had another spectacular date with kai last night. yay! i used the voucher i got with my samsung hp to have a dinner for two in a cable car [of course i would. $88 you know! save a lot of money ;)] before the voucher expired. my parents were supposed to use it but they weren't free and it expires at the end of aug, so my parents, being the cheapskate economically-savvy people that they are, insisted i take kai out with it :D

after finding our way to the cable car station at harbourfront [not too difficult, just look up] and hanging around mt. faber for a bit, we finally got started at around 650. kai and i were marvelling at how the waiters there masterfully slide the table, soup, cutlery and all, into the cable car. similarly, i swear they go through some course where they pour just enough water/soup/coffee/tea such that when the cable car rocks, it reaches the rim but never spills. amazing! and much appreciated too, because the tomato soup in particular was very, very special *yumyumyum*

the sky dining worked like this: they stick you into the car with the table and soup on the first round, go all the way to sentosa via harbourfront and back, then they take out your soup bowls, give you your main course and send you back on your way to sentosa and back. then they finally give you your dessert. it's all very efficient and lovely, except for when they get your order wrong and the cable car zips off into oblivion before they can get it right [which happened to some poor couple behind us] :X

of course, the obvious drawback of sky dining is that the cable cars don't have lights and they give you a nice glowy red latern but that's it. so kai and i couldn't see what the heck we were eating :P in faith, we plunged out fork into the sauced slab on our triangular plates and trusted that it was edible chicken, fish or the like. then we would wait until we reached a cable car tower and, for those brief moments, analyse our food before being sucked into darkness again. nonetheless, the food tasted very good, esp kai's cajun fish :D

the dessert was a delicious apple crumble that, for once, gave generously both apple and crumble, not lots of crumble and small cubes of apple. oh, and the strawberry in chocolate sauce. which i subsequently toyed with and made an embarrassment of myself with :S the coffee they gave was so-so, but that's the only blip on the night's menu [apparently kai's tea was good stuff].

since we were done around 840, we MRTed to clarke quay and lounged about at Jazz@SB. i finally got to try baileys, and realised why my dad kept asking me to give it a shot. it's like a melted frappe, nicely creamy and sweet :) after musing about how we would ask the waiter to give us "Sex on the Beach" and a "Blow Job", kai finally got a margarita. sour-salty stuff, which the bitter kick of alcohol. the music, as usual, was exceptional, with the added bonus of some lovely latin numbers. kai and i swapped drinks after a while since her stomach was going in circles. the baileys actually made kai feel better! proof that alcohol is good for you! we left at 1030 since kai had to be home. we'll sit through the whole night on prom night :)

there ends the most important event since i last blogged. oh yah, there was GP exam. it was fine :)

an epiphany in a day is enough to bamboozle a tired mind, but compound multiple epiphanies with startling revelations and one can only sit and stare in the feeling of complete realisation, and the acknowlegement of God's divine plan and hand at work.

for a moment, i felt a surge of anger because i couldn't bear to tolerate the hurt that's been caused. but i'm a historian, and the past is past. it'd be so much more productive to love the ones that have been hurt even more, and with that love, recompense somewhat the gaping wounds still healing.

the most crucial jigsaw piece in the conundrum of evelyn has finally been released from God's enclosed hand. strangely enough, it has nothing to do with evelyn yet everything to do with her all at once. yet again, the mysteries of God's plan seem to go in circuitous routes, but finally end up in a destination more beautiful than when we had first begun.

God has broken one of the shackles that has so tormented my spiritual walk to no end. the familiar of feeling of guilt and shame have been washed away by the blood of Jesus. Amen! by God's grace, i've been forgiven so easily the one whom i thought would find most difficulty in forgiving me; i've finally been able to forgive myself and accept my weakness, presenting it to God. with that, i can finally embrace myself the knowledge of God's forgiveness, without the devil casting more doubt and self-hatred on my life. i'm free!!!

i often make so much of my long, torturous road of relationships, but now that i've reached the final lap, all the struggles, the regret and the mistakes made seem completely worth it for this one chance: the chance to learn from all that i've gone through to make it good with kai. my folly has been to create a hero out of my love-life while neglecting why God had allowed it to happen to me in the first place. no more. for the first time in my life, i have a relationship that stands firmly on Christ the cornerstone, no more the stumbling block, and i will tell anyone who cares to ask that YES! it's worth it to suffer the refining process to come out with precious gold. we work on that long, winding but God-led road to marriage, kai and i, and in faith.

if anyone ever asks me why i spend 90min watching a pixellated screen with 22 men chasing a ball on a grassy field, watch this video, feel your jaw slacken and go running delirious around my room clutching your head going "holy crap! how the heck did he do that? holy crap!"

enjoy.

//edit i realised that this covers my tagboard quite a bit. i'll shift it down :) and my favourite is the clarence seedorf goal. unbeliveable!!!!!




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[yay!]

an entry to step aside from the perils of my emotional well-being to delve into some other stuff that i found interesting this week:

I.
corrie's leaving! so fast! time passes horribly quickly when your guard isn't up. i've hardly kept in contact of late, or even through the year. maybe it's one of those friendships that God makes to explode upon your life and make an irreversible change, then lets it peter off into memory. whatever it is, thank you for everything last year. God bless, and i hope to make it to see you off. have a good flight and enjoy the dream that God's carried you to.

II.
TSD has made me look at moments as 'theatre moments' and see the beauty in those little flashes of life that disappear as soon as they surface. ok, those aren't quite 'theatre moments', more like 'life moments'. before duos yesterday, there was a 'silent' duo preview with harris and imran. more like a duel really. harris taking the run up, bowling a lovely ball and imran hammering it away from the wicket with startling accuracy and force. against the wall, TSDians and albert watching slack-jawed, lining the stairs were students taking photos, videos, and equally in awe. that duel ingrained itself upon my mind as a vivd memory, though i don't quite know why yet. it was beautiful though :)

III.
we're an interesting country, Singapore. i was watching the numerous excavators unearth grass and soil alike with impunity along marina bay and wondering how we're numb to change. tell me a day that you don't see road works on a stretch of road that you distinctly remember being road-worked a year ago. or crane and vehicles tearing into virgin ground, pouring cement and piling metal to build yet another skyscraper, tunnel yet another MRT line. it's not a judgment, merely an observation. perhaps that creates our societal mindset, that everything should be fast, changing and now. perhaps that's why we're never a satisfied lot.

IV.
again, Singapore: why i don't like Singapore history. no, change that; i'm proud of our history as a nation. what i don't like is the spin that national education puts on it and how they drill into us. unknowingly, while everyone laughs NE off cynically, they don't realise how deeply the education has actually worked. we are taught to pride ourselves on our resilience - we bounced back from the japanese occupation, survived the rationing years, pulled through the 1997 economic crisis. we are a resilient nation., we are taught that efficiency is key - we are a small nation, our only resource is our people. we are taught the virtues of meritocracy - it is right to give our best the best, reward those with results. NE teaches us to rely on ourselves, that we can make history, that we create our own destiny. we are gods of our lives, and only by making ourselves tough and strong can we win the rat race that is in every part of life.

rubbish. no nation has crafted its own destiny, and unless Singapore can do that with a lasting impact of centuries, Singapore, too, will fail to do so. history teaches many things. one school of thought is that it is Great Men [and Women] who change the course of history. or maybe, like Marx, history is the result of class change and developments. whatever it is, we are in the hands of forces beyond our control, and relying on ourselves alone is merely going to lead to destruction. of course, i'm going to insist that it is the hand of God that guides this nation, but whether you're religious or not, it's reality, and i'm quite sure i can prove it to you. ok, i've gone roundabout with this thought. it just occured to me today anyway.

V.
"charity starts at home" - those words keep ringing in my ears. that's what this retired teacher at ngee ann primary's student care told me when i told her i wanted to help people. hm. i'll keep with that thought.

i couldn't sleep last night for reasons unknown to me, so i decided to skip the SAFOS High Tea and spend some time - more productively, i daresay - with my church friends. a nice horfun lunch and starbucks coffee, sandwiching a little expedition to settlers cafe to check it out. but now i've got a lot of things plaguing my confused mind.

bryan suddenly broke upon how val actually used to like me. i swear i almost choked on my winter melon tea. i haven't seen her for almost 2 years and everything's actually such a distant memory. apparently she was very coy abt it and simply let it run until i got together with evelyn. was shocking, but i think it was just a prelude for things to come.

a little thank you to valentia for sharing with me; i know you read my blog from time to time so yah, thank you *hug* perhaps unintentionally, as the conversation steered towards your sister, it opened up a huge can of unanswered questions and confusion that i'd stashed away because i didn't want to let them plague me. but i have to and want to confront them one day. like valentia said: "when someone breaks up with you without telling you why, it either leaves a big question mark or a lot of exclamation marks" haha... on hindsight, i think both reactions are likely, but the exclamation marks have twisted and turned into question marks now; a lot a lot of them.

ok isaac just shed a bit more light on the issue. thanks. i'm seriously very confused now. it's like a giant jigsaw puzzle i want to piece together because it will explain the failure of my 1.5 yr relationship; the problem is that i don't have the big picture at all, nor do i know if i have all the pieces since evelyn holds some of them still. bit by bit, the two bryans, valentia, isaac, little inputs from smife... perhaps one day i'll solve the mystery of one of the biggest heartaches of my life.

the truth is that i miss her. no, not as a girlfriend, because that was such a long time ago, and the r'ship was inherently flawed in many ways. but as a friend. and as someone i could talk to so easily abt anything. most important maybe is how i miss her as a memory, because those 1.5 years feel so non-existent. it's the historian in me kicking in again i'm sure, i just want to know everything so i can conclusively settle the matter. i've buried most of the ghosts of my time with her, but a lingering spectre still seems to haunt periodically.

in God's good time.

reading Romans 7 and 8 for a long-belated QT. "Struggling with Sin". haha. God likes to choose the pages i read when i come shame-faced back to my Bible after so long. perhaps it's about time that God decided to stick and twist. when i read Paul's writings, i feel as if it's my own voice dictating the words i'm reading; how he feels like someone of a double-life, one seeking God and the other trapped painfully in sin. how many times have i come to God, crying inside and asking for His forgiveness, only to lapse back again?

to top it off, i've messed up people's lives. i only need close my eyes and i shudder. "better to have a millstone hung around his neck"... i deserve worse than that i think. i wish my sin was limited to only affecting me, but no, i cause others to sin as well. even now, how many years on, i feel stunted in my Christian walk because i wonder if i've been forgiven by those that God loves, whom i've led astray. the day i can reconcile myself to the fact that i'm forgiven, i know i can walk free spiritually again; but now, it's still a battle with the guilt, heightened by my own failings.

stumbling upon some of wanlin's online accts made me reflect even more. i wonder abt evelyn. i rmbr countless incidents where i let my selfishness override godly love, my petulance masking God's patience, pursuing my desires while deaf to God's. for how long did God watch and cry? evelyn's fleeting appearances in church...i feel in some part responsible. or is it some cunning lie to sting my spirit? at least i know wanlin is walking close to the Lord, as kim tells me. it's heartening and guilt-cleansing.

and for my multiple blemishes on my relationships record that are enough to force me into eternal hiding doubly over, God is startlingly merciful and trusts me now with kai. at times, it's tempting to take it for granted, but God has sent her in spite of myself rather than because of me. that she now acknowledges Jesus as her personal Saviour is a greater testament of God's faithfulness and grand design, not my depth of my faith and devotion. even as she draws closer to God with every passing day, i seem to plod with halting steps in my own walk.

the memories of relationships past seem to hit fresh tonight. i sit here and rmbr the last 6 months with kai. i know what we have is so deep and filled with so much love because it is God who blesses us and nourishes us spiritually, and His love is supreme, not either of us. then i look again at those memories and shudder with the fear that my selfishness will deface the beauty of this relationship that i'm revelling in so immensely, indulgently almost.

a call to faith perhaps, that God will smash my weaknesses in His indescribable greatness [You are amazing, God]. God of wonders. trust and obey. it's these times when all these familiar songs reverberate happily in my confused mind, illiciting a smile. i love you, God, and i don't want to let you go again.

tell me how do you say 'i love you'
could you show me the way that you came
if he knocked on your door, would it open
can you hear what God wants to say

he loves you always
even if you don't love him today

reading kai's post has made me reflect a bit painfully and regretfully.

reading abt how her parents never give her what she wants and scold her for making requests, i feel rather bad knowing that, while i'm not necessarily a demanding child, i'm blessed to be born where i am.

for one, my parents have never made me want to feel like they don't provide for me. i look around my room, and they've soundproofed it for my drums, got me a fancy speaker set since i love music and even my happy purple office chair because the hydraulics for my other one broke. all this without me asking. i always joke about my parents being cheapskate and looking for sales, and never even going shopping in the first place, but it's an embarrassing reminder that every cent they scrimp and save for, they spend lavishly on my siblings and me.

even more embarassingly, i still catch myself making demands that are reasonable but not urgent nor necessary. i asked for a printer in my room so that i can avoid the stress of running up and down stairs frantically to print my stuff in the study [a la TSD journal]. ok, it's a reasonable demand but i don't have to have it. i'm making my parents spend more on me for a minor convenience. just like many things else really. computer graphics card. new clothes. bleagh. i feel like an awful child just thinking through everything.

the worst part is that i have very sharp definitions of what i want and how i want them to be. i love my room to be organised the way i organised it and everything to be in an order that is very specific to me. that's normal i guess, everyone wants to know where their stuff is, esp before an exam. but that always gets me into a very nasty quarrel with my mum , who loves to reorganise, rearrange and basically mess up everything that i've so painstakingly put together. and she's destroyed a lot of my other treasures too, like my wooden models that broke because she insisted on packing them her way or putting my soft toys in the washing machine.

it's strange how it still hurts, but stranger still how i feel horribly guilty abt wanting to insist on what i've been sometimes told is a basic right. how do i ask more from a parent who's spent so much on me and made sure everything in my life is provided for? they don't place confidence in their material gifts to me, that's for sure, but it has the natural reaction of making me feel bad abt asking for the intangible things that i really, really want.

argh. silly things will be sorted out in time. God knows where every child is born and puts him/her there exactly.

there arrives a moment, when my words seem to catch the chill and hang frozen in midair; their unwitting poignancy so sharp it catches me by surprise, as if watching foreign lips utter profound sermons that minister only to me. and while the world totters on, i grind to a halt and ponder, realising that my life is rather priviliged after all.

kai's parents exercising noose-rein again, but i believe that the current tightening will only loosen the cords in future. and even if not, it's something i've promised to live with. i can scarcely believe it's more than 6 months. and tomorrow, i return to where it all began in the first place: kai's house. where i foolhardily expressed my heart. that sleepless night pacing around. and vernie there to offer silent comfort. relived in a few hours time.

there comes a point in everyone's life when they realise that grades don't matter. not just saying it out of habit/anti-establishment sentiments/etc. but that deep reverberation that declares: THERE ARE GREATER TREASURES IN LIFE. perhaps that voice is tellingly absent in the Singapore psyche, or would it be too callous to generalise people of a nation with a mishmash culture? regardless, when that moment sinks into the mind, it either transforms you towards a renewed meaning in life, or forces a reinjection of social anaesthesia. sorrowfully, the response of often the latter.

why am i being so pretensiously philosophical today? i have decided that copious use of imran-language will make me look intelligent, like Larry from The Iceman Cometh. humanity and the tragic flaw. hm.

time, i've been passing time
watching trains go by
lying on the sand watching seabirds fly
wishing there could be someone
waiting home for me

something's telling me it might be you
it's telling me it might be you
all of my life

looking back as lovers go walking past
all of my life
wondering how they met and what makes it last
if i found the place
would i recognise the face?

something's telling me it might be you
yeah, it's telling me it might be you

...

i've been saving love songs and lullabies
and there's so much more
no-one's ever heard before

something's telling me it might be you
yeah, it's telling me it must be you
i'm feeling it'll just be you
all of my life

oh dear.

i decided to help kai look into the courses offered by NUS for Theatre Studies and couldn't resist taking a peek at the History modules they offer there. sigh. it was as if scrolling past every module made my brain more and more clouded... :( it's not as if i haven't seen the list before; i made a cursory glance at it before going to SMU. but now, the words on the page seem to scream out a bit louder each time, more than ever before: "industrialisation", "European war", "involving political, economic and social factors"...

perhaps coincidentally, i've been having happy memories of my childhood days; while my friends were raving about their Star Wars Fan Fiction or Tom Clancy, i pored over countless history books, from my brother's Sec 1 and Sec 2 Social Studies textbooks to "A History of the 20th Century". skipping through my unhappy years in secondary school, my filing process has let me revisit my old notes, particularly those on Modern European History, which have and always will be my favourite academic subject. somehow, my fluctuating grades have never taken the gloss off the beauty of European politics, from the time of the Greek city states to the rise of Imperial Germany.

everything about history is...beautiful. it's like a story, but enacted in real-life. there are villains like Emperor Nero who can conjure up more hate than any Shakespearan baddie. there are heroes who inspire more than any of Aesop's fables, like my favourite statesman, Winston Churchill.

it's not that SMU or the Social Science course they offer is any less appealing. if, as is likely i will if i go there, do political science, i'll be dealing with modern world history, particularly of the 20th century. i can study the development of communist China, capitalist America and the whole lot. it's not broing by any means. but suddenly, history seems like enough of a reason to go to NUS, no matter how poor the college is in comparison to SMU.

sigh. thankfully i still have time to decide, because right now, i'm all befuddled :(