find me again

whisper my name in the quiet place, in my darkness reveal Your face. how do i come to You in contrite surrender and reverent awe? as shadows fall across my path, fulfill Your promise and light my path. i want to open up my heart and let the Healer set me free.

somehow, i know you're not quite where you used to be. you're there, no doubt, that i know, but i've lost that drive and passion that used to propel me in the past. it faded months ago, glimmered fleetingly over the last month, hinting revival, only to be disappointed by a return of my spiritual malaise.

laziness cripples my walk, i'm sure. where i would wake up each morning and thank you for giving my breath and life for a whole new day, i now roll out of bed and grumble, forgetting that your mercies are new every morning. i can't discipline myself to journal consistently and so i flip through, pretending that i'm actually engaging but really not. uncharacteristically, i seek the end and not the means. i pray all the time, but only because it's convenient.

i have stopped challenging myself. i don't make it a point to 7/7, or to memorise verses, or to do anything. even my thai has come to a standstill of late. sure, i'm busy and stressed, but wasn't i the same in J1? that never hindered me from touching your immesuarable glory. now, i flint like a pale shadow of my old new self, dawdling on the race-track and not running.

it used to be just you and me. everyday. i remember it so clearly. how i longed to be in your embrace and never want to leave, even when the bell rang. i miss those times.

now, there are countless distractions, innumerable expectations. despite my pretence, i know i haven't drawn out of the rat-race as much as i'd like to. i know i'm running the wrong race. i've lost my focus and not made you my first priority.

oh, that you would find me again and fill me up again! i thirst, hunger, ache for you! God knows how much i miss you - because you are God. draw me back to you, dear Lord.