perhaps my penchant for history is kicking in with extra force, but it's amazing how i can be so emotionally affected by an incident which i've not actually witnessed. it's like research, where you dig up the clues from various sources with different viewpoints and reach a balanced conclusion. except that i'm just more confused now.

i've talked to juniors. i've heard quite a lot from the seniors. and i've been imagining what chaos it must have been in my head. and if it's that messy in my imagination, i'm glad i wasn't witness to it. i'm not going to take sides. i think my batch said what they wanted to say, be it with tact and sensitivity or otherwise. and i think the juniors had a right to feel aggrieved. maybe that's why i've been rounding their blogs, tagging. or wondering how to cheer pple up, senior and junior alike. i just feel like i have to do something, because my heart aches if i don't.

perhaps it's inherently selfish to feel that way, since i've grown to love my batchmates over the course of our 1.5 yrs of TSD but also come to love the juniors through working with them this year. i don't know. how do i tread on a line that doesn't even seem to exist?

one thing i know is that i want to relinquish TSD after my final performance this sunday. i'll always rmbr TSD for bringing me kai and vernie, for groopeas, for my multitude of friends that i've made. for pulling me out of my self-pity over evelyn. lots of things. but it has also broken my heart over a lot of things as well, and, perhaps as the junior batch must surely be feeling now, a wash of bittersweet.

i just want to give my family and friends something to be proud of on sunday, then no more. i'll still act in church, still support kai if she pursues a theatre career, but for me, theatre from sunday on is dead in me. there is simply too much blunt emotion. an impossible balance between 'niceness' and 'ruthlessness'. everything is so fleeting in theatre, like every moment that passes, then it's gone.

it just warms my heart to see the juniors rally around each other, even if it is against the senior batch. it's these bonds that are most impt in TSD, more than anything else. and i want to give Lofty a fitting farewell, not a ragtag bunch of squabbling juveniles who have learned nothing from a course as demanding as TSD.

and that is my through-line for the final hurrah before the curtain closes once and for all.