my aldersgate moment

"In the evening I went very unwillingly to a society in Aldersgate Street where one was reading Luther's preface to the Epistle to the Romans. About a quarter before nine, while he was describing the change which God works in the heart through faith in Christ, I felt my heart strangely warmed."

- John Wesley

It's strange how your day can sometimes mirror what you are hearing without you realising it until it hits you like an amazing revelation. Today was the first time for me.

My struggles this week haven't been of the monumental sort. i wish they were sometimes, because the big things are easier to handle. but no, it wasn't to be the case. little things like death striking people who aren't particularly close to my heart but are familiar faces nonetheless, and altogether in a week. the usual case of sinning too: doing what i'm not supposed to do and not doing what i should be doing; more often it is the latter rather than the former that weighs me down. then there's that distance from God, not having heard His voice clear and still above the storm for so long.

if problems were like raindrops, i'd rather they come all at once like the torrential downpour instead of trickling in like the greyish drizzle. it perpetuates for a forever and more, and it drags your spirits down into the muddy slosh it forms. but enough on this, because this is about my mini-aldersgate.

i was learning about the history of the church and Methodism today. unlike the previous sessions on theology, doctrines and all, this stuff really excites me. i like hearing stories [which fuels my interest in history] and the story of the church really gets me going. i hear about amazing things that i've never heard before, like how Christianity spread into Asia first before going into Europe. the missions into China in AD600. the matyrdom of the Christians in Persia. the internal conflicts within the church. it was almost like a fantastical tale that no writer could weave, save for the master Author of life.

hearing about the failure of the church because of human weakness jolted me from my drudgery. it was as if a little ember that glowed in my tired heart suddenly burst into scorching flames, forcing me to take notice. i've spent months having my determination to pursue missions wholeheartedly whittle down, my faith being rocked by thunderous winds, feeling discouraged by the consuming darkness. then, this song bursts out in my ailing heart and calls me to sing along.

for the first time in months, i felt convicted, reaffirmed. my problems didn't disappear. God forbid they should. the dead remain departed. the words uttered remain spoken. but there was now a refining fire were there once was none, and the song it sang made all the difference.

as i learned about John Wesley, founder of the Methodist church, struggling to serve God in his frail humanity, making terrible mistakes and facing discouraging circumstances, i felt a strange bond with him. yes, a man who lived more than 200 years ago. just like he felt when he trudged to aldersgate, i felt similarly discompelled. but the message he heard there and then woke him from his stupor, and left him feeling strangely warmed, just as i, hearing all that has been said, feel similarly warmed in that shadowy recess of my heart. the fog that seemed to cloud my thinking turned out to be a passing veil, at this moment drawn away to reveal the road ahead to higher peaks.

so, even as the fire singes and sings, it sets me alight as well as i sing along in its curious melody. it seems strangely familiar, as if i know the tune but i have forgotten the words. the flames roll to my tongue, and my voice then sparks into the familiarity of this unknown language. and i could speak, sing forever, in this tongue of the Spirit, knowing that the words to sing come from Him alone.

and He sings the same tune too.