still somehow manifests Himself in that choice, even in the crying and the sheer anguish.
the second-best part is that God sent you to remind me that love never fails.

there is something deep and irreplaceable about lasting friendships.

nothing that i do with my primary school friends is inherently special. we do what JC students are expected to do when they chill. we huddle around a pool table in our familiar joint at bukit timah [they always seem to give us the same one], playing, laughing at jokes old and new. perhaps we follow kang into some obscure jungle on the island as yet unknown to the world and recount the past weeks before an audience of mosquitoes. today, smife, kim and i sat at liquidkitchen, a newly-opened bar near my place.

the interior designers for the place aren't bad; the warm glow lighting and round-edged designs immediately set the mind at ease. throw in a cocktail and a mute telly playing football [classic match: Arsenal v Man Utd, '99 FA Cup], our rounded tables and cushy seats become perfect.

i've missed them. the relationship has sweetened and matured with age. i've never known and never will know another friend like smife. the friendship with share is unique, having been in the same class for almost all of primary school and grown up together. when romance falls painfully flat on its face, i've always turned to her and she to me. likewise with kim, knowing we share the same deep passion for God [and football!]. perhaps she thinks she looks young and people underestimate her age, but i say that i admire her wise insights and spiritually pragmatic approach to life.

what we talked about, laughed about, cried about, we leave for our 6 ears [+2 for kang when we talk]. the secrets we share are secret, the love we share we love.

makoto's been bugging me to read gayle's blog countless times. when i finally do, i find out that she's now in the papers! haha. i admire her immensely. not only is she very in-the-know about politics, she's also blessed with the ability to communicate her thoughts in an understandable way. it's that blend of passion and understandability that's made her blog so popular i guess. go check out the new link on my blog for proof :)

sometimes i wish i could be like her. i feel strongly about politics [both local and foreign] too, but somehow i tend to end up being very verbose and, more often than not, distracted. other than the occasional entry on the Singapore, i've been subsumed into the popular blogging culture: exhibitionist, indulgent and oftentimes incoherent. it's fun, i suppose, but after reading her blog, i feel immensely dissatisfied. maybe i'm representative of Singapore youth as a whole. sufficiently inspired by events to process them but not enough to make a clear stand on them.

it would be cliched and foolish to transform my blog into some political blog as a knee-jerk reaction. but maybe i should consider how i can more boldly express the stuff that i'm really passionate about. like my faith. or the need for social welfare. or even cynicism in Singapore. i will seriously consider, esp after TSD A levels are done and dusted.

lol. i'm very excited now.

everyone seems to have this on their blog so no point giving particular credit to anyone. but in any case, first seen on smife's blog :)

1. makoto
2. vernie
3. kai
4. mikaela
5. ming
6. yish
7. bob
8. kim
9. kang
10. smife
11. saiful
12. guang ling
13. alvin
14. yvette
15. corrie
16. cherli
17. tanying
18. charlotte
19. shar
20. dax young

How did you meet 14? yvette
when ms. edna tan [oh wow i called her by her proper name] decided to have a make-up lesson for S22 with my class. then when we stumbled upon the topic of religion after class, *poof*, a new friend! :)

What would you do if you've never met 1? makoto
hm. if that means i met him for the first time, i'd think he was crazy but brilliant. which, by the way, i still think. hahaha... but if it means how my life would be different, i think i'd have lost a friend who's shared 4 mad years in VSGEP with me is is now continuing to terrorise fascinate my otherwise mundane life with references to cricket, football jokes and obscure music.

What would you do if 20 and 9 dated? dax young & kang
*vomits blood* wth?! my CT and one of my best guy friends? ew. although that would confirm the random gay streak in both of them *shudders*

Did you ever like 19? shar
now if i answered yes, not only will my fellow birthday mate shudder at the memory of carpooling, she'll also never speak to me again. but she's a fantastic person and maybe some poor unsuspecting guy will :)

Would 6 and 17 make a good couple? yish & tanying
why the heck does my selection of people throw up the most same-sex couples??? ugh. hell no. both of them deserve a nice sensible guy, which, of course, is one heck of a rarity.

Describe 3. kai
lol. how interesting. i could go on forever and ever about how wonderful, lovely, beautiful, understanding and sweet my girlfriend is but it would mush you to death. wahaha.. :)

Do you think 8 is attractive? kim
absolutely! haha... primary school experience should validate as proof *evil laugh* ok, when she reads this she's going to clobber me

Tell me something about 7. bob
brian charles suresh aka bob-balls. official catalogue of every swear word in the universe. fellow guitar freak. fellow groopea. one helluva a guy to spice up any event. and his birthday's coming soon :)

Do you know any of 12's family? guang ling
well, if the cheapskate club count as brethren then yah! there's me and there's saiful.

What is 8's favourite? kim
well, lots of stuff. but most importanly, God. oh, and beloved manchester united :)

What would you do when 18 confesses he/she likes you? charlotte
she already does. i'm her favourite nasty senior! mwahahahaha...

What language does 15 speak? corrie
oh golly. she's so multi-talented, she probably speaks more languages than i actually know right now. definitely brilliant in english as she is in chinese. maybe a dozen other languages :P sorry dear.

Who is 9 going out with? kang
kang? hahaha no-one presently. if he ever does, 1/3 odds that its a human, 3/4 that its a spider [+10% if its a tarantula] and 2/1 if its a snake. his current girlfriend is probably his skateboard though :)

How old is 16 now? cherli
well, well, mr foo has arrived at 18.

When was the last time you talked to 13? alvin
on thursday, he wished me a happy birthday! :) unfortunately, mr president [now ex-president] has been awfully busy so we still haven't had that dinner yet. sigh.

What is 2's favourtie band/singer? vernie
jay chou? *rolls eyes* but ok lah, at ;east her music taste is generally good. generally.

Would you ever date 4? mikaela
oh yah. sure. if i turned asexual like her or smth. lol.

Would you ever date 7? bob
*gives look of absolute disbelief and refuses to comment* once again, lol.

What's 10's last name? smife
ah yes. smith. wherefrom smife originated :)

Would you ever be in a serious relationship with 11? saiful
whoa. like major brokeback mountain, man. nah, that would be depriving the female population of a high-demand bachelor. hahaha...

What school does 3 go to? kai
VJC, thankfully :)

Where does 6 live? yish
some place in bishan methinks. not been to her place before, though maybe a major groopeas chaos session would cause an occasion for that.

What is your favourtie thing about 5? ming
she's special. very special. lol.

alright. i have indulged in my 'follow the crowd' tendencies. IS calls. tata :)

it's 130 in the morning. i'm feeling grossly embittered by the manner of liverpool's victory in the FA cup final. my hair's wet because i just took a shower, therefore preventing me from sleeping. i'm panicking about the TSD A lvls 2 weeks away. hence i blog.

i just came back from another splendid date with girlfriend. somehow the wrong decisions can always correct themselves inexplicably but raher happily. today being a case in point.

i miss all my friends outside of school. not that classmates and TSDians and random victorians aren't fun. it's just that noone can replicate the history of my friendship with kimkangsmife. i hardly have time to interact with churchmates before having to disappear off for some work-related purpose or another. especially corrie i miss, for obvious reasons. i guess the biggest chunk of friendship is in the absence rather than presence. that said, i can't wait to catch up with them all once the immediate threat of TSD is over.

i stumbled across evelyn's letters the night before. it's funny how it was the spring votives that alerted me to their presence. i remembered how deeply i treasured them and how i could never bear to light them, even after we broke up. rereading every letter i received from her was a strangely cathartic yet philosophical experience. i'm always amazed at how haphazardly love blossomed between us both and how it wilted in an equally chaotic manner. perhaps i was scarcely ready for it then. so long after what's happened, i don't regret very much of what's happened, because i know everything's forgiven and forgotten. what i do regret is what's happened after i got over her. perhaps the time is ripe to speak to her again, but as a brother and not an ex. perhaps. God will lead and i will follow.

maybe i should stop musing about the character of love. it's just that it never ceases to stump me, how different people with different circumstances and different expectations can so universally agree on the same emotion. still, noone can quite express it or pinpoint it or whatever. maybe that's why love is always the X element in movies, since romance can be rehashed, revamped or reworked and still have the same effect on the audience.

in any case, i'm glad that kai's been in my life, as a great friend and as a girlfriend. i learnt a lot during our numerous coffee chats, musing about life and love, which, amusingly enough, revolved around figures other than each other at that time. haha..as i think about it, the mutant muffin cake she baked for me is symbolic, in that for all the fluffy mushy love you have on the top layer of the cake, we still have the boring old, reliable friendship that props it all up.

most importantly, i learnt that Christ has to be the centre. of everything. esp a r'ship. as i read evelyn's letters, i began to appreciate how much God has made me grow. yes, i have learnt from many of my previous failings. maybe i'm not as interesting or exciting as others might be, but i'd rather much be sturdy and dependable in a stormy world than flighty and non-committal. i'm a nice boring old fart and that suits me just fine :)

24 hours of bliss

i think birthdays are fascinating little celebrations. we cut cakes, snuff out candles and hastily unwrap meticulously ribboned presents, all in the name of commemorating that 'i was born XX years ago!', and of course, not everyone discloses what XX is, so no-one really knows what's happening anyway.

emotionless musings aside, my birthday was brilliant, and the best i've ever had - though i suppose everyone says that every year. girlfriend has gushed without end on everything that happened, but spare me a moment to recount everything again :)

kai decided that getting me one present wasn't enough, so the lovely girl went totally out of her way to get me four! and no, not any 4 presents, but every present must have symbolism, importance and worth to me. dear, i think you've been doing too much lit S :P

the chocolate cake she made resembled a mutant muffin, but it was the best cake i've ever had!!! :) ok, so it tasted like milo powder [runs from kai] but she worked so damn hard to bake it and stayed up so late just for me, i don't care how it tasted or looked like. girlfriend's labour of love is always very, very much appreciated.

her assortment of presents also included a sack of starbucks coffee beans, the cutest CD holder i've ever seen in my life and...a brand new wallet!!! it's really my kind of material and design and it's all i could ask for. other than the fact it's too huge to fit into my pocket but nvm :P anyway, with girlfriend celebrating my birthday in such resplendent fashion, i feel rather pressured when October comes :X

we spent the better part of the day walking around orchard looking for a birthday present for myself [i mean, if you don't celebrate your own birthday why should anyone else?]. it manifested itself in a quaint pair of tartan walking shoes which my mum finds amusing somehow. hm. a nice addition to my walking wardrobe though :)

shar, my fellow May 11th celebrant! despite our rather separate celebrations don't change the fact that it's been a fantastic year and a half of car-pooling [recently ceased :(], talking nonsense and having an interestingly close friendship in a strange way. *hug* :)

*HUG GROOPEAS* yeah to the wonderfullest TSD group!!! :) vernie, mik, yish, ming, bob, makoto, you make the exhausting rigours of slotting more than bearable. thanks for the huge cake [how much did you guys spend on it?!] and being the closest i've had to a family outside of home. for all the bitching, stupid jokes and silly songs, it's not just my birthday you've made memorable but the last month or so as well.

then, of course, there's the real family to thank :) my sis gave me my first present, which she wrapped in 8 layers of wrapping paper and newspaper. my dearest sister has too much time on her hand, i swear. the CD she gave me is really nice, and i also presume she bought it so that she can rip it onto her own computer once i'm done with it :P my parents bought me a shirt each, which i shall proudly wear no matter what anyone else says. hahaha, the one my dad bought me is gonna make me look like his 40-smth golfing partners! but it's very nice :)

my grandma and my aunt gave my an angpow each. my aunt spelled my name wrongly!!! after 18 years!!! haha.. but i'm very thankful that they always rmbr my birthday without fail and esp now, that my grandma's just become a christian, it's even sweeter *grin*

final BIG thank yous go out to people like corrie, kim, smife, valentia, isaac and colin who, despite not being able to be with me on my birthday, nevertheless sent msgs and well-wishes that made me smile till my cheeks hurt :) to A52 and the TSDians, despite all the teasing about kai being a hard act to follow, i love all of you very much. the sprinkling of 'happy birthday' wishes from people in school like alvin, jasmine and even the teachers was much appreciated too :)

so, as i've been reminded at least 50 times yesterday, i'm 18. i can legally drink, watch M18 movies, go for R(A)18 plays and indulge in a variety of other such 'grown-up activities'. hoho, i'm trudging my way daily to greater independence, which i've wanted for so long and suddenly, it feels like anathema to me. i realised that i relish the loving support of all those around me and i don't ever want to lose that.

anyway. i won't do the gross thing and proclaim my love for kai all over the place [but i've already done it! hah! note the cunning irony.. lol.] she knows it, everyone knows it and she made my birthday beautiful in a lot more ways than one *smile*

work and lunch beckon :)

happy birthday self!

happy birthday mike! you're 18 now! :)

18 seems to be a symbolic age of sorts somehow. i don't know why. it's supposed to bring tidings of 'adulthood' and 'maturity'. i pretty much feel the same though. i still wanna bounce around the TSD studios and feel like a kid. i plunge masochistically into makoto's low-class humour, appreciating the sheer simplicity of it all, without pretences of some intellectual wittiness. i wanna indulge in little material pleasures, like new games or new clothes, and feel my lips widen and bend into a smile with the latest toy in hand.

maybe i'm old enough. God, by some divine intercession, prepares everyone for their respective stage in life, and the infamous rollercoaster has rendered me rather immune to much of the stomach-churning events that have come and are yet to pass. gazing upon my childhood pictures, those memories seem to glisten, almost movie-like, in the mind's eye. as quickly as they come, they journey on to history's annals.

oh heck why am i being so philosophical? i'm happy. it's been a glorious 18yrs, particularly the last 4+ knowing that i belong to God :) okies. sleep beckons. whee!

bleagh. tiredness.

for the first time, NAPFA has taken the mickey out of me [making michael an -ael instead. haha.] i can't recall ever feeling so worn out after a NAPFA test before. i think i'm just super unfit, hiding in the TSD studios doing my sound piece and stuffing myself with food at other times. not to mention an over-pampering girlfriend. the 2.4 was tragically telling, because i was stitching and aching by the second round. but i'm glad for saif anf makoto; saiful for completing the whole darn thing despite his busted knee and makoto for owning all of us in 2.4.

slotting and shwoing was alright too i guess. it was fun, we did what we had to do, but we got some constructive criticism from the teachers. so where we go from here, i don't know. at least we have something, but perhaps its a rough diamond in need to careful polishing. we can do it, because we are the true believers!

thus explaning my absence from school today. getting up this morning and feeling like an arthritic grandpa. still do, actually. i can't belive i'm missing a tuesday. it's been ages since the last tuesday i've missed. it's just history and worship, two of the highlights of school for me. i suppose i'm really that busted.

love is a bewildering concoction. it is when you feel the most excited, the most dreamy, that is when love is not yet mature. only when the head-giddiness ceases and the happiness metamorphoses into warming joy that love is climbing up to its zenith. after all, lamps are carefully crafted by the light of day, but made most useful in the deepest dark night, and it only then where the labour by day flourishes into a quiet comfort by night.

all heaven

all heaven declares the glory risen Lord
who can compare with the beauty of the Lord
forever He will be the Lamb upon the throne
i gladly bow my knee and worship Him alone

i will proclaim the glory of the risen Lord
who once was slain to reconcile us to God
forever You will be the Lamb upon the throne
i gladly bow my knee and worship You alone

---

past all the rituals, the rebuking and religion
there You were, there You are, and there i long to be

elections aftermath

first up, i would like to congratulate the PAP on returning to power. for a rather dry, no-fuss party, i would like to say that the funniest thing about your results must be the 66.6% votes won.

sylvia lim, it'd be nice to see you in parliament. we could do with some female voices among the testorone-charged voices seemingly hell-bent on bringing their fellows in the opposition down. take the NCMP seat please. at least we know you don't secretly fantasise about your maid or have post-modernist photographic tendencies.

the brightest idea of the elections must go to dr chee soon juan, who got around his ban on speaking at rallies because of his bankruptcy by emailing his sister [also his party-mate] and getting the email read out at the rally. he then cleverly engineers a belated appearance at the rally and blows manly kisses at his supporters. as an internationally-acclaimed face of Singapore's democracy, we are proud as a nation of his great contribution to the people, such as his attempted hunger strike. which failed because he got too hungry.

i realised that i might get into trouble for all this but hey, i might as well do this before i turn 18.

the PAP gives 'lift-upgrading' a whole new meaning when the Senior Minister pops into Hougang and Potong Pasir to give the PAP challengers a personal lift. unfortunately, the ruling party's attempts to raise the stakes in the two SMCs failed to significantly elevate their percentage of the votes.

SM Goh also took time out to comment that mr chiam has worked very hard but is too old and has to go. somehow, he seems to have an 'arsene wenger complex' [i.e. selective blindness] because i happen to know a certain superior of his who could fit that category as well. oh well. i'm sure the senior minister knows best when it comes to 'being too old'.

the biggest issue this election was not lift-upgrading or "first world" government vs opposition. rather, the loudest hoohaa was raised about an election form that decided to go-mezzing.

one step at a time, Singapore. one step at a time.

musings

i want to learn how to dance.

after watching RJ's dance night, i feel so stiff and cannot-make-it :( the guys were extremely impressive, from the traditional stronghold of breakdance to some really slick latin moves. best of all, nothing from the concert looked as if it came out of a club.

maybe after the A lvls i'll take up latin dance classes or something. hopefully it doesn't become like my football pipedream and go down the drain. sigh.

back to work.

eulogy

RIP

TSD Journal

1 May 2006 - 4 May 2006

playing minesweeper with pau is hilarious. she keeps clicking the wrong button, especially when she's trying to flag the mine. hence blowing herself up. then quickly restarting her game before makoto returns to attempt to repossess the laptop. personally, i prefer to watch pau char siew herself.

tom cruise is so yesterday. the next big thing: Assembly and the Flight of the TSDians. 0745 - 24hrs. Priya and Yeek are busily preparing themselves for Operation Pymm. A loud voice booms in the distance. With lightning reflexes, our heroes call their faithful sidekicks Yisha, Jasmine and Mike. together, they race to the Costume Room, lying in silent ambush for their attacker. the speed and efficiency of our gallant champions of TSD must have scared him off. our tentative recon reveals no evidence of movement. the day is saved by the age-old maneuver known as the "bolt and run".

hooray today for the nonexistent slot!

i also just realised that it's one week to birthday! hm. maybe i should spend that week mugging, reflective of my life in this world thus far.

TSD day

today shall officially be chronicled as TSD Day, because all things TSD suddenly decided to spring up upon me like a wound spring all ready to spring. oh forgive my lack of simile.

for a start, it's Tash's birthday! Tash, who happens to be one of the TSD reps :) so we string up a few balloons, light a few candles [tim burning his finger in the process] and sing that silly tune. then we hit the cake, which was quite nice. happy birthday fellow May baby!

more amazingly, Sunil (?!?!) sends a cake and declares that he wants to pursue theatre for further education (?!?!) sunil?! hahaha... what happy bewilderment for the man who must have created one of the most last minute pieces in the history of TSD. perhaps also the only person to have his name in his sound piece too. lol. quote mikaela "sunil has become my favourite senior over-night". oh, and the cake was quite nice too.

then, groopeas minus the ill bob [take care dude!] meet, discuss my character and kaboom our chaos in AVA. whereupon we stumble upon a very lovely looking piece. i quite enjoy group slots actually, a lot a lot, not least because i really love my fellow groopeas too. now mike understands the power of 'group bonding sessions'. so anyway, we switched roles for a bit [playing anil kumble was heck fun], improv some lines and *poof* theatre magic! showing tmr. yay.

after a long day of breaks, ponned lectures and one long group slot, i head home, sit in front of the computer, and the screen speaks to me. it dictates to me the contents of my journal and my fingers type diligently. the printer starts spitting out black smears on my pristine white paper and my journal is complete. i also managed to divine the sounds for my piece from the murky depths of my swampish imagination.

beginning of complete and obvious sidetrack

i will never survive in the Singapore system. i can't make ruthless decisions or detach my heart from my work. i love what i do and i do what i love. i like Singapore very much, but not enough for me to really want to study here to work here. maybe just to stay here and feel happy.

end of digression

i will consider canada rather more seriously now. a bit fearful perhaps, because it's awfully uncharted territory. well. see where God leads me to then. will miss family, friends, girlfriend. not that mission work will be much different.

revamps self

hello. apologies to those who saw my new skin but with no post to explain. it appears that straight after loading it, my computer decided to get whakced my malicious spyware and i spent the last two hours heroically battling this evil doer from cyberspace. fortunately, my gallant geekiness overcame this vile villain, with much support through my samsung transmitter from my girlfriend. so the day is saved by Superhero Power System Restore!

anyway, it's a nifty little skin. it's got purple and pink, emanates "feminine" and doesn't have any titles for my posts. i haven't decided if i should change the HTML since most of my titles are blase. oh yah. i need to add a title for my blog too. the annoyingness of changing blogskins. golly, i'm starting to sound like best friend vernie now, ignoramus of all things techy.

i figured that i might as well get a blogskin change since everything else is changing. like my conversion to samsung [thank goodness they're not sponsoring chelsea next season]. and *gasp* DENIM! amazingly enough, i'm very proud of my first pair of jeans!!! :) i consider it an accomplishment to have spent almost 18 years denim-less. but no thanks to vernie, who keeps complaining abt my wardrobe, and kai, who keeps trying to spend money on me, the sooner i get something with my own money for myself to change things around a bit, the better things will be.

ok. digression aside. i like my new blogskin.

as for the rest of my life: journal journal journal. a word synonymous with 'imagination', 'conjuration' and 'fabrication'. Mr Pym is either very gullible or very merciful, sifting through our meaningless pages of hogwash under the bright british sun. not that i've been there by the way, merely extending my well-exercised powers of imagination. my piece borders on the thin line between vacuum and faint existence, so i suppose i'm pretty screwed, but i suppose some the 'magic of theatre' will cause a lovely little piece to apparate into the blackbox which i can then call my own. golly. i have such a love-hate r'ship with TSD.

yay, i shall be 18 soon, then i can feel all adultish, buy alcohol, bump my head into a lamp-post and realise that i've hardly grown up one bit.

little amusements

fancy that, it's monday morning already. my lovely TSD journal sits untouched in some remote corner of my hard drive and it's due in a bit. sigh. at least i had [half] my group coming over today [with the other half pang-say-ing us. *grr*] and we had an almighty bitching session :)

out of randomness, a collection of items that amuse me:

malcontent with the limited geographical landscape of this sunny island, the Workers' Party and the PAP have sought to rectify the situation by making 'a mountain out of a molehill' with misplaced election forms. surely, another first for the nation. we can now celebrate this new topographical feature and call it Mt. Lee and sing a little song about it in August.

the school admin wasted too much money on the students' lounge. pool tables, playstations and the like are overrated. on evidence of drama night, victorians are sufficiently fascinated with their newly-found ability to make bird-shadows with their hands. i suggest that we capitalise on this enthusiastic creativity and rig a few follow-spots in the artery, thereby creating the appropriate atmosphere for these culturally-sensitive students to exhibit their talent whhile entertaining themselves.

the perfect music video consists of an adorable flash-animation bunny, a deceptively catchy tune and a mournful discourse about one's unsatisfactory sexual exploits [forgive me mak for my lack of originality] http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OBjnH2QqBZM

all thanks to bohemian makoto and his [misguided] belief that he is the funniest person in the world :) now, i've got a silly song stuck in my head and a lot more passion for sillier brit humour. all hail rowan atkinson, ali g and their anglo-saxon kin.