it's 130 in the morning. i'm feeling grossly embittered by the manner of liverpool's victory in the FA cup final. my hair's wet because i just took a shower, therefore preventing me from sleeping. i'm panicking about the TSD A lvls 2 weeks away. hence i blog.

i just came back from another splendid date with girlfriend. somehow the wrong decisions can always correct themselves inexplicably but raher happily. today being a case in point.

i miss all my friends outside of school. not that classmates and TSDians and random victorians aren't fun. it's just that noone can replicate the history of my friendship with kimkangsmife. i hardly have time to interact with churchmates before having to disappear off for some work-related purpose or another. especially corrie i miss, for obvious reasons. i guess the biggest chunk of friendship is in the absence rather than presence. that said, i can't wait to catch up with them all once the immediate threat of TSD is over.

i stumbled across evelyn's letters the night before. it's funny how it was the spring votives that alerted me to their presence. i remembered how deeply i treasured them and how i could never bear to light them, even after we broke up. rereading every letter i received from her was a strangely cathartic yet philosophical experience. i'm always amazed at how haphazardly love blossomed between us both and how it wilted in an equally chaotic manner. perhaps i was scarcely ready for it then. so long after what's happened, i don't regret very much of what's happened, because i know everything's forgiven and forgotten. what i do regret is what's happened after i got over her. perhaps the time is ripe to speak to her again, but as a brother and not an ex. perhaps. God will lead and i will follow.

maybe i should stop musing about the character of love. it's just that it never ceases to stump me, how different people with different circumstances and different expectations can so universally agree on the same emotion. still, noone can quite express it or pinpoint it or whatever. maybe that's why love is always the X element in movies, since romance can be rehashed, revamped or reworked and still have the same effect on the audience.

in any case, i'm glad that kai's been in my life, as a great friend and as a girlfriend. i learnt a lot during our numerous coffee chats, musing about life and love, which, amusingly enough, revolved around figures other than each other at that time. haha..as i think about it, the mutant muffin cake she baked for me is symbolic, in that for all the fluffy mushy love you have on the top layer of the cake, we still have the boring old, reliable friendship that props it all up.

most importantly, i learnt that Christ has to be the centre. of everything. esp a r'ship. as i read evelyn's letters, i began to appreciate how much God has made me grow. yes, i have learnt from many of my previous failings. maybe i'm not as interesting or exciting as others might be, but i'd rather much be sturdy and dependable in a stormy world than flighty and non-committal. i'm a nice boring old fart and that suits me just fine :)