i should unmask my true feelings.

mask? hahaha. theatre. again. I HATE WHAT I'M DOING.

i should stop pretending. stop stop stop pretending. then again, i think that's all i do in TSD. it sucks when everyone else is saying how they love the course and love theatre and love it all. it's been fine and well to smile along and agree. right now i'm going to declare that everything i've ever said about liking theatre is really a load of tosh.

there were so many things i bloody wanted to do in JC. and i can say definitely that it was because i chose to take this course that i couldn't do them. i wanted to join council but could i? no. it was between TSD and SC so i knew subject should come first. i wanted to really hone my drumming talent in band competitions in JC but because of all the TSD commitments, i couldn't. the exit during last year's MusicFest semis still stings.

and i REGRET DROPPING LIT. i should really stop lying. i really do regret it. i hurt every single damn time i'm standing outside of mr ho's class waiting for it to finish. why? i could be in there, enjoying the discussion, sparking newfound interest in a new cause or point of deliberation. it'd force me to read more fiction, which i tend not to do but, now i realise, secretly enjoy. i pretend i like dropping lit to make myself feel better.

and now that sayers is upset about the TSD-induced absence, things have become a ton more personal. sayers is the best teacher i've ever had, no matter what anyone else may think or say. hearing how angry he was is like a stab in the heart, because i'd so much rather be in class studying history than pretending i can do theatre. i don't care what anyone else says but the mental odyessy that history, econs and lit take me through has really been more engaging than TSD.

it was between dropping lit and TSD. contrary to the crap i've been spouting, dropping econs was never an option. ever. i chose lit because TSD was had a social element. that's it.

to be honest, it's that which is the sole saving grace for TSD for me. i've obviously gotten to know and become attached to kai because of TSD. similarly, i've had some really good friendships with people like vernie, yisha, saiful and everyone else whose names i'm too lazy to type out because i'm feeling very upset now. i get to interact with the juniors, with the excellent teachers and loads of other people whom i wouldn't have ever met without TSD.

but that social bridge is double-edged. i've been kept from kimkangsmife a lot more than i'd like to be. likewise, i wish i could talk to alvin, yvette, jasmine and so many other people so much more. and all other engagements otherwise sacrificed in view of TSD.

"but theatre gives you that 'on-stage high' which you'll never get again!" nonsense. i've had it so many times before TSD and, ironically sacrificed it because of the course. whenever i drum or play music, i get that feeling. in fact, when i performed drama before joining TSD, i never had stage fright in any case. now, not only am i kept from my music, i freeze when i act. and that really sucks. in all humonogousness.

it's mostly because i feel extremely inferior and hopeless in this course. i don't expect to be an ace in everything. but i can never see things the way others see them in their heads. heck. kai shows that to me everyday, because her theatrical vision far outstrips what meagre glimpses of visual creativity i have. same with vernie and her brilliant ability to act magically. even in sound design, rowell takes the hat. completely. i feel utterly useless and out of place.

of course this rant in coming on the back of a long delayed yet impromptu meeting with smife and kim, after watching 'The Glass Menagerie" and with the immense stress of the TSD A lvls coming in less than a fortnight. nonetheless, i know that even when all this is over, i'll still have a lot of these feelings and regrets. the worst part is that i know it was all my choice.

the best part is that God still somehow manifests Himself in that choice, even in the crying and the sheer anguish.
the second-best part is that God sent you to remind me that love never fails.