the usurping babysitter

in the infamous nanny state, it appears as if a renegade babysitter is attemping to unsettle the long-serving nanny and adopt the kids.

this year's general election looks positively exciting indeed. i know i was once a cynical member of the post-1965 brigade but, with GE2006, suddenly the words "Singapore" and "politics" seem a lot more palatable on the same sentence again. finally, not only is the Opposition putting up a fight, it's putting up a rather credible one for once - a first in my lifetime, really.

i always thought it sad that we had "PAP vs. Opposition". it's rather pathetic that the competition to the ruling party is such a ragtag bunch that no single party can stand out from under the collective tag of 'Opposition'. so, finally, after 18 years of cynicism, the 'Opposition' has given me something to jolt me from my armchair.

i'm quite impressed by the Workers' Party this election. not only are they fielding the most candidates among any of the Opposition parties, they've opted to be rather cavalier and very, very gutsy. firstly, they're fielding a good number of young candidates, one as young as 24! goodness. it's very inspiring, esp considering his background and his firm stance on the casino issue. secondly, low thia khiang has challenged the PAP's "First World opposition" with the entertaining thought that "the PAP is not a First World government". kudos to you, mr low. thirdly [and this takes the hat], they're fighting for Ang Mo Kio GRC! our PM's very own ward. foolhardy, maybe, but brave, very brave. and i admire that tremendously.

i've read commentaries, both local and foreign. they tend to raise interesting and valid issues but feel more like an intentional witch-hunt of the PAP rather than a credible case for dissent in the form of another government. more freedom of speech for the arts, less 'HDB upgrading' election tactics, blahblahblah. the problem is that none of these groups have ever banded together to feasibly challenge the PAP. the sporadic, individualistic protest, perhaps, but never a full-fledged opposition. the issues often aren't big enough to warrant it anyway.

i've bought The New Democrat straight out of Dr Chee's hand too. just for the sake of reading it. that was disappointing too. a handful of reasonable points raised but by and large, a self-indulgent rant against the PAP which i could have come up with myself too. i've stopped by JBJ at City Hall once too. more ranting.

i'm glad the WP is putting up a fight this time around. it's only a pity i can't vote and that they aren't contesting my GRC. i would love to attend one of their rallies to see what it's like. i might decide that the PAP is the better choice after all, but at least i had a choice to begin with. the WP is looking increasingly credible, while not as a proper ruling party yet, but as a worthy wake-up call to the comfortable nanny. things in Singapore could just get a tad more interesting in the next few weeks, and i can't wait to see what happens :)

beautiful day

prologue.

it's a beautiful day
sky falls feel like
it's a beautfiul day
don't let it get away

act i.

it is not when doused embers miraculously erupt into white flame that one acknowledges a higher being, but when, improbably, they battle on ever brighter, ever brighter, that the eye is not blinded but enlightened to God.

grotesque structures of rising concrete transfigure beauteously under the fast-fading glow of the setting sun, as does melancholy withdraw the glare to colour the world with radiant shades of blur and night, in these throes of uncertainty that peace is birthed.

act ii.

reject the cheer and chirp of the head-bobbing beats, with their pretence of joy merely tacked on cheaply with verbose cliche. embrace instead the embroidery of stray notes and syncopation, and watch as they embellish the heart with wine-warmth smiles.

scour the creamy flower fields, present me the most elegant lily, watch them flutter away with the shifting winds. seize upon the sole thorned-scarlet, pierce foolish inhibitions, greet not the gentilesse but its subsequent lack, and yearn for more of the same.

act iii.

watch! watch! language the illusion that obfuscates the truth but, artist-like, proclaims it all the same. couched in eloquence is emotion, embedded in imagery is reality; falsehood and imagination cast no shadows.

epilogue.

let the crumbling sky collapse and die, that it may open the way to the heavens above.

bear and bull

a big thank you to those who've been supporting me through this week, be it the simple SMS or being with me all the way through. actually i've not really told anyone what's happening and noone knows either, but having people around counts for something. it's not that my matters of faith have been clearing up all that much, so i wait expectant for Sunday.

i doubt anyone will get my little pun of a title, since noone thinks econs or double-meaning in my demented fashion by it's ok :)

anyway, up-down week, obviously. loads of performances, not just this week but in the coming fortnight as well. i watched "Two Gentlemen of Verona" by Lasalle-SIA and it was nothing short of brilliant. ok, so some might disagree but i loved it. similarly for West Side Story. watch it! it's been a while since i've cried at a play but this really did it for me. worth the whole $80. regale was a bit disappointing since i've been exposed to some fantastic dance concerts, rather telling since the highlight of the show for me was the teachers putting on tutus and looking all adorable [mr. ho takes the cake :D]. a handful of performances both in and outta school coming up, quite looking forward [queen ping, drama, glossolalia, death of the maiden]. at least i feel somewhat like a worthy TSD student.

whether for better or for worse, i've been chucking some of my old stuff for new stuff. my hp being obviously new :) vernie is going to take my shopping, since she so insists. i'm actually wearing jeans *gasp* i'm actually not buying "Oblivion" yet. shocking stuff. but yes, i feel sufficiently traumatised and shaken to want some change in my life.

i feel like a liverpool fan tonight. i cheered every touch by gerrard, garcia, crouch (!!!) and the lot, only because they were playing against horrid chelski. they won of course, and i feel rather elated. one of the few times you'll see me celebrating a scouser victory [unless it's everton over liverpool :P]

i crashed harris' lit lecture on fri. it was quite amusing. i actually felt very involved, as if i hadn't dropped lit at all. i guess i still do enjoy the subject, so long as i'm not tested on it. oh well, it was good to get some fiction and energy in to my life. i realise that my imagination has been consumed by non-fiction and economic stats. ugh.

righto. i'm exhausted. i promised kai i'd sleep after i hung up, but football and dad's return beckoned so here i am. i'll sleep real soon.

*hug* corrie for the most timely support i could imagine
-insert mush here- to girlfriend and -insert pseudomush here- to best friend for spending so much time with me. much, much appreciated.
big thanks to saif for just being a great friend whom i can always rubbish with. i didn't say it, but you helped me feel a whole lot better on multiple occasions. likewise with yish, in spite of regale commitments. thank you.
bert, makoto, for proactive support and counsel
all other random people here too, for aiding me in my ailing without knowing it.

just thank you for the very proactive support, esp in school, but also outside of it, because even your one SMS or taking time out to contact me has restored my faith somewhat in the love of friendships. i'm not so embittered now, but yes, will slowly pursue the treacherous, pot-holed road to recovery.

you have reached the end of mike's disjointed discourse. smile and give yourself a pat on the back. you've done well.

the wheel turns

i watch and wait as the wheel, once again, turns ominously.

after 18 years of life, everyone becomes obsessed, even if only remotely, about something. today's birthday girl is facsinated by everything orange. yisha indulges in all things japanese. makoto, ironically, indulges in sport, esp cricket.

me? i can't seem to wrench my sight off the clumsy way with which people socialise. no, it's not a scathing attack; i know i'm equally guilty as well. it just fascinates me. in what strange manner do humans try to bond and how then do they keep those friendships? while it's not a 'scathing attack', i admit that it is a bitter reflection.

to put it bluntly, i'm losing faith in friendships. yes, they can be formed but they only ever reach a certain stage before they crumple with hardly a whimper. right now, i'm caught in a dilemma. should i simply go all out and name names and feel all the more better about it or simply be generic and make everyone hate me? i don't know really. right. names then.

for a start, i miss corrie terribly. it's not her fault that we can't really talk anymore. she's busy, i'm busy and so much has changed over simply a few months. i know i keep coming back to this but it's only now that she's gone that i realise how much i needed her more than any other person in my life then. she was the only one who could not only understand me but listen to me and give me good advice that i often neglected. why is it that in small Singapore and in such a short span of time, the best friendship i ever had can peter off into nothing?

ok i shan't go on. i understand that corrie is the only one i can really lament because it just happened out of circumstance and that makes me struggle.

as much as i deny it, i'm losing faith. more than anything now, i desperately need Christian support. for so long, i've been denying so much for the sake of the cross, yet things have rather much taken a turn for a worse than for the better. i've been searching, searching for someone whom i could rally with. but smife is plagued with her own problems. alvin is bound by council commitments. after that...i don't know.

for too long, i've been relying on vernie and kai for emotional support and that they've provided abundantly. but everything that happened yesterday shook me to the core.

so, the social wheel turns again, and friends who were once bosom buddies now seem immeasurably distant, and the further reaches become nearer still. after too many cycles, i'm too weary to reach out for anyone again, fearful that these shifting social circles will revolve again.

falling flowers and drab skies
i feel the return to sec 2 again

girlfriend and groopeas! [almost]

YAY! groopeas outing! :) + darrel - vernie & bob though... *sadness* but it was good fun nonetheless. there was a lovely outing to ming's church where they had a healing service and play+sermon which was quite enjoyable. yes, some bits were culturally foreign to me but i understood the message clearly. God spoke to me in a way that reminded me who He was and what He meant to me. it was a good and timely reminder :)

we had a so-so dinner at Mad Jack near Coronation Plaza, average Western food lah. ming and mak had a tryst in the playroom upstairs :P then we finished our dinner and headed off to Island Creamery!!! *whee!* apple pie, burnt caramel and my kahlua latte :) i think ice-cream is a fantastic bonding device *shmiles*

munchkin!!! obvious was the first thing we did when we got to my place. ming won. again *grumbles...* hee. but it was fun and chaotic, even as makoto kept trying to CHEAT and i keep getting sabo-ed for no reason :( groopeas the pseudo-munchkins! yay. ok i'm rambling.

we watched a handful of stupid clips of you-tube, particularly entertaining one being the james blunt parody :P with makoto on board, i don't there's ever a shortage of online fun. so we watched till the girls ha to zip off, then mak and darrel had to head off not long after too. oh well. twas fun :)

alright, the madness has settled. that was the second half of my day. the first half consisted of my church service and a date with girlfriend :) i'm glad she could come for Good Friday service, albeit late because we both didn't know the bus route *lol* but at least she was there :)

ok, bar the little issue of _____, i'm sure it was very enjoyable. pefita looked very happy that kai was there :) i actually love my church very much, because for all it's small-ness in size and non-church like setting, the environment is so warm and tightly-knit, since almost everyone knows almost everyone. not saying that big churches are bad, but this is a personal preference and i love it that my church is so.

then, lunch at Thai Noodle House :) i hadn't been there for ages, so it was exciting to go with girlfriend and savour the authentic [and cheap] food once again. and practise my ailing thai :P well, at least the waitress understood me and i managed to avoid disclosing the amount to kai. hehe. tom yam!!!

alright. then down to town, shopping for 1) Kai's costume, 2) my guitar string and 3) presents for each other. lol. i think we do the weirdest things. well.

i have also decided that i will revamp my wardrobe *haha.* or try to lah. yay. fun day.

*shoots self in head*

why? because i'm actually filing up one of those "pass around online" thingums. and from vernie, nonetheless. oh well. nice to take a break from my pseudo-intellectual ramblings:

( ) smoked a cigarette - no, i just smoke during history :P
( ) crashed a friend's car
( ) stolen a car
(x) been in love - only twice actually, contrary to common belief :x
(x) been dumped - strangely enough, more times than i've been in love
( ) shoplifted
( ) been fired
( ) been in a fist fight
(x) snuck out of your parent's house - oops.
(x) had feelings for someone who didn't have them back - way too many times than i care to remember
( ) been arrested
( ) gone on a blind date - *looks at kai and vernie and gives knowing laugh*
(x) lied to a friend - not too many times, fortunately
(x) skipped school - oh yes. definitely. i even schedule those days.
( ) seen someone die
(x) had a crush on one of your internet friends - oh gosh. how embarrassing.
( )been to Canada
( ) been to Mexico
(x) been on a plane
( ) purposely set a part of yourself on fire
(x) eaten sushi
(x) been skiing
(x) been at a concert - MTV Asia Awards! haha... but Sonicfest and FoP as well :)
(x) taken painkillers - like a bullet to the head, maybe?
(x) miss someone right now - girlfriend. duh. but also close friends who seem to have faded into the distance. sigh :(
(x) laid on your back and watched cloud shapes go by - and wonder at the beauty of it all
(x) made a snow angel - twas pathetic. the snow was too frozen :(
( ) had a tea party
(x) flown a kite
(x) built a sand castle
(x) gone puddle jumping
( ) played dress up
( ) jumped into a pile of leaves
(x) gone sledding - i think it's easier than skiing. push and tumble.
(x) cheated while playing a game - now you know how i win all those games of munchkin *grin*
(x) been lonely - which explains my vcious cycle of r'ships
(x) fallen asleep at work/school
( ) used a fake ID - i usually fool the guy at 7-11 anyway :)
(x) watched the sun set - everyday in my room. beautiful.
( ) felt an earthquake
( ) slept beneath the stars
(x) been tickled
( ) been robbed
(x) been misunderstood
(x) petted a kangaroo/reindeer/goat - yeah, kangaroos are adorable. goats are not.
( ) won a contest
( ) run a red light/stop sign
( ) been suspended from school - nearly, i think, but doesn't quite count.
( ) been in a car crash
( ) had braces
(x) felt like an outcast/third person - i.e. gooseberry :P
( ) eaten a whole pint of ice cream in one night - nearly. i will one day :)
(x) had deja vu
(x) danced in the moonlight
(x) liked the way you looked
( ) witnessed a crime
(x) questioned your heart - many, many, many times...
( ) been obsessed with post-it notes
(x) squished barefoot through the mud
( ) been lost - i'm not vernie
(x) been on the opposite side of the country - everyday when i go to school *lol*
(x) swam in the ocean
(x) felt like dying
(x) cried yourself to sleep
( ) played cops and robbers
( ) recently colored with crayons
(x) sung karaoke - michael jackson at least a decade ago, if my memory serves me well
(x) paid for a meal with only coins - YES!!! hahaha!!! at sushi tei. for a $50+ meal. :) :) :)
(x) done something you told yourself you wouldn't
(x) made prank phone calls - yeah, pretended to be a malaysian phone operator. priceless.
(x) laughed until some kind of beverage came out of your nose
( ) caught a snowflake on your tongue
(x) danced in the rain - yeah. was where i met evelyn.
( ) written a letter to Santa Claus
( ) been kissed under the mistletoe - too cliched ;)
(x) watched the sun rise with someone you care about - more than one person actually. the whole youth group :)
(x) blown bubbles
(x) made a bonfire on the beach - Yu Kanghao.
( ) crashed a party
(x) gone rollerskating
(x) had a wish come true
( ) jumped off a bridge
( ) ate dog/cat food
( ) told a complete stranger you loved them
( ) kissed a mirror - my ego isn't that big
(x) sang in the shower
(x) had a dream that you married someone - quite a few times. worryingly, with different people :x
(x) glued your hand to something
( ) kissed a fish - ugh!
(x) sat on a roof top - RJC, lol. yu kanghao again.
(x) screamed at the top of your lungs
( ) done a one-handed cartwheel
( ) talked on the phone for more than 5 hours
(x) stayed up all night - Amazing gRace :) and football marathon, of course
( ) picked and ate an apple right off the tree
(x) climbed a tree - or at least attempted to :x
( ) had a tree house
( ) scared to watch a scary movie alone - i just don't watch them
(x) believe in ghosts - spirits lah. not ghosts.
( ) have more than 30 pairs of shoes
(x) worn a really ugly outfit to school - i call it 'uniform'
( ) gone streaking
( ) gone doorbell ditching
( ) played gay chicken - wth?!
(x) pushed into a pool/hot tub with all your clothes on - more like 'carried and dunked'
( ) broken a bone
(x) been easily amused
( ) caught a fish then ate it
( ) caught a butterfly
(x) laughed so hard you cried - haha.. at the dinner table with my quirky family :P
( ) cried so hard you laughed
(x) cheated on a test - countless ting xies.
(x) forgotten someone's name
( ) gone skinny dipping in a pool/hot tub
( ) been threatened to be kicked out of your house or been kicked out of your house - i think i ejected myself.

inertia renounced

i figured that i really want to do something.

for all the hot air i blow about 'social concerns' and 'political issues', i realised that i don't actually do anything substantial about it. ok, so i go up to Thailand every now and then and i intend to devote my life to God's ministry in to the underprivileged. but still. there are causes that i really care about, that i could possibly do something about. obviously, i haven't done so.

why should i even limit it to 'causes that i really care about', kinda think abt it? it's not as if God is going to put me into comfortable areas of service when i grow up. i might as well start thinking about doing His work of His choice and not His pseudo-work of my choice. if He wants me to go there, He's not gonna just dump me there with nothing but my own flesh and bones but will bless me with all that i need, so long as i'm working for Him.

lol, look! i've managed to talk so much. how ironic. right now, i have significant commitments to TSD, to my family and to the church. once june's passed though, i want to sign up for some social work or volunteerism projects. where exactly, God will lead and i will follow :)

growing up

it wasn't too long ago that i was like my brother, indulging in the joys of primary school without a care or worry in the world, bar the next chinese test or whether my friends liked me or not. those care-free days at kang's place, playing all sorts of ridiculous games as we skived what lessons we could. the little spats that smife and i would get into and out of within 10 minutes. my first experience of what a crush was with kim! haha...

then life drags time by the second hand and thrusts us age first-hand.

whenever i meet up with kimkangsmife, it always amazes me how we have forged such a deep friendship from those days in primary school, frolicking in the...HPPS corridors? lol. it's funny how we never stop and ponder how we've really moved on from those days into our current lives. which of us would have imagined the A levels in P5? yet here we are, and there's no turning back the clock to repent for past sins or make right the wrongs.

i wonder what life would be like if mark william were still in Singapore. he, along with kang, formed my first ever triumvirate and unwittingly set the precedent for my relationships to come. sometimes, God plays an unexpected card, but the game has to go on. it's been almost 6 years since Jus Nenes [ask no questions and i'll tell no lies. haha... long story] left for NZ and i don't 'miss him' in the typical way but i wonder. he was a great friend and i'm sure my happy quartet would resoundingly agree.

perhaps, in so many ways, i've hardly grown up. yes, i'm tons more cynical and a lot more streetwise than i was during those innocent primary school days [or even secondary school, for that matter], but there's something i've learnt from mr sayers: "It is when things are changing the most on the surface that things are hardly changing at all." for the now-familiar pimples, weary eyebags and sleep eyes that have masked my youth that is soon to pass, there remains something inherently...kiddish about me.

i carry that childish innocence in my heart. behind the sarcasm and cynicism, i realised that i'm no less trusting than when i first began. it must be true, considering that, after so many broken relationships and being torn apart by the rumour mill, i still instinctively believe that romance can still blossom from the pain. i don't know. sometimes it slips, that i take everything so willingly at face-value, forgetting that the world can be a tricky, cunning place. it hits me hard at times, but i think i'd like to live the rest of my life in child-like trust and get hurt rather than become a wily fox but live a scheming, unhappy existence. maybe even this thinking is inherently kiddish. let God decide.

i can't deny that i've changed though. what i did when i was young, i did so out of obedience to my parents and for the blurry moral known as 'good'. now, i know Jesus Christ personally and i am living out my faith for Him in love rather than for mere concepts and beliefs, that i know will whittle away in time. also, where i used to laze about before the PSLE, i've learnt those crucial lessons during secondary school and i find an unfamiliar diligence possessing me. i've also moved out of my reclusive shell which swallowed me up after the disappointments of 2000. i've found life and love in God, in my relationships with others, in what i do. i look at the reflection in the mirror, look at my Sunday school picture and i can't help but laugh :)

i think the process of maturity has this dangerous beauty about it. through those turbulent years of puberty, anything can happen and affect one's life to swerve in the wildest directions. despite the basic mould that parents try to establish over their child, puberty tends to fling that out the window and turn the child into a grown adult, into his or her own person. in a way, that is frighteningly disconcerting. but it's also wonderfully fascinating, even more so than the magical metamorphosis that occurs when a caterpillar transforms into a butterfly. i know it's overstated, but lest it's meaning be lost, stop and ponder at that amazing transformation. then look at your own life and smile, weep, laugh, shudder at the multitude of events that have imploded to forge this very own you. perhaps i'm being child-like again, but it's lovely.

why am i being so philosophical this fine, sunny day? in typical fashion, mike's roundabout explanation. well, i've finally got my own bank account, which is quite a step. to be honest, my parents give me a lot of freedom but they also baby me a lot, which is a good-bad thing. so anyway, the account that was tied to my mum's has finally ceased to exist. on the way to lunch at Cheong Chin Nam Road, i noticed that Liquid Kitchen was opening a joint here, and i started thinking about me and alcohol, and how the 'forbidden fruit' of my younger days was now acceptable to my parents and to me. then i finally get home, sit down and feel philosophical. which is pretty much an old man's sport, but nvm. lol.

so, yeah, i'm growing out of my parents' arms and into God's alone. legally, i'm going to be responsible for my own actions, but, more importantly, i'm learning to become spiritually responsible for the way my life goes as well. it's as if stewardship was being steadily eased into my hands while faith is blossoming and singing a little song in my heart, a song that i pray will one day erupt into crescendo. but those days are still not yet here. right now, i'm on that in-between precipice that finely divides my youth and my adulthood.

maybe, in good time, i'll be singing those songs that you always hear, reminisicing about one's youth. unlike many of those sorry tunes though, i will look back on my now-fading youth with great fondness, because God was leading me through it all. "Remember your Creator in the days of youth...", and i pray that i've done just that, to the glory of God :)

blue like jazz

i've finally finished reading that lovely book by Donald Miller. after getting used to the whole "Christian jargon" that most authors use, "Blue like Jazz" was visually refreshing and spiritually exciting. not surprising, considering how the author seems to gripe about the same cliches in Christianity that i struggle with as well. i've not had so many epiphanies reading a book since i slowly digested Philip Yancey's "The Jesus I Never Knew". it appears that i like books that challenge the way i think, the way most people conventionally think.

what i'm beginning to realise is that Jesus is one heck of a RADICAL! i mean, yah, Sunday school pictures show Him with long flowy hair, tending to sheep and sepaking to children. Then they zip to the crucifixion, resurrection, ascension and voila! The world is saved! perhaps it's time for me to discard those cliched notions in my head and reread the Gospels. Jesus kept the laws, yes, but not through legalism. not a boring lists of "do's and don't", like the religious leaders were doing, but through a pretty audacious claim: "do as i do!". now that is cool. it's even cooler because He actually meant it. for real. and it actually leads somewhere other than destruction.

then, i also want to know Jesus. like a friend. like someone i've just had a phone call conversation with last night. that kinda thing. i realised that it's been a long time since i've actually talked seriously to Him without expecting His response or anticipating His replies with the 'politically correct answer' as i think them to be. i've lost that sense of wonder, that mysticism that is inherent to faith. i don't know why 'mystic' is such a taboo word in Christian circles. i really think God is mystical. otherwise He'd been rational, explainable, ordinary and downright boring.

NO! God is out of this world, indescribable! if my God could be defined in totally rational, scientific terms, i wouldn't want to call Him God, because there'd be nothing about Him that makes me want to worship Him. i realised that it's no point engaging in philosophical, theological debates trying to prove that God exists. there'll always be someone smarter, with a quicker tongue and greater intellect than me, and he or she will prove conclusively that God does not exist. or that He's evil and nasty and vindictive.

which suits me just fine, actually, because i know that nothing that anyone says can ever take away the experiences that i've had with God. personal time with a friend. whom i love dearly.

my faith is like jazz. it likes to be free. it enjoys what it does. and it sings a soothing song in my heart, of a God who reigns on high.

vision

another spate of visions again. it's been a while since i've last had one that's struck me so strongly and now i've had a handful. but just one that i will share.

i'm standing, crying, and i can feel the tears on my face, but i realise that i don't have a face. all i see is this blackish, barbed figure that looks hideous, like some mutilated scarecrow. as in all visions, i know somehow that this figure represents me. me, in my awful sinfulness, in my failings and brokenness.

suddenly, His face appears. i just know it's Him. and He's awfully close, inspecting this shredded rag-doll that is me right up close, as if He were a craftsman carefully analysing His work. i felt ashamed to be there with Him. but i couldn't get out because His gaze enthralled me and fixed me in His hand. so i surrendered and allowed Him to hold me and gaze at this manifestation of my weakness and ungodliness. then, He spoke in words that seemed familiar:

"You could spend your whole life feeling horrible and wretched, but everytime you come to me, I'll point out 'right there, there's a part that's beautiful'." Then He pointed at my centre, where i noticed there was an ember glowing, softly but strongly. He didn't say anything, but i knew He meant that He saw the heart of worship with which i truly sought Him.

therein ended the vision. i was crying, of course. i think every vision has that effect on me. but it struck me to the core. "Seek me with all your heart..." i wanted to shout out "I DO" but for the fact that i was on a bus. i know that desire alone is not enough, for i must live out my faith rather than keep it inside unseen. but i felt so glad knowing that God saw that i truly wanted to know Him and to serve Him, and that the focus should not be on the frightful barbs on the outside but on the glowing ember that could smoulder all those barbs and burst forth in me to shine HIS NAME!

Amen :)

slowly whittle away

it's strange how i've learnt to accept it rather than fight it. for half a year, yes, it faded into the distance, but it's come thundering back with vengeance. i don't see why i can't seem to marry all the aspects of my life together into a single face. i'm pretty much the same, but also very different, altogether at once. i can sense that genuine, fledgling humility at one moment but drip with poisonous pride only minutes later. sometimes i can smile from the depths of my heart, other times i feel it plastered on my cold, hard face like cheap wallpaper.

perhaps it exists in everyone, i don't know. i'm trying my best to shear off the unsavoury dimension of me and nurture the fruit of the Spirit as much as i can. however, if i were a farmer, it's as if i were throwing a mixture of fertiliser and weedkiller on the same patch of field at the same time. i find myself wrestling with this agonising dichotomy at almost every moment, even when i'm sitting on the bus, glazed eyes staring out at seemingly nowhere. all that while, my mind is furiously battling what feels like a losing battle for goodness and godliness.

i guess it would help if someone told me that this is pretty normal. or if there were a way out. i've heard and read a lot of helpful advice that has nudged me helpfully in the right direction, but somehow or other, it just gets throttled by some weakness of mine. pride, perhaps. or laziness. i desperately, desperately want to honour God with my whole life, but right now, it feels like a 50-50 ratio.

if only there were a way to change conclusively. one thing i've learnt in life though, is that nothing comes easily or instantaneously. it's always the hard, long journeys that are most satisfying and most rewarding, with that glorious view on the mountain top, before realising that there are even higher mountains to challenge.