the wheel turns

i watch and wait as the wheel, once again, turns ominously.

after 18 years of life, everyone becomes obsessed, even if only remotely, about something. today's birthday girl is facsinated by everything orange. yisha indulges in all things japanese. makoto, ironically, indulges in sport, esp cricket.

me? i can't seem to wrench my sight off the clumsy way with which people socialise. no, it's not a scathing attack; i know i'm equally guilty as well. it just fascinates me. in what strange manner do humans try to bond and how then do they keep those friendships? while it's not a 'scathing attack', i admit that it is a bitter reflection.

to put it bluntly, i'm losing faith in friendships. yes, they can be formed but they only ever reach a certain stage before they crumple with hardly a whimper. right now, i'm caught in a dilemma. should i simply go all out and name names and feel all the more better about it or simply be generic and make everyone hate me? i don't know really. right. names then.

for a start, i miss corrie terribly. it's not her fault that we can't really talk anymore. she's busy, i'm busy and so much has changed over simply a few months. i know i keep coming back to this but it's only now that she's gone that i realise how much i needed her more than any other person in my life then. she was the only one who could not only understand me but listen to me and give me good advice that i often neglected. why is it that in small Singapore and in such a short span of time, the best friendship i ever had can peter off into nothing?

ok i shan't go on. i understand that corrie is the only one i can really lament because it just happened out of circumstance and that makes me struggle.

as much as i deny it, i'm losing faith. more than anything now, i desperately need Christian support. for so long, i've been denying so much for the sake of the cross, yet things have rather much taken a turn for a worse than for the better. i've been searching, searching for someone whom i could rally with. but smife is plagued with her own problems. alvin is bound by council commitments. after that...i don't know.

for too long, i've been relying on vernie and kai for emotional support and that they've provided abundantly. but everything that happened yesterday shook me to the core.

so, the social wheel turns again, and friends who were once bosom buddies now seem immeasurably distant, and the further reaches become nearer still. after too many cycles, i'm too weary to reach out for anyone again, fearful that these shifting social circles will revolve again.

falling flowers and drab skies
i feel the return to sec 2 again