consider this

ok, i'm not particularly morose or melancholic. i haven't been since getting with girlfriend, thankfully, but this is perhaps the lowest ebb since then. a lot of things running through my head.

well, to begin with, there's TSD, as always. i wouldn't say i'm 'losing confidence in TSD'. i firmly believe in what the programme aspires to achieve and without TSD, i wouldn't be in VJC, i wouldn't have recovered from evelyn, wouldn't have made such strong bonds of friendship, etc... i love the course. the problem is that i'm not fantastic at it. after watching yesterday's pieces [esp rowell's. golly.], i felt more than a little untalented. yes, yes, i know i have my gifts, such as history and lit [haha] but as i watched talia, tash, rowell, saif, darrel, maya...the whole lot essentially, i couldn't help but wish i had the vision and talent and drive. i've always admired people with such creative capacity but i can never be them. i guess i should be a bit more confident lah.

and dearest Groopeas, don't worry abt me!!! haha. thank you for taking such pains to explain the situation to me but, honestly, it was unnecessary. as personal friends, you rank among my closest. i would never upset your theatre. really. all i needed to know was 'no' and 'professional reasons', and that would've been enough :) i shall find my way around.

i guess i just feel socially withdrawn this year. not anti lah. just the opposite of vernie. last year, she hung around with kai and i a lot and this year, she's expanding her social circles. i built a lot of bridges last year but this year, i seem to keep to myself much more, at least within TSD circles.

it's not like i don't have friends. i do. kai and vernie, for sure, and also yish and saiful [love you guys!!!]. but vernie's busy, yish has turned into a mugger-toad [haha] and kai's now my girlfriend. i still feel comfortable around alvin, yvette and quite a few non-TSDians, but that's outside TSD and a non-issue. some pple will say that 'oh, it's because you have a girlfirend' but it really isn't. i can't quite place it. maybe it's because i miss corrie. and also the whole trauma of the group prelims affecting me inperceptibly. i dunno. as vernie and kai would already know, my social confidence in TSD circles is at an all time low.

not a reflection of the course though :) i still have great friendships with juniors and i would never relinquish TSD [not that i can]. i'm just at a loss trying to explain why all this has happened.

on further reflection, i think it's a negative shift in my entire life for the last few months and this is just a spin-off. the explosion of my temper twice in two weeks still scares me when i think back. the extremely unhealthy anger/frustration with _____ drags me down a lot. everything's going well at home at least, but because of my course, i haven't had the time to interact with my church friends as much as i'd like, although i'm still very comfy around them. i suppose it's all for a purpose which i can't quite see right now.

it's probably hubris. after rising out of the ashes of my last broken r'ship, i forgot where all my blessings came from and began to think that i could do things alone. such good results in my promos and seeing my life go back on track, it's so easy to revel in inward pride. i've touched the bottom of this latest threshold that God has set for me. now, it's pretty much to bounce back in the manner which has defined my Christian walk so far - up, down, then soaring higher than before again.