an innermost sanctum :: [the incubator]

For Want of a Blog

2007-08-18T13:44:00.000+08:00

I decided to pop by my dear old blog (i.e. this fella here) and found it in such a derelict state. Out-dated links to friends blogs, the decorations all expired (I think I didn't maintain my villagephoto.com acct) and an altogther sorry mess. So, here comes a nice new template (courtesy of blogger, no less) and new post and...

No more. Haha. I have better things to do than to maintain a public blog XD

If you have nothing better to do than to scour the web for my presence, I propose alternatives! :

- add me on facebook. I promise to be as reclusive and grumpy as ever :) but i'll try to say hello from time to time because I like feeling popular.
- if you're half-serious about talking to me, use kai's blog as a proxy to talk to me via her tagboard (she'll kill me for this)
- if you're really serious about talking to me, drop me an email (gmail acct please!) and I won't be as hermit-like, I assure you.
- if you really have nothing else to do, search for my blog :D it actually exists!

2006-12-25T01:04:00.000+08:00

Heart of my own heart whatever befall
Still be my vision oh Ruler of all

2006-09-06T01:29:00.000+08:00

here goes the last post on my blog!

i don't presume i'll see too many shocked, alarmed faces since not a lot of people read this in any case. which is possibly one reason why i'll shut this place down [but if i made that my only reason i suppose i'm an attention-seeking bugger :p]

been thinking abt it for a while. i just don't see the need to blog anymore. to express my feelings, i can easily turn to my Bible journal [which i should be doing more often]. i love writing there, without having to worry if it'll interest anybody or if i'm being coherent. i read it, God sees what i write and kai has the occasional glance at it. and that's all that's impt. there's no need to blog to say smth.

second, and imptly, i'm in love. other than God, kai sees me near-perfectly. i've never had to hide anything from her. she makes my heart race everytime i see her, even after all these months, after all those embarrassing moments. don't ask me why this is going to make me close my blog, but i find it a major factor *shrug* it's just that feeling when love songs are playing or i sing with my guitar or dream of dancing away with her that i cling that to what is impt to me and change my perspective on everything.

also, i'd rather keep in contact with the people i love personally rather than through such a murky medium as this is. kai, obviously. precious schoolmates like vernie, saif, the groopeas and all, i'd love to talk to personally, email or sms. kimkangsmife somehow warrant more than just a blog entry to know abt the going-ons in my life. churchmates, needless to say, Sundays and all are great times to talk. dearest corrie is overseas, will email her instead. since no-one reads my blog to find out much, i'd rather spend my blogging time more productively.

finally, i'm just bored of blogging. i resisted it for so long. now i find it's lost its novelty. i only started because i was going through the whole teeny-emo thing: lost, needing to vent, fallen head-over-heels in a crush and simply wanting to be part of the crowd. i've finally [re-]found direction; my journal and prayer are my outlets for venting; my crush is a great friend and i've discovered what real love is; God has shown me that i'm special for Him.

may revert back to my mysterious pseudo-selfblog that noone actually knows abt and not really a blog in the first place. i'll see. for any stray friend seeing this, can just strike me off your plugs/friends/etc list :) for those i don't meet often, just drop me an SMS to keep in contact or an email; both will be much appreciated. erm. what else? yah, just love all my friends, God bless and remember to smile because God loves you, believer or not, and is a great God, amen? XD

"...of a scarlet rose among the lilies"

2006-08-30T11:05:00.000+08:00

had another spectacular date with kai last night. yay! i used the voucher i got with my samsung hp to have a dinner for two in a cable car [of course i would. $88 you know! save a lot of money ;)] before the voucher expired. my parents were supposed to use it but they weren't free and it expires at the end of aug, so my parents, being the ~~cheapskate~~ economically-savvy people that they are, insisted i take kai out with it :D

after finding our way to the cable car station at harbourfront [not too difficult, just look up] and hanging around mt. faber for a bit, we finally got started at around 650. kai and i were marvelling at how the waiters there masterfully slide the table, soup, cutlery and all, into the cable car. similarly, i swear they go through some course where they pour just enough water/soup/coffee/tea such that when the cable car rocks, it reaches the rim but never spills. amazing! and much appreciated too, because the tomato soup in particular was very, very special *yumyumyum*

the sky dining worked like this: they stick you into the car with the table and soup on the first round, go all the way to sentosa via harbourfront and back, then they take out your soup bowls, give you your main course and send you back on your way to sentosa and back. then they finally give you your dessert. it's all very efficient and lovely, except for when they get your order wrong and the cable car zips off into oblivion before they can get it right [which happened to some poor couple behind us] :X

of course, the obvious drawback of sky dining is that the cable cars don't have lights and they give you a nice glowy red latern but that's it. so kai and i couldn't see what the heck we were eating :P in faith, we plunged out fork into the sauced slab on our triangular plates and trusted that it was edible chicken, fish or the like. then we would wait until we reached a cable car tower and, for those brief moments, analyse our food before being sucked into darkness again. nonetheless, the food tasted very good, esp kai's cajun fish :D

the dessert was a delicious apple crumble that, for once, gave generously both apple and crumble, not lots of crumble and small cubes of apple. oh, and the strawberry in chocolate sauce. which i subsequently toyed with and made an embarrassment of myself with :S the coffee they gave was so-so, but that's the only blip on the night's menu [apparently kai's tea was good stuff].

since we were done around 840, we MRTed to clarke quay and lounged about at Jazz@SB. i finally got to try baileys, and realised why my dad kept asking me to give it a shot. it's like a melted frappe, nicely creamy and sweet :) after musing about how we would ask the waiter to give us "Sex on the Beach" and a "Blow Job", kai finally got a margarita. sour-salty stuff, which the bitter kick of alcohol. the music, as usual, was exceptional, with the added bonus of some lovely latin numbers. kai and i swapped drinks after a while since her stomach was going in circles. the baileys actually made kai feel better! ~~proof that alcohol is good for you!~~ we left at 1030 since kai had to be home. we'll sit through the whole night on prom night :)

there ends the most important event since i last blogged. oh yah, there was GP exam. it was fine :)

2006-08-23T23:43:00.000+08:00

an epiphany in a day is enough to bamboozle a tired mind, but compound multiple epiphanies with startling revelations and one can only sit and stare in the feeling of complete realisation, and the acknowlegement of God's divine plan and hand at work.

for a moment, i felt a surge of anger because i couldn't bear to tolerate the hurt that's been caused. but i'm a historian, and the past is past. it'd be so much more productive to love the ones that have been hurt even more, and with that love, recompense somewhat the gaping wounds still healing.

the most crucial jigsaw piece in the conundrum of evelyn has finally been released from God's enclosed hand. strangely enough, it has nothing to do with evelyn yet everything to do with her all at once. yet again, the mysteries of God's plan seem to go in circuitous routes, but finally end up in a destination more beautiful than when we had first begun.

God has broken one of the shackles that has so tormented my spiritual walk to no end. the familiar of feeling of guilt and shame have been washed away by the blood of Jesus. Amen! by God's grace, i've been forgiven so easily the one whom i thought would find most difficulty in forgiving me; i've finally been able to forgive myself and accept my weakness, presenting it to God. with that, i can finally embrace myself the knowledge of God's forgiveness, without the devil casting more doubt and self-hatred on my life. i'm free!!!

i often make so much of my long, torturous road of relationships, but now that i've reached the final lap, all the struggles, the regret and the mistakes made seem completely worth it for this one chance: the chance to learn from all that i've gone through to make it good with kai. my folly has been to create a hero out of my love-life while neglecting why God had allowed it to happen to me in the first place. no more. for the first time in my life, i have a relationship that stands firmly on Christ the cornerstone, no more the stumbling block, and i will tell anyone who cares to ask that YES! it's worth it to suffer the refining process to come out with precious gold. we work on that long, winding but God-led road to marriage, kai and i, and in faith.

2006-08-22T00:13:00.000+08:00

if anyone ever asks me why i spend 90min watching a pixellated screen with 22 men chasing a ball on a grassy field, watch this video, feel your jaw slacken and go running delirious around my room clutching your head going "holy crap! how the heck did he do that? holy crap!"

enjoy.

//edit i realised that this covers my tagboard quite a bit. i'll shift it down :) and my favourite is the clarence seedorf goal. unbeliveable!!!!!

[empty]

[more empty space]

[ditto]

[almost there]

[yay!]

2006-08-19T19:24:00.000+08:00

an entry to step aside from the perils of my emotional well-being to delve into some other stuff that i found interesting this week:

I.
corrie's leaving! so fast! time passes horribly quickly when your guard isn't up. i've hardly kept in contact of late, or even through the year. maybe it's one of those friendships that God makes to explode upon your life and make an irreversible change, then lets it peter off into memory. whatever it is, thank you for everything last year. God bless, and i hope to make it to see you off. have a good flight and enjoy the dream that God's carried you to.

II.
TSD has made me look at moments as 'theatre moments' and see the beauty in those little flashes of life that disappear as soon as they surface. ok, those aren't quite 'theatre moments', more like 'life moments'. before duos yesterday, there was a 'silent' duo preview with harris and imran. more like a duel really. harris taking the run up, bowling a lovely ball and imran hammering it away from the wicket with startling accuracy and force. against the wall, TSDians and albert watching slack-jawed, lining the stairs were students taking photos, videos, and equally in awe. that duel ingrained itself upon my mind as a vivd memory, though i don't quite know why yet. it was beautiful though :)

III.
we're an interesting country, Singapore. i was watching the numerous excavators unearth grass and soil alike with impunity along marina bay and wondering how we're numb to change. tell me a day that you don't see road works on a stretch of road that you distinctly remember being road-worked a year ago. or crane and vehicles tearing into virgin ground, pouring cement and piling metal to build yet another skyscraper, tunnel yet another MRT line. it's not a judgment, merely an observation. perhaps that creates our societal mindset, that everything should be fast, changing and now. perhaps that's why we're never a satisfied lot.

IV.
again, Singapore: why i don't like Singapore history. no, change that; i'm proud of our history as a nation. what i don't like is the spin that national education puts on it and how they drill into us. unknowingly, while everyone laughs NE off cynically, they don't realise how deeply the education has actually worked. we are taught to pride ourselves on our resilience - we bounced back from the japanese occupation, survived the rationing years, pulled through the 1997 economic crisis. we are a resilient nation., we are taught that efficiency is key - we are a small nation, our only resource is our people. we are taught the virtues of meritocracy - it is right to give our best the best, reward those with results. NE teaches us to rely on ourselves, that we can make history, that we create our own destiny. we are gods of our lives, and only by making ourselves tough and strong can we win the rat race that is in every part of life.

rubbish. no nation has crafted its own destiny, and unless Singapore can do that with a lasting impact of centuries, Singapore, too, will fail to do so. history teaches many things. one school of thought is that it is Great Men [and Women] who change the course of history. or maybe, like Marx, history is the result of class change and developments. whatever it is, we are in the hands of forces beyond our control, and relying on ourselves alone is merely going to lead to destruction. of course, i'm going to insist that it is the hand of God that guides this nation, but whether you're religious or not, it's reality, and i'm quite sure i can prove it to you. ok, i've gone roundabout with this thought. it just occured to me today anyway.

V.
"charity starts at home" - those words keep ringing in my ears. that's what this retired teacher at ngee ann primary's student care told me when i told her i wanted to help people. hm. i'll keep with that thought.

2006-08-13T16:05:00.000+08:00

i couldn't sleep last night for reasons unknown to me, so i decided to skip the SAFOS High Tea and spend some time - more productively, i daresay - with my church friends. a nice horfun lunch and starbucks coffee, sandwiching a little expedition to settlers cafe to check it out. but now i've got a lot of things plaguing my confused mind.

bryan suddenly broke upon how val actually used to like me. i swear i almost choked on my winter melon tea. i haven't seen her for almost 2 years and everything's actually such a distant memory. apparently she was very coy abt it and simply let it run until i got together with evelyn. was shocking, but i think it was just a prelude for things to come.

a little thank you to valentia for sharing with me; i know you read my blog from time to time so yah, thank you *hug* perhaps unintentionally, as the conversation steered towards your sister, it opened up a huge can of unanswered questions and confusion that i'd stashed away because i didn't want to let them plague me. but i have to and want to confront them one day. like valentia said: "when someone breaks up with you without telling you why, it either leaves a big question mark or a lot of exclamation marks" haha... on hindsight, i think both reactions are likely, but the exclamation marks have twisted and turned into question marks now; a lot a lot of them.

ok isaac just shed a bit more light on the issue. thanks. i'm seriously very confused now. it's like a giant jigsaw puzzle i want to piece together because it will explain the failure of my 1.5 yr relationship; the problem is that i don't have the big picture at all, nor do i know if i have all the pieces since evelyn holds some of them still. bit by bit, the two bryans, valentia, isaac, little inputs from smife... perhaps one day i'll solve the mystery of one of the biggest heartaches of my life.

the truth is that i miss her. no, not as a girlfriend, because that was such a long time ago, and the r'ship was inherently flawed in many ways. but as a friend. and as someone i could talk to so easily abt anything. most important maybe is how i miss her as a memory, because those 1.5 years feel so non-existent. it's the historian in me kicking in again i'm sure, i just want to know everything so i can conclusively settle the matter. i've buried most of the ghosts of my time with her, but a lingering spectre still seems to haunt periodically.

in God's good time.

2006-08-12T01:55:00.000+08:00

reading Romans 7 and 8 for a long-belated QT. "Struggling with Sin". haha. God likes to choose the pages i read when i come shame-faced back to my Bible after so long. perhaps it's about time that God decided to stick and twist. when i read Paul's writings, i feel as if it's my own voice dictating the words i'm reading; how he feels like someone of a double-life, one seeking God and the other trapped painfully in sin. how many times have i come to God, crying inside and asking for His forgiveness, only to lapse back again?

to top it off, i've messed up people's lives. i only need close my eyes and i shudder. "better to have a millstone hung around his neck"... i deserve worse than that i think. i wish my sin was limited to only affecting me, but no, i cause others to sin as well. even now, how many years on, i feel stunted in my Christian walk because i wonder if i've been forgiven by those that God loves, whom i've led astray. the day i can reconcile myself to the fact that i'm forgiven, i know i can walk free spiritually again; but now, it's still a battle with the guilt, heightened by my own failings.

stumbling upon some of wanlin's online accts made me reflect even more. i wonder abt evelyn. i rmbr countless incidents where i let my selfishness override godly love, my petulance masking God's patience, pursuing my desires while deaf to God's. for how long did God watch and cry? evelyn's fleeting appearances in church...i feel in some part responsible. or is it some cunning lie to sting my spirit? at least i know wanlin is walking close to the Lord, as kim tells me. it's heartening and guilt-cleansing.

and for my multiple blemishes on my relationships record that are enough to force me into eternal hiding doubly over, God is startlingly merciful and trusts me now with kai. at times, it's tempting to take it for granted, but God has sent her in spite of myself rather than because of me. that she now acknowledges Jesus as her personal Saviour is a greater testament of God's faithfulness and grand design, not my depth of my faith and devotion. even as she draws closer to God with every passing day, i seem to plod with halting steps in my own walk.

the memories of relationships past seem to hit fresh tonight. i sit here and rmbr the last 6 months with kai. i know what we have is so deep and filled with so much love because it is God who blesses us and nourishes us spiritually, and His love is supreme, not either of us. then i look again at those memories and shudder with the fear that my selfishness will deface the beauty of this relationship that i'm revelling in so immensely, indulgently almost.

a call to faith perhaps, that God will smash my weaknesses in His indescribable greatness [You are amazing, God]. God of wonders. trust and obey. it's these times when all these familiar songs reverberate happily in my confused mind, illiciting a smile. i love you, God, and i don't want to let you go again.

tell me how do you say 'i love you'
could you show me the way that you came
if he knocked on your door, would it open
can you hear what God wants to say

he loves you always
even if you don't love him today

2006-08-11T10:30:00.000+08:00

reading kai's post has made me reflect a bit painfully and regretfully.

reading abt how her parents never give her what she wants and scold her for making requests, i feel rather bad knowing that, while i'm not necessarily a demanding child, i'm blessed to be born where i am.

for one, my parents have never made me want to feel like they don't provide for me. i look around my room, and they've soundproofed it for my drums, got me a fancy speaker set since i love music and even my happy purple office chair because the hydraulics for my other one broke. all this without me asking. i always joke about my parents being cheapskate and looking for sales, and never even going shopping in the first place, but it's an embarrassing reminder that every cent they scrimp and save for, they spend lavishly on my siblings and me.

even more embarassingly, i still catch myself making demands that are reasonable but not urgent nor necessary. i asked for a printer in my room so that i can avoid the stress of running up and down stairs frantically to print my stuff in the study [a la TSD journal]. ok, it's a reasonable demand but i don't have to have it. i'm making my parents spend more on me for a minor convenience. just like many things else really. computer graphics card. new clothes. bleagh. i feel like an awful child just thinking through everything.

the worst part is that i have very sharp definitions of what i want and how i want them to be. i love my room to be organised the way i organised it and everything to be in an order that is very specific to me. that's normal i guess, everyone wants to know where their stuff is, esp before an exam. but that always gets me into a very nasty quarrel with my mum , who loves to reorganise, rearrange and basically mess up everything that i've so painstakingly put together. and she's destroyed a lot of my other treasures too, like my wooden models that broke because she insisted on packing them her way or putting my soft toys in the washing machine.

it's strange how it still hurts, but stranger still how i feel horribly guilty abt wanting to insist on what i've been sometimes told is a basic right. how do i ask more from a parent who's spent so much on me and made sure everything in my life is provided for? they don't place confidence in their material gifts to me, that's for sure, but it has the natural reaction of making me feel bad abt asking for the intangible things that i really, really want.

argh. silly things will be sorted out in time. God knows where every child is born and puts him/her there exactly.

2006-08-08T01:07:00.000+08:00

there arrives a moment, when my words seem to catch the chill and hang frozen in midair; their unwitting poignancy so sharp it catches me by surprise, as if watching foreign lips utter profound sermons that minister only to me. and while the world totters on, i grind to a halt and ponder, realising that my life is rather priviliged after all.

kai's parents exercising noose-rein again, but i believe that the current tightening will only loosen the cords in future. and even if not, it's something i've promised to live with. i can scarcely believe it's more than 6 months. and tomorrow, i return to where it all began in the first place: kai's house. where i foolhardily expressed my heart. that sleepless night pacing around. and vernie there to offer silent comfort. relived in a few hours time.

there comes a point in everyone's life when they realise that grades don't matter. not just saying it out of habit/anti-establishment sentiments/etc. but that deep reverberation that declares: THERE ARE GREATER TREASURES IN LIFE. perhaps that voice is tellingly absent in the Singapore psyche, or would it be too callous to generalise people of a nation with a mishmash culture? regardless, when that moment sinks into the mind, it either transforms you towards a renewed meaning in life, or forces a reinjection of social anaesthesia. sorrowfully, the response of often the latter.

why am i being so pretensiously philosophical today? i have decided that copious use of imran-language will make me look intelligent, like Larry from The Iceman Cometh. humanity and the tragic flaw. hm.

2006-08-06T00:04:00.000+08:00

time, i've been passing time
watching trains go by
lying on the sand watching seabirds fly
wishing there could be someone
waiting home for me

something's telling me it might be you
it's telling me it might be you
all of my life

looking back as lovers go walking past
all of my life
wondering how they met and what makes it last
if i found the place
would i recognise the face?

something's telling me it might be you
yeah, it's telling me it might be you

...

i've been saving love songs and lullabies
and there's so much more
no-one's ever heard before

something's telling me it might be you
yeah, it's telling me it must be you
i'm feeling it'll just be you
all of my life

2006-08-01T19:08:00.000+08:00

oh dear.

i decided to help kai look into the courses offered by NUS for Theatre Studies and couldn't resist taking a peek at the History modules they offer there. sigh. it was as if scrolling past every module made my brain more and more clouded... :( it's not as if i haven't seen the list before; i made a cursory glance at it before going to SMU. but now, the words on the page seem to scream out a bit louder each time, more than ever before: "industrialisation", "European war", "involving political, economic and social factors"...

perhaps coincidentally, i've been having happy memories of my childhood days; while my friends were raving about their Star Wars Fan Fiction or Tom Clancy, i pored over countless history books, from my brother's Sec 1 and Sec 2 Social Studies textbooks to "A History of the 20th Century". skipping through my unhappy years in secondary school, my filing process has let me revisit my old notes, particularly those on Modern European History, which have and always will be my favourite academic subject. somehow, my fluctuating grades have never taken the gloss off the beauty of European politics, from the time of the Greek city states to the rise of Imperial Germany.

everything about history is...beautiful. it's like a story, but enacted in real-life. there are villains like Emperor Nero who can conjure up more hate than any Shakespearan baddie. there are heroes who inspire more than any of Aesop's fables, like my favourite statesman, Winston Churchill.

it's not that SMU or the Social Science course they offer is any less appealing. if, as is likely i will if i go there, do political science, i'll be dealing with modern world history, particularly of the 20th century. i can study the development of communist China, capitalist America and the whole lot. it's not broing by any means. but suddenly, history seems like enough of a reason to go to NUS, no matter how poor the college is in comparison to SMU.

sigh. thankfully i still have time to decide, because right now, i'm all befuddled :(

2006-07-30T19:00:00.000+08:00

i've decided finally that SMU it will be. the allure of NUS has long diminished, and my pipe-dream of Canada fades even more remotely away with each passing day. that means i'll be staying in Singapore, contrary to my expectations of years past. princess is right: i've always been the type to be rooted to where i am and enjoy my surroundings no matter how absurdly [including my love-hate of Singapore]. it was funny how i was watching trees and lamp-posts whizz by on the bus back from bugis and thinking to myself, 'So, i'll be here for another 4 more years at least; seeing the same trees and lamp-posts, watching my favourite haunts evolve with the face of Singapore...'

i have such a long list of reasons for staying, but perhaps few are more integral than the fact that i know i'll be going overseas for full-time missions in the end. i'm not going to be the disappearing child of my family and i'll stay with them while i still can.

sigh. i have so many thoughts in my head but no words or will to express them.

2006-07-28T21:00:00.000+08:00

maybe fergie isn't gonna miss you and the fans are gonna stop chanting your name after the first few games. but you were always my idol poacher, the goal-getter from nowhere and a player i always looked forward to seeing on the pitch. for your 150 goals. for that impossible goal that curled in from the bye-line. for that omnipotence in the box and the amazing ability to break the offside trap. for all your lack of athleticism, tricks and attractiveness, you were one helluva a football player. i'm gonna miss you ruudy. i'll wear your jersey proudly.

the sale of van Nistelrooy aside, today was a pretty good day. i got back a european history essay: 18/22 from edna tan!!! the highest ever. whee! and 22/25 for Int'l History SBQ, which is an L6. i've never felt so reassured by my grades in JC. to top it all off, i enjoyed the half-day with girlfriend and vernie, first by getting mr young's prezzie then heading down to thai noodle house, which vernie enjoyed methinks. it's good to enjoy time off with the two best people to happen to me in college :)

i played a good game of football with the kids at ngee ann primary, but acquired a good deal of blisters in the process. twas a timely change of plan, seeing how my brain wasn't actually in the frame to tackle any more math problems which i'm sure i'd subsequently screw up. after that, i headed down for a brief hello at dax young's place, which exudes bachelor. i missed most of the fun, but it was good to be with my class, who've made my time in college [which is coming to an end] a lot more enjoyable than my sec school in *ugh* VS. hooray for A52!

the major blip in the day was how my expedition to funan ended in failure, because civilization iv: warlords isn't out yet *sad pout*

oh, i was also extremely cheesed off [read: fuming/oozing with rage/etc] by something that i was told happened. one does not, in any measure, pedestal oneself above one's peers, especially when one has an output that sucks so bad, it could vacuum clean 24hrs. i know i should calm down, be forgiving and what-not, but this is outrageous! gr. i have no respect for that person whatsoever.

ok, self-righteous outburst over. the day continues into evening with normalcy.

2006-07-27T21:12:00.000+08:00

curses. the last post i was typing closed upon itself because my clumsy fingers accidentally pressed something somewhere and now the post is lost forever in the deep recesses of cyberspace. joy. i thought the same happened to my previous post but somehow blogger.com managed to save it despite their absolute malfunction when i was trying to publish it. hooray for technology, boon of our lives and saviour of the world.

ok mike, you're seriously deranged.

today was a regular thursday in any case, with my mental faculties at the start of the day in prime condition and ending with the capacity of about a two-yr-old. my day only starts proper after 1245, if one dismisses the incongruous econs tutorial in the morning, and carries on into the late afternoon.

history lecture today was exceptionally boring, because edna tan was trying to rush through the notes, meaning she not only read off the notes, but skimmed through the points haphazardly as well. history s brightened my day as always, with sayers covering the nature of the superpowers. then came cook and his ominous econs lessons. our displacement by some upstart JC1 Physics H3 class meant that poor us had to squeeze into an under-sized container classroom. so now, half my butt is hurting because i had to share a table and chair with left-handed george on my left. waha. to make matters worst, mr cook outdid himself and managed to cover half the lesson in 2.5 hrs, with the lesson ending promptly at 6pm.

so, 6pm. i briefly adios-ed princess off to dinner, had a nice chat with george and tash and ended up at yoshi in PP for dinner and study. well, i had dinner, but there were too many distractions to study. i saw a lesbian couple snogging in the hidden corner of yoshi, then "you're beautiful" and "bad day" played simultaneously [i don't know whether to laugh or cry whenever i hear james blunt's infamous guit riff]. to make matters worse, my brain refused to assimilate what little of the virtues of Theory of Income Determination and Employment i was trying to absorb. saturation, i think.

i decided to stroll around PP for half an hour and watched people read books in MPH, admire the way water sploshes about in the fountain and lose myself in the urban crowd that defines singapore. i finally sat myself at starbucks to sip a java chip frap, watching pedestrians jaywalk while actually understanding Keynesian income theory.

on that note, i feel a strange mix of absurdity and disbelief as i see myself transform magically from a toad into a muggertoad [sorry, inside joke]. it's as if the virtues of singapore society have ingrained themselves into my thick skull and i'm beginning to appreciate the beauty of burying my head int notes and books.

well, not really actually. i don't ever feel like i'm studying, maybe except for today. i enjoy understanding econs and history, because i find the thought-process and analytical skills involved very useful and practical. and i like the subject matter [esp for history] too. that helps. pity i'll be giving history up as an academic subject in uni :(

sidenote: i have the strangest studying techniques. if you ever catch me studying for more than 15min at a time, i've either fallen asleep and you have't noticed, or you're looking at the wrong person. i flip through my notes on market structures for about 5min, look around and watch grass grow, take a walk to the toilet, come back, sit down and read for another 5-10min before analysing the coffee stains on the table for another 5min. fine, fine, castigate me for my sheer attention deficit, but i can't sit down and mug! life is too interesting and distracting, and it'd be such a pity to miss all that because you have to spend 3hrs of your life being tested on stuff you'll never need to rmbr again. anyway, distraction helps your mind focus. or for me at least. argh. i'm weird.

AH. it's 945 already. kai called, so i was momentarily distracted for a while [ah yes, one of the few distractions that i cannot handle well with studying]. and i need to shower and sleep because methinks i'm running on a sleep deficit. random shoutout to ling and saiful, my fellow cheapskates! love you guys! ok that was very random. like my humpty dumpty drawing on my econs notes. ARGH. ok. sleep. sleep sleep sleep.

2006-07-24T23:22:00.000+08:00

how much do i give? a little? a lot? just enough? and what defines 'just enough' anyway? i've never been sure, and especially not now.

when you called, you were utterly irresistable. whenever i've wavered, faltered or hesistated, you've come straight away to reassure me i'm on the right track. it's not always been the way for most things, but you've left me in no uncertain terms where my path leads.

but you've given me but the finish line in sight without the road map. i expected obstacles, i just don't know if i'm ready to handle them. sometimes i don't even know if those are real obstacles in the distance or figments of my imaginative fear. perhaps a combination of both. i want to curl up in confused tears but you remind me to keep running, running, running. so i do.

a momentary turn of the head and i witness the trail you've helped me through and that warms my heart with an encouraging faith that no freezing cold can ever overcome. it often comes really close though, and drains me to weakness. i need you to keep by my side, because i know i could never go it alone. i never have, but somehow that never stops me from fearing that it might happen - silly, you tell me.

perhaps somewhere in my confused angst, your light will continue to glow and shine increasngly irresistably, as it did the first day it ever shone in my heart.

2006-07-23T23:13:00.000+08:00

I
i've been praying for an opportunity to work in the BB. i hated my time in the BB in the 2nd Company because what they did was a lot of tosh and i felt that the emphasis was on drill and winning competitions rather than spiritual development. today, charles [my brother's friend] asked if i would like to be an officer in the BB at ACS(I). i can't begin to describe how excited i felt; even though it'll be a while before i can serve there, i can't wait. i've never told anyone this dream except dearest Father in heaven. God listens, then opens His mouth through the Christians around me.

II
i screwed up my drumming during service today. ok, so maybe i have high standards but it was perceptibly bad. usually i'd feel rather crap about it but something ping loong said caught my ear: "in spite of all the screw-ups, we still managed to worship God". made me think, a timely reminder that Jesus died to make us God-like in spirit, not god-like in gifts. so i'll pursue professional excellence in what i do, but i know that the focus is should be on God, not me. crafted circumstances, and that deep desire to know Him better is quenched by what He allows to happen to me, for my growth.

III
it's that quiet assurance that God loves me and forgives me, even when i mess up. i know i'm rather imperfect. knowing that God still speaks to me, a normal person, and gives me visions and dreams, showing me part of His heart, and i know that God is amazing. be it talking about history with my newly-found history buff churchmates, playing football with them or having YG weekly with my group, i know God is there, He listens, and watches over everyone there. somehow, the sermon always seems to touch on something specific i've been thinking about. God is good, and He listens.

Your grace still amazes me
Your love is still a mystery
Each day i fall on my knees
'Cause Your grace still amazes me

love you God :)

2006-07-22T23:14:00.000+08:00

destination SMU (?)

i've been flitting around the different unis i can go to, from NUS to Canadian unis and looking as far abroad as the UK at one stage. but after mik's dad took a bunch of us on a tour of the new SMU campus, i think i may have finally found the best option for my post-JC education. i've always been fearful of the distance/independence factor of overseas universities, because i don't feel ready for it. NUS just looked like a good choice because FASS has some really neat courses and everyone seems to go there anyway.

now that i've got a much clearer picture of SMU, i feel the saiful-groove man!!! haha... for the, the college is beautiful! everything about it is so gorgeous, from the fantastic gym facilities to the library which would make an interior designer envious. i've been to NUS quite a few times and i've been comfortable there rather than excited. but from the minute i walked into the SMU campus to the moment i stepped out, i felt totally hyped up and i couldn't ignore the blast of life and excitement that hit me square in the face. i could actually see myself enjoying going to school, as i sometimes feel going to VJC [rather than my anti-schoolness of VS days].

besides that, the curriculum offered under the Social Science degree looks a lot more exciting [and understandable] than the NUS one, which i still don't quite grasp. of course, NUS still has some really good courses, like the elective on religions and all, but it's not as if the SMU one is much worse. it's just different and i don't mind the change. all i can pray for now is a successful application, because it's gonna be ultra-competitve... eek! well, i'll leave that in God's hands.

in other news, i had dinner and dessert with kai's dad today. haha... it wasn't quite as harrowing as 'meet the parents' sessions are often made out to be, largely because kai's dad talks a lot and is rather open, which helped avoid awkward silences. we ate at akashi japanese restaurant down at paragon, and i departed from my usual cha-soba to have a bowl of udon. the food there was pretty good, though i suppose i'm spoiled by the fantastic japanese restaurant near my place which is rather more expensive. the udon was good nonetheless, and it's supposedly healthy, so i feel healthy now :P

we took a long walk to Far East Shopping Centre, where we made a little pitstop at Wheelock to watch an amateur rock band busk a song. i shall refrain from being too professionally scathing; they're on the right track but need some work. anyway, we headed to chinatown for chinese dessert paste. i tried some of kai's dad's black sesame paste and had my own walnut paste, which were both warm, pasty and nice :D kai had an almond paste which i didn't try, but since i foresee her parents wanting to interrogate me a lot more, i don't think that'll be the last time i visit that place :)

ok, slouching on my chair again, feeling tiredly happy. oh gosh i should stop creating words on my blog and start typing in proper english. when i feel englishy enough.

2006-07-21T10:40:00.000+08:00

tis the end of a long, draining week and i'm thankful for the self-imposed hiatus. not really missing anything in school; GP, Int'l History... nah i think the marginal utility of sleep far outweighed the satisfaction for going to school [lol. too much studying]

here's something i haven't enjoyed for ages: slouching in my purple chair which rocks haphazardly, listening to my favourite Jars of Clay hits without needing to fret about replying SMSes or rushing h/w [except SBQ maybe]. in the distant background, the crickets are barely audible, reminding me i'm still somewhere in bukit timah, which has been my home and retreat ever since i returned from australia.

my room isn't the ideal sanctuary, sometimes tainted impurely or a tsunami-hit mess, but it'll do for me and my time with God. the soundproof walls cloister me from the world when i want them to, my proximity to the road reopens that door when i choose to creak my windows open.

as you grow older, your circle of friends increasingly widens; more voices to draw you from your loneliness but also to tempt you from your solitude. when you're attached, there's always someone looking out for you and loving you; a cuppa for the heart, but an unwitting distraction from the Lord who sent the love of your life into your life in the first place.

so, God seals the windows, closes the door, puts on a record and silences me from the world. listen to me, He whispers into my ear. touch me, i shiver unworthily. want me, and my heart sinks with guilt, knowing that i haven't thirsted for the Lord as i should be.

love me. because i loved you unendingly before time had an end.

2006-07-17T00:08:00.000+08:00

i don't believe that anybody feels the way i do about you now

and all the roads we have to walk are winding
and all the lights that lead us there are blinding
there are many things that i would like to say to you
but i don't know how

dear groopeas and TSDians, a reverberation of the love and tributes that will undoubtedly fill the blogosphere. who imagined after our 'cult-session' introduction last year to TSD that it would end this way, in streams of happy tears and warm embraces that we resent to relinquish.

i rmbr my turbulent entry into groopeas, wondering if i was fit to be in TSD. how mik, mak, ming, bob, vern and yish turned my TSD life around, i will never forget, over a pile of Munchkin cards, dinner and love. our mediterranean lunch was enjoyable i hope, and i hope the true believers will always keep the faith. GROOPEAS OUTING!!!!

my heart is heavy, with guilt that i gave too little sometimes, or with disappointment, that there were so many things in TSD i wanted to do but never did. but now isn't the time to wallow in regret because i have no regrets about joining this course. for giving me sleepless nights. trudging out of school at 2am. dropping lit. feeling inferior. they wash away when i realise how TSD has been God's tool in grooming me and i smile.

most of all, TSD brought me to kai and vernie. i remember the distant days when people used to put vernie and i together, and how silly it all looks now. i remember declaring how kai was the kind of girl i would love deeply as a friend but never as a girlfriend. how silly. then i remember how i told kai i loved her. and when i told vernie, how she did all she could to set us up -big warm group hug for my favouritest schoolmates-

our parents went for supper today at a bak chor mee stall [mr brown anyone?]. it was nice for our parents to meet, since these are the people who have defined my college life more than anyone else. my food junkie princess and my scarlet rosed girlfriend. how we go out together, eat together, complain together and love each other.

it felt like meet the in-laws on one hand. yes, i do want to marry kai, and i hope her parents like me and see that i really care for her and won't hurt their precious daughter. on the other hand, it was hilarious to finally trace the influences of vernie's parents on my dearest princess. haha... when we grow up and if vernie don't find a boyfriend, kai and i will get married, buy an apartment and get princess to move in :) it'd be so fun to grow up together...

alright, the sentimentality can wait. i'm feeling immensely blissful and sad at once

hold on, hold on... don't be scared
you'll never change what's been and gone
may your smile shine on
don't be scared, may your destiny keep you warm

'05 TSD would like to thank all and sundry for the best 1.5 years of our lives

2006-07-14T22:55:00.000+08:00

"Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted" - Matt 5:4

Broken, I come to You for Your touch restores my life

God, You're in charge; write my story

2006-07-14T22:45:00.000+08:00

i don't think i've cried or seen people cry so much in one day.

i don't think i've sworn so much in 10 sec on the phone.

it's just a fricking bad day, with tear-stained cheeks, coffee-stained pants and a lot of confusion. all my attempts at trying to make today better or cheer self/others up have ended in dismal failure.

officially tagged worst day of the year/life/etc.

2006-07-13T22:44:00.000+08:00

i just watched Pirates of the Caribbean 2 which was quite a letdown. too much nonsense, too much humour and too little plot. watch Thank You for Smoking instead. a much better show to spend 7.50/8.50/9.50 on. if movies are ever worth that amount. i'd much rather invest in a VCD/DVD, stick into a computer and watch it with lovely company [besides girlfriend, good friends lah!] :)

that said, bryan's mum paid for everything today so i had quite a lot of fun with bryan for good memories before he leaves on Sat for Melbourne again. i'm glad we've snuck in two movies this week. it's good to talk to him, even if only for a bit. and i'm glad kai got to meet him. he's such a nice beng :P

today's like the lull after a hurricane has passed, watching silent mouths moving and shuffling feet. i'm just glad everyone's a bit more loving, forgiving and understanding today. even if it's only lip service. or just avoiding confrontation. maybe i'm naturally adverse to conflict, but i hate it when people argue a lot or cause a lot of dissent. especially when the problem is avoidable and i love both parties involved. well, glad that's over for now :) will still be loving the juniors as much as i love my batch. the course is coming to an end for me anyway.

sleep sleep sleep.

2006-07-13T00:12:00.000+08:00

perhaps my penchant for history is kicking in with extra force, but it's amazing how i can be so emotionally affected by an incident which i've not actually witnessed. it's like research, where you dig up the clues from various sources with different viewpoints and reach a balanced conclusion. except that i'm just more confused now.

i've talked to juniors. i've heard quite a lot from the seniors. and i've been imagining what chaos it must have been in my head. and if it's that messy in my imagination, i'm glad i wasn't witness to it. i'm not going to take sides. i think my batch said what they wanted to say, be it with tact and sensitivity or otherwise. and i think the juniors had a right to feel aggrieved. maybe that's why i've been rounding their blogs, tagging. or wondering how to cheer pple up, senior and junior alike. i just feel like i have to do something, because my heart aches if i don't.

perhaps it's inherently selfish to feel that way, since i've grown to love my batchmates over the course of our 1.5 yrs of TSD but also come to love the juniors through working with them this year. i don't know. how do i tread on a line that doesn't even seem to exist?

one thing i know is that i want to relinquish TSD after my final performance this sunday. i'll always rmbr TSD for bringing me kai and vernie, for groopeas, for my multitude of friends that i've made. for pulling me out of my self-pity over evelyn. lots of things. but it has also broken my heart over a lot of things as well, and, perhaps as the junior batch must surely be feeling now, a wash of bittersweet.

i just want to give my family and friends something to be proud of on sunday, then no more. i'll still act in church, still support kai if she pursues a theatre career, but for me, theatre from sunday on is dead in me. there is simply too much blunt emotion. an impossible balance between 'niceness' and 'ruthlessness'. everything is so fleeting in theatre, like every moment that passes, then it's gone.

it just warms my heart to see the juniors rally around each other, even if it is against the senior batch. it's these bonds that are most impt in TSD, more than anything else. and i want to give Lofty a fitting farewell, not a ragtag bunch of squabbling juveniles who have learned nothing from a course as demanding as TSD.

and that is my through-line for the final hurrah before the curtain closes once and for all.

2006-07-12T12:00:00.000+08:00

it was with some scepticism that i followed my mum to that chinese massage place she's been raving abt for weeks. i think i tend not to trust anything with the propensity to be dubious/shady/etc... even with my mum recommendation. but heck, my shoulders and back were aching so badly that i decided i might as well give the place a shot. it's only 5 min from home, my mum says they're not ex [she's paying anyway] and that they're good. fine, mum.

ok, so the place looks respectable enough. everything is quite open, with the foot reflexologists visible and noone wearing dubiously skimpy clothing. as i later ascertained from my mum, they're mostly from china, and the sound like it too. my mum leads to me to where i should go and then i'm on my own.

oh boy.

i swear my shoulders got ripped off by that woman. if anyone ever thought that males were the superior sex, they haven't visited the aunty i will now call "Elbows of Steel". i've been told before that my muscles are very tense, but Elbows of Steel elbowed her steel into my malleable shoulder muscles. thank goodness i was facedown otherwise i sear she would've laughed her head off at the growing grimace on my face.

so i had an entire hour having a first-hand experience of the Biblical analogy of God being the Potter and me being the clay. although rubber might be more apt because that's how my whole body feels like right now. i tried to distract myself by trying to decipher the thickly-accented chinese of the people talking outside but that strategy could hardly work when i could feel my fingers being lobbed off.

that said, i feel a lot better. still a bit sore in the shoulders and back but apparently it's supposed to feel very suang after 2 days. i'll see. for now, i'll start drafting my letter to MINDEF, to make a trip to a chinese massage parlour compulsory for all enlistees.

2006-07-09T05:27:00.000+08:00

Germany 3 Portugal 1

thus ends my World Cup 2006. no, i'm not watching the final because i have a visceral distaste for the italians and french and will not disrupt my lovely sleep to watch them play. anyway, i think the 3rd place playoff was a rousing finale. there wasn't the gripping tension of a final, so the two sides played some really good, open football. the fact that the first half ended 0-0 was more telling of some poor finishing rather than poor play.

both portugal and germany played some nifty tricks and delicate passes throughout, and ronaldo had one of his best games in his career [imho], deco was instrumental and figo embellished his cameo with a lovely assisting cross. but the day really belonged to bastian schweinsteiger [who has the most german name ever, according to mak]. he scored two cracking goals and set up the a-bit-sad-case portugese own goal with a brilliant free kick. the first was a bit tyco lah, with the sheer speed and unpredictable spin of the ball helping with his shot. the second was exquisite though, pumped right into the side of the net from out the area.

Germany it is then, for 3rd place. a bit sad for Portugal, but they can't score, so it's too bad. Kahn gets his farewell, Figo a bittersweet swansong, Schweinsteiger and Ronaldo look to have very bright futures and it's a great day for world football.

oh, and i watched Finding Nemo at my cousin's place today [for the 6th time]. everytime they get to the typically-disney parts, i still feel all weepy inside, even though i've watched it so many times and it's so contrived. it's just a very sweet movie that would ndoubtedly repel owlballs but i love nonetheless :D

alright, it's 530am. i should get some sleep. have to be early in church tmr. at least i sent out two emails tonight, more to follow suit soon.

2006-07-08T14:18:00.000+08:00

From the "40Day06" material:

"The service and death of Jim Elliot and his fellow missionariesin 1956 in the jungles of Ecuador have become a defining moment in missionary history. Five young men in the prime of their lives were speared to death by the Waodani tribe at the beginning of their mission. Their bodies were found in a river, pierced with spears and hacked by machetes. One body was swept away and never found. It all seemed likesuch a senseless and tragic waste."

"Yet their martyrdom set in motion a chain of events thatcontinue to reverberate around the world today. The familymembers of the slain missionaries continued the team's work, living with the very people who murdered their husbands and fathers. The message of forgiveness and reconciliation stunned the tribe. Before long, murderers and headhunters became pastors and evangelists."

"A Christian conference in Amsterdam not too long ago highlighted this famous missionary story. 10,000 pastors and evangelists were in attendance. When asked how many had been influenced by the martyrdom of the five missionaries,half the delegates stood to their feet."

"He is no fool to give up what he cannot keep, to gain what he cannot lose." - Jim Elliot

I hear this same story so many times, but it never ceases to shake me to core and ask myself, "Have I given God so much?" perhaps one day i'll finally, finally understand in the deepest recess of my heart that all glory goes to God and He's always in charge.

whee. feeling God's peace and presence as now, i never know what to do but smile because He loves me. my heart beats for You

2006-07-04T22:32:00.000+08:00

i keep coming back to this, but i'm always reminded that there are always a lot of other people in my life whom i often neglect to appreciate explicitly but have done a tremendous amount in my life. it's always girlfriend, princess, kimkangsmife, corrie occasionally and groopeas [as a collective group]. but i was sitting back and thinking about others and i think i smiled a lot :)

i was thinking especially abt shar, who has the rare gift of being able to crack the most retarded but genuinely-funny joke in the world to make me smile and laugh on a shitty day. i dunno what makes a friendship click; in our case, maybe sharing the same birthday or crazy tunes on crazy car pool rides to school for a year. i read her blog entries so often, and smile at the little anecdotes or quirky stories. shar, if you're reading this, sorry for the lengthiness, but you're a v v great friend to have. yeah!

ok, i shan't dwell too long on personal issues that make me smile. shall send personal emails laden with profuse thanks and a big smile to recognised parties XD will take quite some time, but since i'm slacking/not studying/etc i might as well do something productive with my time.

on the phone with girlfriend so my blog entry will be abruptly cut here because mike is distracted :)

2006-07-03T01:12:00.000+08:00

just finished a typically-hilarious game of german bridge with my siblings [yeah, it rocks to be one of four!]. as a little insight to the eccentricities of my family, i was singing in mock-chinese pop, my younger brother was going "my brains have been addled, if only i had some", my sis laughing until she cried and my elder bro making strange mathematical references to bridge scores :D i love time at home

it's a break from the World Cup [sorry France, underestimation on my part], so what has mike been doing?

it's kai's fault. she got me to watch Dirty Dancing 2 and, my goodness, i'm bobbing to countless latin beats. "bobbing", not "dancing" because i know i can't dance, but i sure wish i could. well, ok, i do so away from amused eyes in the safety of my enclosed room, but then again, you'll never know. i might lose my mind and do a hugh grant [/edit: thanks vern. dunno what my brain was doing :S] like in "love actually", dancing down the staircase banisters! haha... man, girlfriend's got me on a dance groove like no-one has been able to. fittingly, she's off to teach dance to kids in tao nan. if she can get me to imagine the dance floor, then my girl can get those steps out of anyone. i'll bring that girl to havana someday! yeah! :)

if my self-consciousness can finally exorcise itself, i'll pluck up the courage to take up dance lessons. ... mike, did you just say that? this is fun and altogether embarrassing at the same :p

*pretends to dance a bit of mambo before imagining the bemused cackles of many beloved and hastily retreats back to the keyboard*

fine, fine. laugh, smife *pouts*

2006-07-02T02:29:00.000+08:00

We're through!
We're through!
Portugal is through!
At the expense of Sven and Co.
All hail Alexandre Ricardo!

After watching Dirty Dancing 2 with dearest kai, i have decided that all peoples of Latin-origin should be supported. because they dance like i never ever will [which actually doesn't take an awful lot, really]. since my fancied Argentina is out, i shall root for Portugal, even if they get their asses whipped by the Samba Boys [ok, i'm alr discounting the possibility of a French win]. whee. high.

sleep mike.

2006-07-01T11:27:00.000+08:00

whee! smife and kim just left and i'm now munching a mcdonald's salad to quell the raging tempest of my tummy, which has been giving me problems for a few days now :(

we stayed up to watch Germany v Argentina, which had a reverse-England performance: lousy first half, good second half. i was a bit sad that Argentina got knocked out because they're really good but then again, so are Germany lah. oh well. there's still the next World Cup for both teams.

which is more than i can say for hopeless England, who looked doomed be knocked out before the final. if not Portugal then Brazil. this is the end of the road for Beckham and co, since they'll be a bit dinosaurish by the time the next World Cup comes. oh well. go Portugal!!! :D

i went shopping with smife yesterday at Espirit, since the girl had a 50% off all items on a single receipt. i bought myself a leather belt and a nice polo top for $50 [actually they aren't worth $100 lah, so the half-price is gd :)]. in comparison, dearest smife bought $150 worth of stuff in 4 items. talk abt expensive taste. even after half price. and i had to pay first because my ang-moh fren bo lui. hai. but it was worth it to see kang look all awkward at a shopping experience XD

yay, girlfriend is coming soon. i can't wait :) gonna watch dirty dancing 2 [finally!]. then after that i have dinner with my extended family. i feel very sociable today :D

2006-06-30T13:30:00.000+08:00

blimey. i just got a call from Mrs Chua and received a sordid dampener of my enjoyment of this extended break in the form of Econs Case Study homework. bleagh. sometimes i don't know how i should approach econs. on one hand, i love the intellectual rigour of the subject and the practical applications. on the other hand, when the math starts kicking in, my eyes start doing mikaela-like gymnastics. sigh. shall be studious and do my homework diligently.

i'm feeling a bit mush today because kai is at princess' palace without her phone so i can't contact her for most part of the day :( absence makes the heart grow fonder and mike is one boyfriend obsessively in love, so mike is now a little puddle of melted ice-cream [to kope smife's description].

on the brighter side, i'm going out with kimkangsmife today! whee. in characteristic chaos, everyone's going to be late/held up in some manner or another, but that's ok. it's been too long since i met up with them. kinda think of it, i haven't got a picture of the 4 of us. we have one methinks, but someone hasn't sent it. grr. for memory's sake at least, so i can tell me children/nieces/nephews that these were the crazy doofuses whom i spent a lot of time with from pri sch to eternity :D

okies. daigor's quiche lorraine is ready and my grandparents are already tucking in, so i'd better tear myself away from the computer [which has kai and princess' faces plastered across the desktop :D] to have my lunch.

2006-06-29T22:35:00.000+08:00

i decided to indulge kai on her last day of exams [having indulged myself yesterday on mine :P] and we had the most interesting shopping experience ever [ok, for me at least lah]. kai was intent on getting this pair of orange-red-multitudeofcolours pair of shoes at World of Sports, so beckoned a straightforward trip to the third floor of Plaza Sing.

or so it seemed.

no thanks to the tinyness of kai's feet, none of the World of Sports had her shoe size! so we wandered from outlet to outlet, from PS to Cine, Wisma and Paragon just to find the same pair of shoes. like some urban treasure hunt. twas funny because we got progressively closer, from not having the shoe size to having one size too big, then the right shoe size but not having the right design. our epic test of faith ended when we finally found the perfect pair at taka :) since kai didn't have cash, i paid through NETS, which meant a 20% discount! yay. cheap :D so, 1.5 hrs and 5 stores later, we had kai's elusive pair of keds.

between that was the not-so-unexpected bumping into people of every manner of association. we met abt a third of my class at cine, who'd just finished watching superman returns. i just had to see cheapskate ling there, trying to save money by watching it on a weekday ;) kai bumped into a myriad of pri sch and sec sch friends from other JCs. i presume they were looking at me as if i had a death wish XD

then, of course, was the climatic moment of the day, when we bumped into ex. i swear i panicked and i didn't know what to do, not least because she was with someone else i knew. thankfully, kai kept her feet on the ground and rescued her ailing boyfriend so all was still well.

after everything, we went back to toys'r'us at paragon, where i entertained/scared a little girl with an ernie puppet :D oh oh, i saw the cutest spongebob + patrick toy there. they talk to each other and move!!! but costs a fricking $70 :( kai indulged herself in her childhood with elmo before the two of us made a fool of ourselves playing on the Xbox [at least it was free entertainment :)]

after a brief hello to cai and yeek, kai says bye and mike waits patiently for the next episode in the tale :)

tomorrow, smifekangkim! [reversal, for a change] after foregoing 'krrish' with yish, krystle and saif for them. germany v argentina! woo! XD

2006-06-27T11:55:00.000+08:00

my brother's back! :)

he's a wonderful inspiration. today, as i was eating lunch, he decided to work his magic on the piano again, and i'm reminded how small a musician and music team member i am. every key my brother touches is like a carressed note that eases its way into the ear, and even a deaf man will revel in his playing because he plays with such passion and indulgence.

the most amazing part of it all is that you know he's worshipping God unfettered, and he leads you to worship God together with him. as he was playing "I Want to Know You", i was just sitting there at there dining table singing along silently to myself. the most beautiful rendition of the song i've ever heard. almost made me cry actually, by virtue of the music alone, and the lyrics in my head.

yay. another 3 months of free piano concert at home.

2006-06-26T21:28:00.000+08:00

it's funny how God chooses the strangest, seemingly inopportune yet perfectly timed moments to speak. Moses looks for a sheep and finds a burning bush. Joseph sleeps uncomfortably on a rock and, voila! ladder to heaven. Paul, of all ironies, when he's going to persecute some Christians.

i'm dawdling my time away, having finished my essay for GP and waiting for the time to pass. as is habit, i start looking around at the people in LT and, unsurprisingly, i spot all the faces that bring back memories. of course, there's kai. then i pick out each groopea one by one by sight. then look around at more. and everytime i look at that one person, i feel this overwhelming happiness and think to myself stuff like, "he's kinda eccentric and difficult to understand, but that doesn't make him any less brilliant" or "haha i'm glad i met her. she's so funny and a great person to have around".

so all these abnormally happy thoughts about so many people are making their way to my consciousness [in the midst of an exam?!] when a fresh voice in my head speaks; i know it's not me because it's...different. and of course i'm very aware of who it is.

"that's the way i see them, mike."
"wow, God. hello."
"i want you to love people the way i do."
"sorry i'm so judgemental sometimes."
"there's beauty in everyone because i made them each, and they're made like me"
"i guess i kinda forget that sometimes."
"be like Christ and honour me."

and there ends my short conversation with God in the middle of my exam. God has been blessing me wonderfully this weekend past and today, too, even though i know i scarcely deserve it. His theme seems to be humility, which, i realise, is a major problem in my life. i think so highly of myself in my own head sometimes that i forget that everything comes from God. thanks yvette for the off-the-cuff but much needed reminder.

2 Corinthians 5:17 stuck in my head now, and i shall keep to it :)

blimey, TSD tmr and dreaded history! everytime i walk into a history paper venue, i can feel the crunching weight of expectation go ka-plunk on my shoulders. sigh. to God be the paper and the glory :D

2006-06-24T01:17:00.000+08:00

a random song post

song of the moment:
Beautiful Saviour, wonderful Counsellor
Clothed in majesty, Lord of history
You're the way, the truth and the life
Star of the morning, glorious in holiness
You're the risen one, heaven's champion
And you reign, you reign over all

song of memories:
Crucified, laid behind a stone
You lived to die, rejected and alone
Like a rose, trampled on the ground
You took the fall and thought of me above all

song of girlfriend and of thai:
Over the mountains and the sea
Your river runs with love for me
And I will open up my heart and let the Healer set me free
I'm happy to be in the truth
And I will daily lift my hands
For I will always sing of when Your love came down
I could sing of Your love forever

song i want at my funeral:
Some bright morning when this life is o'er, I'll fly away
To that home of God's celestial shore, I'll fly away
I'll fly away, Oh glory, I'l fly away
When I die, hallelujah, by and by
I'll fly away

2006-06-23T00:04:00.000+08:00

golly. talk abt predictions gone awry. after this last round of group matches, the Czechs are out, Brazil look tragically unconvincing and there goes my future as a football pundit! ugh. i think i followed my heart too much with the czechs, seeing how the tight marking of italy and ghana, plus the absence of both key strikers, totally hampered their play. well, there goes FIFA world ranking no 2.

so, with the round of 16 teams almost fully confirmed and more matches being played, it's time for new predictions! haha... ok, it wouldn't take a genius to root for Argentina after their absolutely scintillating 6-0 display. that said, more of the same please, and against a more united, well-rounded team. the draw against mexico is a bit easy on them though, so maybe the quarter-finals for a sterner test.

my other second-faves, Holland, meet Portugal and that will be my must-watch match for the round of 16. i like both teams a lot and it's a pity they have to knock the other out. my heart says Portugal, my gut says Holland and my mind tells me it's gonna be a damn close-run thing.

Germany should beat Sweden just nicely, Spain should top their group and breeze past their opponents in the round of 16 whoever they may be. i'm not even going to talk about England, disastrous as they are and i'm ready to bid adieu to the French; the sooner the better.

ok, sleep time. meeting girlfriend tmr :)

2006-06-22T16:27:00.000+08:00

World Cup fever more than ever, midyears - failure! whee!

random thought of the day: do something to my hair before the nation's worst barbers custom-fit it for a helmet

dear A52, i have a confession to make: i bluff my way through every econs tutorial. i actually don't know anything about inflation or unemployment. today was the first time i actually opened my lectures notes and understood what 'cost-push inflation' really meant. i just co-opt whatever mrs chua says into my answers, throw in a few references to other topics and all is well. and that is my sound advice for the econs paper on monday :)

apologies for the disjointedness of this entry. econs has addled my senses XD

i fell asleep last night with bittersweet memories of pacing around a foreign room some months back. i remember the pillow clunking my head and the voice asking if i'd gone blind. the surreality of the moment at 5.15 am. adding insult to injury was a kick to the bum by a fantastic friend. a reassuring hug. dawn broke, from thosai to school. thereafter, life began anew :)

i desperately miss kimkangsmife and will meet up with them soon. i'm thankful as ever for vernie [I LOVE YOU PRINCESS!!! :)]. i can't wait for the final hurrah of groopeas at public-pee [quote mikaela]. strangely enough, i think i miss alvin, although i'm not quite sure why [lol. kidding dude.]

ooo-k, that was a random list.

i braced myself for june, for the rush, rough and tumble. then, in a flash, it's gone and i'm into the gentle twilight of coasting towards the A levels. it feels lovely, certainly, but it's only just occured to me that perhaps the most meaningful event in my schooling life of the last 12 years has drifted irreversibly by. did i remember to remember everything? will i still laugh at the same jokes when groopeas meet again? or share those classic moments with my crew?

wah lau. damn cheesy lah, mike. emo again :(

2006-06-21T23:06:00.000+08:00

cool me down like a jars of clay classic to deny the anger
make me smile as a message from my girlfriend would
drive me with passion like a riveting football game
warm my heart like the devotion of a brother
with the addiction of a computer game compel me

help me love you.

2006-06-17T18:38:00.000+08:00

my love-life's been dramatic to the point of soap-opera-ness. i spent the last few days thinking and remembering, and it's been an interesting experience, as it always is. discard everything before evelyn and it's still an awful mess with a multitude of mistakes on my part.

the problem is that i've always been looking for a long-term commitment but i haven't the patience to see my short-term infatuations develop into something more stable. urgh. maybe smife might empathise. tis an awkward, often misunderstood feeling that confuses me too.

i guess it's good in that way now that kai's around. i spent the day studying with her then strolling around a bit more. after being a flighty, somewhat reproachable love-seeker for over a year, it's extremely comforting knowing that i've found mutual love and faithfulness. the problem with trying to pursue someone is that it feels awfully one-sided after a while and gets exhausting. haha..so maybe it's just as well that i never had to 'pursue' her per se *smiles*

ok i don't know why the hell i'm talking about love and life, which is tragically adolescent but what the heck. i think i'm just gushing. i swear that's why no-one reads my blog except kai :P

2006-06-16T19:06:00.000+08:00

alright i haven't blogged for a while. actually i haven't been doing very much for a while. my schedule has been like this everyday: wake up, play on the computer, eat, play on the computer, talk on the phone with kai, eat, watch WC match 1, watch WC match 2, sleep. unlike saiful, i have been completely hopeless in my attempts to study, as is rather obvious. i think there are too many distractions at home, what more with the World Cup on. sigh. looks like i have to go out to study.

the only major break from that routine has been yesterday, when the rather deranged triumvirate of princess, girlfriend and myself went to celebrate princess' 18th year! whee. happy birthday vernie! for once, i actually didn't mind being the guy tagging along with the shopping girls, carrying their shopping bags, handbags, etc... twas good to go out with them both again. vernie spent perhaps just below $200 on a pair of birkenstocks [pink and flowery!], 3 books from borders [on offer! haha. cheapskate], a pretty sundress and a pair of earrings. kai and i bought her a pair of bright pink heels to accentuate her princess-ness and treated her to a [not-so-] royal fish & co lunch where we coincidentally bumped into yish. who also happened to splurge on birkenstocks. tsktsk.

anyway, the expression on vernie's dad's face was quite funny when he saw the number of shopping bags :P but princess deserves royal treatment once in a while lah.

so kai and i wandered around aimlessly after that, as couples tend to do for lack of a purposeful direction. we argued over my spending on her, as usual, and we went to toys'r'us, where kai started playing with elmo. hm. after that, she had to go home and mike was sad :(

bleagh. there were so many things i wanted to do after the TSD exams that i haven't quite started on yet. i wanted to find a job/volunteer but i haven't even started searching. i've had some cursory practice on the drums and brushed up slightly on my rusty thai. but that's about it. sigh. at least i've spent more time with kai, which is good.

my head is spinning from the lack of exercise and continued staring at screens [TV and computer]. i really should get started on some kind of work. or look like i am at least. or maybe start thinking about doing it. sigh :(

2006-06-13T02:02:00.000+08:00

a little review on the World Cup matches i've managed to catch thus far:

Germany 4 Costa Rica 2
A good opening tie for the Cup, with plenty of goals all round to make it a lot more exciting and entertaining. That said, by way of 'good football' there was not an awful lot on display. The excellent goal from Lahm just inside the area and an even better one from Frings about 30 yards out were about the highlights of the match. Germany defended woefully, with both Costa Rican goals coming from Wanchope springing a poor German offside trap. Lehmann was very unimpressive too. This 'new Germany' are like a downgraded 'new Arsenal': much improved in attack but much work needed at the back. Perhaps the introduction of Ballack might add some steel into the midfield but no further than the quarter-finals for Germany. As for Costa Rica, nice play but out in the first round.

England 1 Paraguay 0
Dear England, are you Italy in disguise? Eriksson's careful approach was a total match spoiler because the only good thing that came out of this game was the three points for England. Beckham was in form, yes, but was largely anonymous in the second half. Both teams were applaudably industrious but highly uninventive and woeful in attack. England looked lke they missed Rooney badly. The decision to haul Owen off for Stuart Downing stank of Azzuri negativity. England to make it to the quarter-finals on ability but, unless Rooney conjures some magic, they'll get beaten by the more creative teams. Sorry Paraguay, you looked far too nervous to make it past the group stages this time around.

Sweden 0 Trinidad & Tobago 0
This, in comparison to the England match, was a lot more entertaining. There wasn't a lot of quality on either side, which was surprising considering the star-studded Swedish side, but the attacking passion of both sides made for some good viewing. The game really came to life after Avery John was sent off a minute after the break. T&T seemed to tighten up their game and hold out improbably against relentless Swedish attacks. At the end of the match, T&T supporters and players celebrated as if they'd won the Cup! Haha... Sadly, they're not going to make it past the group stages because they lack quality. Sweden will make it through, but only because Paraguay and T&T just aren't good enough.

Holland 1 Serbia & Montenegro 0
I've been eyeing this match since the fixtures came out. Holland with their dangerous attacking play coming up against the meanest defence in Europe. Undoubtedly, Robben aced the Serbian defence with terrorising runs and all-round good play. The rest of the Dutch team looked pretty alright, with the exception of van Nistelrooy who looked pedestrian, but altogether certainly not world class [yet?]. The Serbs threatened with preciously little and their defence failed to live up to their billing as the tightest, perhaps attributed to the absence of the impressive Vidic. Should the Dutch manage to navigate through this 'Group of Death', they look good to make it to at least the semi-finals. Serbia, if they manage to somehow qualify, might just touch the quarter-finals but no further. It appears that the matches against the classy Argentina for both these sides look doubly crucial.

Mexico 3 Iran 1
This match took a while to come to life. I'm not awfully familiar with either of the teams save a few key players like Mexico's Marquez [of Barcelona]. It was 1-1 at the interval with some good periods of football, but nothing comparable to the magic of the Hollan-Serbia matchup. I guess the quality of football was always going to be deficient considering the respective skill of both these teams. Mexico eventually ran out winners, but only because the Iranian defence, having stood up for so long, finally seemed to wilt and lose concentration in the heat. Mexico to go through because the other teams are weak; first or second depends on their result against Portugal. Iran look too poor to qualify, even though they are industrious.

Australia 3 Japan 1
An absolutely riveting match. I was rooting for an Aussie win but that looked unlikely when Nakamura chipped in a lucky goal over Aussie keeper Schwarzer's flailing arms. In fact, Schwarzer looked so ill at ease throughout that i thought Japan would extend their lead. For the whole match, Australia huffed and puffed, with some good attempts on goal by Viduka from open play and free kicks, but to no avail. Kawaguchi seemed up for every shot and the Aussies looked weak under the hot sun, especially the ailing Kewell. Unsurprisingly, it took an Aussie set piece to crack the tight Japanese defence, Kawaguchi making an uncharacteristic mistake that led to Cahill scoring from the ensuing chaos in the box after the corner. An inspired goal outside the area from Cahill and a third from Aloisi, who profitted from the Japanese trying to surge forward, sealed a late comeback for the Aussies. A good win for them, but neither side looked capable of matching the quality of Croatia, let alone mighty Brazil. Unless Australia manage an unlikely win over the Croats, it's a long flight east for both these teams.

Czech Republic 3 USA 0
I tuned into this match 15min in but it got me salivating throughout. The Czechs played with some fantastic, eye-catching football, the best that the tournament has seen thus far i'm sure. The sight of renowned veterans like Poborsky, Koller and Nedved weave beautiful passes between the struggling Americans was beautiful to watch. The play of Rosicky was magnificient at the very least, capped with two outstanding goals. He's already looking a bargain for Arsenal. The USA wasn't too bad, with some decent shots and moves. They were simply outclassed by a world-class Czech side who snuffed out any telling final pass that might have led to an American goal. The Czechs reaffirmed their status as one of my two favourites to win the Cup, alongside the Samba Kings of Brazil. The free-flowing passing style of the Czech Republic offers a different take on 'Beautiful Football' in contrast to the Brazilians. The Czechs must win the group to avoid Brazil and, should they play with such domination in their other 2 matches, they should top this group comfortably, even over Italy.

some matches i missed, particularly the Argentina-Ivory Coast match which i heard was splendid. The Poland-Ecuador upset i missed too, as well as Portugal-Angola. from what i've read and heard so far though, this looks like an exciting World Cup :)

My favourites to win the Cup are definitely the Czech Republic and Brazil. Unfortunately, they'll meet before the final [as early as the round of 16 if either fail to top their group] if they qualify so that means the winner of the contest should go on to win the whole thing.

My second-faves would be the Netherlands and Argentina. I haven't had a chance to trace their route but i sure hope they meet in the semis at the earliest. it'd be a pity for either to drop out before that. both teams are quite complete, perhaps even more so than Brazil though maybe not the Czechs, but they lack the experience to be firm favourites. They just might surprise though, especially the Dutch. The group match between the two should prove to be a tantalising forerunner of what could come.

I'll put my head on the block and say that the Czechs will win it :)

2006-06-12T19:32:00.000+08:00

kai's hp has been confiscated for 3 weeks and mike is feeling a little down :( i think i take it for granted that i could always contact her at will and get little msgs to make me smile. now that the privilege is gone i feel a bit lost. bleagh.

no work done today but i unearthed the piles of rubbish in my room and am in the way of sorting this junkyard out. patience, mike.

oh and i have my medical checkup at CMPB tmr. finally get to know my fate for the coming 2 years. hopefully everything runs smoothly and i don't have to go back down again.

i miss that girl :(

2006-06-09T11:06:00.000+08:00

goodbye to you, dear TSD.

it's been a festival of theatre over the last week, mostly for mr pymm's critique and enjoyment, but also for our own. us. the one and only full cohort of TSD students outside of England. we've been slaving away at our group and individual pieces, working and working and giving 7-11 a hell lot of business; all in preparation for undoubtedly the most important and most enjoyable exam we'll ever have in our life.

it's literally been our own journey of blood [hannah being cut by glass shards], sweat [groopeas warmups!] and tears [when everything is finally over]. the wonderful thing about the TSD exams is the realisation that the exam itself is unimportant. well, not worthless, but it is the experience that it brings you that grips you. i've learnt to battle through problems and setbacks while working on my trouble-ridden IS. i've made countless relationships forged under the stress of the exams, everything from the madness of groopeas to, arugable, getting attached to kai as i struggled through the prelims. on hindsight, the burden of expectation was sometimes unbearable, but the after-taste of joy is sweeter still.

a round of big thank yous then,

God - for simply making everything work. assuring me that my piece would be fine, helping me bond so wonderfully with my group, comforting me through all those anhuished moments. everything, essentially.

Lofty, Albert, Mrs Low, Dax Young - just about everything, because you have been more than teachers, more than supervisors. for suffering the chaos to the very end with us.

Groopeas - vernie, yish, bob, ming, mik, mak. the balls family. munckins. true believers [all the way]. everything i can say has already been said, but i'll say it again: i love you guys!!! we created a new piece out of nothing in 3 days. we've survivd the emo moments, the stressful moments and every other moment without cracking. we are the true believers!!! *hug*

Kai - it's during the crunch time that you learn to appreciate your girlfriend a lot :) thank you for checking on me during slots, always buying coffee for me when i was working into the night and being there to give me a reassuring hug when the wheels started coming off. love you dear.

IS crew - tanying, matt, muthu, charlotte [the original 4], christian [the aptly named crusader], hannah, laypeng, andre, kyna, stephy, ahnaf [hired, fired then rehired]. you've been a fantastic crew!!! coming down every slot, even when it was last minute, or late, or simply seeing me emo on the teachers' chair. maybe the IS wasn't the best, but heck. it was thoroughly enjoyable working with you guys and i promise i'll support you in what ways i can during your practicals this year and next :) oh yes, and a treat too.

of course, many, many big thanks yous to my mum, which have already been said and not point putting it up since she'll never find my blog :) and to all the TSDians who survived the A lvls together! wahoo! :)

so, a few choice snippets from the A levels:
1. the rain and our group piece. we stood there, waiting for mr pymm to arrive while watching the wind blow this ominous rain cloud closer and closer from the horizon. lofty clutching his head in sheer panic, albert reassuring us with his mouth but not his eyes. every groopea and chickpea almost praying in our own little way. the sky darkened, mr pymm sat down, the piece began. and beautifully, God held the rain, releasing the light spread of droplets as if to test our faith, but we are true believers all the way. and finally, as we concluded the scene of romeo and juliet's death, the rain started drizzling down, almost as if on cue: "the sun for sorrow will not show his head".

2. kai finishes her swordfighting movement piece that includes wild slashes at saiful, biting his finger and a spiral staircase swordfight sequence. she enters the interview room with her black corset top, her [somewhat] flamenco skirt and a rose in her hair, looking the part of a killer beauty with her two swords. mr pymm sits her down, she puts the the swords on the table and he reaches out, pulls them away from her and smiles.

3. the lights dim and the sailing soundscape for my piece begins. harbour bell on perfect cue. andre assumes the role of a captain perfectly. then out of the blue, tanying and muthu start going "scrub the deck, scrub the deck, scrub the deck". lovely, especially since muthu is right next to mr pymm and he turns to look at him; the only time he flinches or moves in my entire piece. during the interview, he asks, "considering the historical context of your piece, how much are your sounds historically accurate to the actual time period?" oh bother.

nominees for song of the A levels: true believers by bouncing souls; o come o come Emmanuel
catchphrase of the A levels: hoohoo shit.
game of the A levels: cricket

[exeunt TSD]

2006-05-28T23:12:00.000+08:00

tomorrow it ends.

the last of my group slots. the last of my IS slots. the last of coming back to school and blacks and sauntering around as if we own the place.

i said i wouldn't miss it. i'm rethinking that. no, not the theatre. i'm not cut out for any professional theatre stuff. but i'll miss singing my lungs out as i skip down to 24 from the AVA and noone staring at me awkwardly. i'll miss sitting at the grand piano watching kai and saif attract the attention of everyone passing by with their fencing. i'll miss those leisurely walks down to 7-11 as an excuse to buy stuff for people to make them smile.

after tomorrow those days will be gone forever. for some, tuesday, but not much of a difference. no other experience in my life can compare. certainly not from VS, no. select nights from church youth camps, maybe. but never a year-half odyssey as this. i'm sure the euphoria of the exams when they're finally over will sweep me over, but i'll look back upon my JC life with great fondness, even if only for these moments.

for helping me get over evelyn. for leading me to vernie and kai, and then to kai as my girlfriend. for the unforgettable groopea moments. for corrie. and for liting. for lofty, mrs low, mr young and albert. for all that TSD has taught me.

it's unlike me to feel excessively nostalgic; this time i feel genuinely so. it's been a rough and bumpy journey no less, but such times often chronicle true love. regarding TSD, it would be deceit to remember it as anything but.

2006-05-27T23:50:00.000+08:00

well well, we've arrived at the final lap. or, as lofty puts it, "the last 10 metres from the finish line".

it's been an odd little race. the fastest starters have been knocked about quite badly since, there are some surprise leaders towards the end and some have stayed permanently beyond the horizon. most importantly, the race is not and has never ever been about finishing first. it's about everyone finishing the race together.

that's meant staying back to watch someone's IS, lending precious props where the need arises and compromising on slots that were seemingly set in stone. perhaps some moments of tension every now and then, and the occasional spark. but nothing has threatened to derail the train, not even the most tumultous events of the last few weeks.

groopeas have had our share of chaos. scrapping our piece. moving space. slotting and writing scripts beyond the fatigue threshold. various run-ins with various people. and we're still some distance from the finished product, i'm sure. but dearest makoto, vernie, yish, mik, ming and bob, it's been a funny old month with you funny old people but we're gonna craft a bloody good piece of theatre and blow mr pymm's black-and-turquiose socks off on June 1st.

my IS is chugging along slowly as well. to be honest, i'm not awfully confident about the whole darned thing but i'm gonna wrap up and leave the rest to God. it's been total madness, scrapping my piece 4 times, struggling to source out the best sounds and trying to assemble the enormous jigsaw of effects into cohesive soundscape. sometimes, i feel as lost as the eyes of my crew staring back at me. but whatever it is, the week has gotten better and so has my piece. in faith to June 8th then, and perhaps some theatre magic will reveal itself in Night Studio.

everyone's sniffling sick and buckling over with fatigue, living on daily doses on honey lemon. browse through blog entries of TSDians, both cast and crew, and the madness reveals itself. when i walk into the TSD spaces, i swear i can feel the exhaustion hanging in the air like a vicious noose, threatening to strangle life out of our wheezing, sleepy-eyed frames.

stronger yet is the hope, perseverance and camaraderie that promises to slash that noose loose.

2006-05-26T20:39:00.000+08:00

i can feel the awful rush of blood to the head. my arms are freezing out and my head hurts.

it's all down to clashing slots, pieces wallowing in creative quagmires and trying to live at the same time. then coercing the cheeks into a fragile smile.

stress

2006-05-24T23:57:00.000+08:00

"This is a very harmonious batch; no arguing or whatever nonsense it is yet. The wheels haven't come off, and that's good." - Lofty

it appears that almost all the other Groopeas have blogged about our miraculous group rebound so i shall be a groupie [haha. note my clever makoto-like pun] and go along.

we came, we saw, we scrapped, we tried again, we changed space [twice] and somehow, theatre presented itself in the darkest circumstances. the original piece from prelims was zapped into oblivion and we came up with a new piece + complete script in 3 days, relocated twice in 24 hours and ready for the day of reckoning in 6 days time. much thaks to groopeas for making me feel as if i was always one of them from the start. it's that love during slots that gives me new verve, drives me even when i'm grumpily weary and makes me passionate for theatre despite the setbacks in my IS.

speaking of which, my IS has finally revealed first signs of its tentative blossom. my 5 period slot today looked destined to end barely fruitful, as if trying to batter down a stone wall with a wooden hammer, praying hard that some miracle would happen. well, today it seemingly did. after albert made me redo my opening sequence [which i was very proud of and surprised that he asked me to rework it], i decided to revamp my entire soundscape while keeping to the framework. it sounds a lot richer now. far from perfect but with refinement, a piece i can finally say that i am proud of. as lofty would say, it's still early days, and i have a good feeling about this.

my experience in TSD has taught me that good theatre is like giving birth. you carry what appears to be a dependant entity everywhere you go, and it never ceases to make its presence felt. as the day draws closer, the burden seems to grow heavier, more demanding, and its effect on the body is grotesque. the wearying strains show and legs creak with the weight of it all. then, at the excruciating point of labour comes life, in all its full-blown glory. the baby that emerges is nothing like the sperm and egg that first formed it. such is the nature of theatre.

how strange that a guy should use an analogy of pregnancy to illustrate theatre. lol. well, to June 1st and 8th. *prays hard*

2006-05-24T00:21:00.000+08:00

"...the Christian life rises and falls at the point of the devotional." - Selwyn Hughes

how apt. and how fully explanatory of my malaise.

2006-05-23T18:36:00.000+08:00

thank you for the strength to survive today; a maddening, frustrating, inspiring, perplexing day. through every moment of tension, every seeming breaking point and every storm cloud in the sky, you were always there to hold my hand.

thank you for letting me cry when no-one else was watching, that nobody would ask me awkward questions or fuss unduly over me. it was lovely to see you face to face again.

thank you for making those around me patient, for surrounding me with love. from kai. from the groopeas. from the TSDians. from you. everytime my voice was wracked with angst, you padded the ears of those listening and softened their hearts not to respond to me in similar fashion.

thank you for my mum who scolds but understands; a family willing to allow my constant absences from the dinner table, to tide me over the tension, to give me a house to call home.

thank you for forgiving me even when i screwed up so badly.

thank you. you made my day today.

2006-05-21T23:34:00.000+08:00

i've spent the last 24hrs deliberating over everything i have reached certain conclusions.

i'm not going to cry over long-spilt milk. i have a responsibility that comes with my decisions and that is to do my job in TSD well and with joy.

should kai become the lifelong fixture in my life that i hope she will be [no, i'm not adding pressure. i call it a shared goal :)] then whatever roughshod TSD should run over me will be worth it, an answer to a beleagured prayer.

TSD helped me to overcome those difficult months after evelyn left. nothing could replace that.

TSD brought me corrie. enough said.

there's groopeas. i don't think the fun we've had and the love we've shared will ever be replaceable. group slots are the part of TSD are fully, truly enjoy and i'll never forget that. i'll miss them terribly after June 1st.

i'll make things up to all my teachers after the exams are over. with interest.

at least i've learnt some major dislikes through taking TSD. good or bad, it's still a positive learning experience. positive because i must choose to see it that way.

ok, complaining over. time to work work work.

2006-05-21T00:30:00.000+08:00

i should unmask my true feelings.

mask? hahaha. theatre. again. I HATE WHAT I'M DOING.

i should stop pretending. stop stop stop pretending. then again, i think that's all i do in TSD. it sucks when everyone else is saying how they love the course and love theatre and love it all. it's been fine and well to smile along and agree. right now i'm going to declare that everything i've ever said about liking theatre is really a load of tosh.

there were so many things i bloody wanted to do in JC. and i can say definitely that it was because i chose to take this course that i couldn't do them. i wanted to join council but could i? no. it was between TSD and SC so i knew subject should come first. i wanted to really hone my drumming talent in band competitions in JC but because of all the TSD commitments, i couldn't. the exit during last year's MusicFest semis still stings.

and i REGRET DROPPING LIT. i should really stop lying. i really do regret it. i hurt every single damn time i'm standing outside of mr ho's class waiting for it to finish. why? i could be in there, enjoying the discussion, sparking newfound interest in a new cause or point of deliberation. it'd force me to read more fiction, which i tend not to do but, now i realise, secretly enjoy. i pretend i like dropping lit to make myself feel better.

and now that sayers is upset about the TSD-induced absence, things have become a ton more personal. sayers is the best teacher i've ever had, no matter what anyone else may think or say. hearing how angry he was is like a stab in the heart, because i'd so much rather be in class studying history than pretending i can do theatre. i don't care what anyone else says but the mental odyessy that history, econs and lit take me through has really been more engaging than TSD.

it was between dropping lit and TSD. contrary to the crap i've been spouting, dropping econs was never an option. ever. i chose lit because TSD was had a social element. that's it.

to be honest, it's that which is the sole saving grace for TSD for me. i've obviously gotten to know and become attached to kai because of TSD. similarly, i've had some really good friendships with people like vernie, yisha, saiful and everyone else whose names i'm too lazy to type out because i'm feeling very upset now. i get to interact with the juniors, with the excellent teachers and loads of other people whom i wouldn't have ever met without TSD.

but that social bridge is double-edged. i've been kept from kimkangsmife a lot more than i'd like to be. likewise, i wish i could talk to alvin, yvette, jasmine and so many other people so much more. and all other engagements otherwise sacrificed in view of TSD.

"but theatre gives you that 'on-stage high' which you'll never get again!" nonsense. i've had it so many times before TSD and, ironically sacrificed it because of the course. whenever i drum or play music, i get that feeling. in fact, when i performed drama before joining TSD, i never had stage fright in any case. now, not only am i kept from my music, i freeze when i act. and that really sucks. in all humonogousness.

it's mostly because i feel extremely inferior and hopeless in this course. i don't expect to be an ace in everything. but i can never see things the way others see them in their heads. heck. kai shows that to me everyday, because her theatrical vision far outstrips what meagre glimpses of visual creativity i have. same with vernie and her brilliant ability to act magically. even in sound design, rowell takes the hat. completely. i feel utterly useless and out of place.

of course this rant in coming on the back of a long delayed yet impromptu meeting with smife and kim, after watching 'The Glass Menagerie" and with the immense stress of the TSD A lvls coming in less than a fortnight. nonetheless, i know that even when all this is over, i'll still have a lot of these feelings and regrets. the worst part is that i know it was all my choice.

the best part is that God still somehow manifests Himself in that choice, even in the crying and the sheer anguish.
the second-best part is that God sent you to remind me that love never fails.

2006-05-20T02:49:00.000+08:00

there is something deep and irreplaceable about lasting friendships.

nothing that i do with my primary school friends is inherently special. we do what JC students are expected to do when they chill. we huddle around a pool table in our familiar joint at bukit timah [they always seem to give us the same one], playing, laughing at jokes old and new. perhaps we follow kang into some obscure jungle on the island as yet unknown to the world and recount the past weeks before an audience of mosquitoes. today, smife, kim and i sat at liquidkitchen, a newly-opened bar near my place.

the interior designers for the place aren't bad; the warm glow lighting and round-edged designs immediately set the mind at ease. throw in a cocktail and a mute telly playing football [classic match: Arsenal v Man Utd, '99 FA Cup], our rounded tables and cushy seats become perfect.

i've missed them. the relationship has sweetened and matured with age. i've never known and never will know another friend like smife. the friendship with share is unique, having been in the same class for almost all of primary school and grown up together. when romance falls painfully flat on its face, i've always turned to her and she to me. likewise with kim, knowing we share the same deep passion for God [and football!]. perhaps she thinks she looks young and people underestimate her age, but i say that i admire her wise insights and spiritually pragmatic approach to life.

what we talked about, laughed about, cried about, we leave for our 6 ears [+2 for kang when we talk]. the secrets we share are secret, the love we share we love.

2006-05-17T12:16:00.000+08:00

makoto's been bugging me to read gayle's blog countless times. when i finally do, i find out that she's now in the papers! haha. i admire her immensely. not only is she very in-the-know about politics, she's also blessed with the ability to communicate her thoughts in an understandable way. it's that blend of passion and understandability that's made her blog so popular i guess. go check out the new link on my blog for proof :)

sometimes i wish i could be like her. i feel strongly about politics [both local and foreign] too, but somehow i tend to end up being very verbose and, more often than not, distracted. other than the occasional entry on the Singapore, i've been subsumed into the popular blogging culture: exhibitionist, indulgent and oftentimes incoherent. it's fun, i suppose, but after reading her blog, i feel immensely dissatisfied. maybe i'm representative of Singapore youth as a whole. sufficiently inspired by events to process them but not enough to make a clear stand on them.

it would be cliched and foolish to transform my blog into some political blog as a knee-jerk reaction. but maybe i should consider how i can more boldly express the stuff that i'm really passionate about. like my faith. or the need for social welfare. or even cynicism in Singapore. i will seriously consider, esp after TSD A levels are done and dusted.

lol. i'm very excited now.

2006-05-14T21:43:00.000+08:00

everyone seems to have this on their blog so no point giving particular credit to anyone. but in any case, first seen on smife's blog :)

1. makoto
2. vernie
3. kai
4. mikaela
5. ming
6. yish
7. bob
8. kim
9. kang
10. smife
11. saiful
12. guang ling
13. alvin
14. yvette
15. corrie
16. cherli
17. tanying
18. charlotte
19. shar
20. dax young

How did you meet 14? yvette
when ms. edna tan [oh wow i called her by her proper name] decided to have a make-up lesson for S22 with my class. then when we stumbled upon the topic of religion after class, *poof*, a new friend! :)

What would you do if you've never met 1? makoto
hm. if that means i met him for the first time, i'd think he was crazy but brilliant. which, by the way, i still think. hahaha... but if it means how my life would be different, i think i'd have lost a friend who's shared 4 mad years in VSGEP with me is is now continuing to ~~terrorise~~ fascinate my otherwise mundane life with references to cricket, football jokes and obscure music.

What would you do if 20 and 9 dated? dax young & kang
*vomits blood* wth?! my CT and one of my best guy friends? ew. although that would confirm the random gay streak in both of them *shudders*

Did you ever like 19? shar
now if i answered yes, not only will my fellow birthday mate shudder at the memory of carpooling, she'll also never speak to me again. but she's a fantastic person and maybe some poor unsuspecting guy will :)

Would 6 and 17 make a good couple? yish & tanying
why the heck does my selection of people throw up the most same-sex couples??? ugh. hell no. both of them deserve a nice sensible guy, which, of course, is one heck of a rarity.

Describe 3. kai
lol. how interesting. i could go on forever and ever about how wonderful, lovely, beautiful, understanding and sweet my girlfriend is but it would mush you to death. wahaha.. :)

Do you think 8 is attractive? kim
absolutely! haha... primary school experience should validate as proof *evil laugh* ok, when she reads this she's going to clobber me

Tell me something about 7. bob
brian charles suresh aka bob-balls. official catalogue of every swear word in the universe. fellow guitar freak. fellow groopea. one helluva a guy to spice up any event. and his birthday's coming soon :)

Do you know any of 12's family? guang ling
well, if the cheapskate club count as brethren then yah! there's me and there's saiful.

What is 8's favourite? kim
well, lots of stuff. but most importanly, God. oh, and beloved manchester united :)

What would you do when 18 confesses he/she likes you? charlotte
she already does. i'm her favourite nasty senior! mwahahahaha...

What language does 15 speak? corrie
oh golly. she's so multi-talented, she probably speaks more languages than i actually know right now. definitely brilliant in english as she is in chinese. maybe a dozen other languages :P sorry dear.

Who is 9 going out with? kang
kang? hahaha no-one presently. if he ever does, 1/3 odds that its a human, 3/4 that its a spider [+10% if its a tarantula] and 2/1 if its a snake. his current girlfriend is probably his skateboard though :)

How old is 16 now? cherli
well, well, mr foo has arrived at 18.

When was the last time you talked to 13? alvin
on thursday, he wished me a happy birthday! :) unfortunately, mr president [now ex-president] has been awfully busy so we still haven't had that dinner yet. sigh.

What is 2's favourtie band/singer? vernie
jay chou? *rolls eyes* but ok lah, at ;east her music taste is generally good. generally.

Would you ever date 4? mikaela
oh yah. sure. if i turned asexual like her or smth. lol.

Would you ever date 7? bob
*gives look of absolute disbelief and refuses to comment* once again, lol.

What's 10's last name? smife
ah yes. smith. wherefrom smife originated :)

Would you ever be in a serious relationship with 11? saiful
whoa. like major brokeback mountain, man. nah, that would be depriving the female population of a high-demand bachelor. hahaha...

What school does 3 go to? kai
VJC, thankfully :)

Where does 6 live? yish
some place in bishan methinks. not been to her place before, though maybe a major groopeas chaos session would cause an occasion for that.

What is your favourtie thing about 5? ming
she's special. very special. lol.

alright. i have indulged in my 'follow the crowd' tendencies. IS calls. tata :)

2006-05-14T01:32:00.000+08:00

it's 130 in the morning. i'm feeling grossly embittered by the manner of liverpool's victory in the FA cup final. my hair's wet because i just took a shower, therefore preventing me from sleeping. i'm panicking about the TSD A lvls 2 weeks away. hence i blog.

i just came back from another splendid date with girlfriend. somehow the wrong decisions can always correct themselves inexplicably but raher happily. today being a case in point.

i miss all my friends outside of school. not that classmates and TSDians and random victorians aren't fun. it's just that noone can replicate the history of my friendship with kimkangsmife. i hardly have time to interact with churchmates before having to disappear off for some work-related purpose or another. especially corrie i miss, for obvious reasons. i guess the biggest chunk of friendship is in the absence rather than presence. that said, i can't wait to catch up with them all once the immediate threat of TSD is over.

i stumbled across evelyn's letters the night before. it's funny how it was the spring votives that alerted me to their presence. i remembered how deeply i treasured them and how i could never bear to light them, even after we broke up. rereading every letter i received from her was a strangely cathartic yet philosophical experience. i'm always amazed at how haphazardly love blossomed between us both and how it wilted in an equally chaotic manner. perhaps i was scarcely ready for it then. so long after what's happened, i don't regret very much of what's happened, because i know everything's forgiven and forgotten. what i do regret is what's happened after i got over her. perhaps the time is ripe to speak to her again, but as a brother and not an ex. perhaps. God will lead and i will follow.

maybe i should stop musing about the character of love. it's just that it never ceases to stump me, how different people with different circumstances and different expectations can so universally agree on the same emotion. still, noone can quite express it or pinpoint it or whatever. maybe that's why love is always the X element in movies, since romance can be rehashed, revamped or reworked and still have the same effect on the audience.

in any case, i'm glad that kai's been in my life, as a great friend and as a girlfriend. i learnt a lot during our numerous coffee chats, musing about life and love, which, amusingly enough, revolved around figures other than each other at that time. haha..as i think about it, the mutant muffin cake she baked for me is symbolic, in that for all the fluffy mushy love you have on the top layer of the cake, we still have the boring old, reliable friendship that props it all up.

most importantly, i learnt that Christ has to be the centre. of everything. esp a r'ship. as i read evelyn's letters, i began to appreciate how much God has made me grow. yes, i have learnt from many of my previous failings. maybe i'm not as interesting or exciting as others might be, but i'd rather much be sturdy and dependable in a stormy world than flighty and non-committal. i'm a nice boring old fart and that suits me just fine :)

24 hours of bliss

2006-05-12T12:06:00.000+08:00

i think birthdays are fascinating little celebrations. we cut cakes, snuff out candles and hastily unwrap meticulously ribboned presents, all in the name of commemorating that 'i was born XX years ago!', and of course, not everyone discloses what XX is, so no-one really knows what's happening anyway.

emotionless musings aside, my birthday was brilliant, and the best i've ever had - though i suppose everyone says that every year. girlfriend has gushed without end on everything that happened, but spare me a moment to recount everything again :)

kai decided that getting me one present wasn't enough, so the lovely girl went totally out of her way to get me four! and no, not any 4 presents, but every present must have symbolism, importance and worth to me. dear, i think you've been doing too much lit S :P

the chocolate cake she made resembled a mutant muffin, but it was the best cake i've ever had!!! :) ok, so it tasted like milo powder [runs from kai] but she worked so damn hard to bake it and stayed up so late just for me, i don't care how it tasted or looked like. girlfriend's labour of love is always very, very much appreciated.

her assortment of presents also included a sack of starbucks coffee beans, the cutest CD holder i've ever seen in my life and...a brand new wallet!!! it's really my kind of material and design and it's all i could ask for. other than the fact it's too huge to fit into my pocket but nvm :P anyway, with girlfriend celebrating my birthday in such resplendent fashion, i feel rather pressured when October comes :X

we spent the better part of the day walking around orchard looking for a birthday present for myself [i mean, if you don't celebrate your own birthday why should anyone else?]. it manifested itself in a quaint pair of tartan walking shoes which my mum finds amusing somehow. hm. a nice addition to my walking wardrobe though :)

shar, my fellow May 11th celebrant! despite our rather separate celebrations don't change the fact that it's been a fantastic year and a half of car-pooling [recently ceased :(], talking nonsense and having an interestingly close friendship in a strange way. *hug* :)

*HUG GROOPEAS* yeah to the wonderfullest TSD group!!! :) vernie, mik, yish, ming, bob, makoto, you make the exhausting rigours of slotting more than bearable. thanks for the huge cake [how much did you guys spend on it?!] and being the closest i've had to a family outside of home. for all the bitching, stupid jokes and silly songs, it's not just my birthday you've made memorable but the last month or so as well.

then, of course, there's the real family to thank :) my sis gave me my first present, which she wrapped in 8 layers of wrapping paper and newspaper. my dearest sister has too much time on her hand, i swear. the CD she gave me is really nice, and i also presume she bought it so that she can rip it onto her own computer once i'm done with it :P my parents bought me a shirt each, which i shall proudly wear no matter what anyone else says. hahaha, the one my dad bought me is gonna make me look like his 40-smth golfing partners! but it's very nice :)

my grandma and my aunt gave my an angpow each. my aunt spelled my name wrongly!!! after 18 years!!! haha.. but i'm very thankful that they always rmbr my birthday without fail and esp now, that my grandma's just become a christian, it's even sweeter *grin*

final BIG thank yous go out to people like corrie, kim, smife, valentia, isaac and colin who, despite not being able to be with me on my birthday, nevertheless sent msgs and well-wishes that made me smile till my cheeks hurt :) to A52 and the TSDians, despite all the teasing about kai being a hard act to follow, i love all of you very much. the sprinkling of 'happy birthday' wishes from people in school like alvin, jasmine and even the teachers was much appreciated too :)

so, as i've been reminded at least 50 times yesterday, i'm 18. i can legally drink, watch M18 movies, go for R(A)18 plays and indulge in a variety of other such 'grown-up activities'. hoho, i'm trudging my way daily to greater independence, which i've wanted for so long and suddenly, it feels like anathema to me. i realised that i relish the loving support of all those around me and i don't ever want to lose that.

anyway. i won't do the gross thing and proclaim my love for kai all over the place [but i've already done it! hah! note the cunning irony.. lol.] she knows it, everyone knows it and she made my birthday beautiful in a lot more ways than one *smile*

work and lunch beckon :)

happy birthday self!

2006-05-11T00:29:00.000+08:00

happy birthday mike! you're 18 now! :)

18 seems to be a symbolic age of sorts somehow. i don't know why. it's supposed to bring tidings of 'adulthood' and 'maturity'. i pretty much feel the same though. i still wanna bounce around the TSD studios and feel like a kid. i plunge masochistically into makoto's low-class humour, appreciating the sheer simplicity of it all, without pretences of some intellectual wittiness. i wanna indulge in little material pleasures, like new games or new clothes, and feel my lips widen and bend into a smile with the latest toy in hand.

maybe i'm old enough. God, by some divine intercession, prepares everyone for their respective stage in life, and the infamous rollercoaster has rendered me rather immune to much of the stomach-churning events that have come and are yet to pass. gazing upon my childhood pictures, those memories seem to glisten, almost movie-like, in the mind's eye. as quickly as they come, they journey on to history's annals.

oh heck why am i being so philosophical? i'm happy. it's been a glorious 18yrs, particularly the last 4+ knowing that i belong to God :) okies. sleep beckons. whee!

bleagh. tiredness.

2006-05-09T11:47:00.000+08:00

for the first time, NAPFA has taken the mickey out of me [making michael an -ael instead. haha.] i can't recall ever feeling so worn out after a NAPFA test before. i think i'm just super unfit, hiding in the TSD studios doing my sound piece and stuffing myself with food at other times. not to mention an over-pampering girlfriend. the 2.4 was tragically telling, because i was stitching and aching by the second round. but i'm glad for saif anf makoto; saiful for completing the whole darn thing despite his busted knee and makoto for owning all of us in 2.4.

slotting and shwoing was alright too i guess. it was fun, we did what we had to do, but we got some constructive criticism from the teachers. so where we go from here, i don't know. at least we have something, but perhaps its a rough diamond in need to careful polishing. we can do it, because we are the true believers!

thus explaning my absence from school today. getting up this morning and feeling like an arthritic grandpa. still do, actually. i can't belive i'm missing a tuesday. it's been ages since the last tuesday i've missed. it's just history and worship, two of the highlights of school for me. i suppose i'm really that busted.

love is a bewildering concoction. it is when you feel the most excited, the most dreamy, that is when love is not yet mature. only when the head-giddiness ceases and the happiness metamorphoses into warming joy that love is climbing up to its zenith. after all, lamps are carefully crafted by the light of day, but made most useful in the deepest dark night, and it only then where the labour by day flourishes into a quiet comfort by night.

all heaven

2006-05-07T20:53:00.000+08:00

all heaven declares the glory risen Lord
who can compare with the beauty of the Lord
forever He will be the Lamb upon the throne
i gladly bow my knee and worship Him alone

i will proclaim the glory of the risen Lord
who once was slain to reconcile us to God
forever You will be the Lamb upon the throne
i gladly bow my knee and worship You alone

---

past all the rituals, the rebuking and religion
there You were, there You are, and there i long to be

elections aftermath

2006-05-07T01:31:00.000+08:00

first up, i would like to congratulate the PAP on returning to power. for a rather dry, no-fuss party, i would like to say that the funniest thing about your results must be the 66.6% votes won.

sylvia lim, it'd be nice to see you in parliament. we could do with some female voices among the testorone-charged voices seemingly hell-bent on bringing their fellows in the opposition down. take the NCMP seat please. at least we know you don't secretly fantasise about your maid or have post-modernist photographic tendencies.

the brightest idea of the elections must go to dr chee soon juan, who got around his ban on speaking at rallies because of his bankruptcy by emailing his sister [also his party-mate] and getting the email read out at the rally. he then cleverly engineers a belated appearance at the rally and blows manly kisses at his supporters. as an internationally-acclaimed face of Singapore's democracy, we are proud as a nation of his great contribution to the people, such as his attempted hunger strike. which failed because he got too hungry.

i realised that i might get into trouble for all this but hey, i might as well do this before i turn 18.

the PAP gives 'lift-upgrading' a whole new meaning when the Senior Minister pops into Hougang and Potong Pasir to give the PAP challengers a personal lift. unfortunately, the ruling party's attempts to raise the stakes in the two SMCs failed to significantly elevate their percentage of the votes.

SM Goh also took time out to comment that mr chiam has worked very hard but is too old and has to go. somehow, he seems to have an 'arsene wenger complex' [i.e. selective blindness] because i happen to know a certain superior of his who could fit that category as well. oh well. i'm sure the senior minister knows best when it comes to 'being too old'.

the biggest issue this election was not lift-upgrading or "first world" government vs opposition. rather, the loudest hoohaa was raised about an election form that decided to go-mezzing.

one step at a time, Singapore. one step at a time.

musings

2006-05-06T20:40:00.000+08:00

i want to learn how to dance.

after watching RJ's dance night, i feel so stiff and cannot-make-it :( the guys were extremely impressive, from the traditional stronghold of breakdance to some really slick latin moves. best of all, nothing from the concert looked as if it came out of a club.

maybe after the A lvls i'll take up latin dance classes or something. hopefully it doesn't become like my football pipedream and go down the drain. sigh.

back to work.

eulogy

2006-05-04T22:08:00.000+08:00

RIP

TSD Journal

1 May 2006 - 4 May 2006

playing minesweeper with pau is hilarious. she keeps clicking the wrong button, especially when she's trying to flag the mine. hence blowing herself up. then quickly restarting her game before makoto returns to attempt to repossess the laptop. personally, i prefer to watch pau char siew herself.

tom cruise is so yesterday. the next big thing: Assembly and the Flight of the TSDians. 0745 - 24hrs. Priya and Yeek are busily preparing themselves for Operation Pymm. A loud voice booms in the distance. With lightning reflexes, our heroes call their faithful sidekicks Yisha, Jasmine and Mike. together, they race to the Costume Room, lying in silent ambush for their attacker. the speed and efficiency of our gallant champions of TSD must have scared him off. our tentative recon reveals no evidence of movement. the day is saved by the age-old maneuver known as the "bolt and run".

hooray today for the nonexistent slot!

i also just realised that it's one week to birthday! hm. maybe i should spend that week mugging, reflective of my life in this world thus far.

TSD day

2006-05-03T23:45:00.000+08:00

today shall officially be chronicled as TSD Day, because all things TSD suddenly decided to spring up upon me like a wound spring all ready to spring. oh forgive my lack of simile.

for a start, it's Tash's birthday! Tash, who happens to be one of the TSD reps :) so we string up a few balloons, light a few candles [tim burning his finger in the process] and sing that silly tune. then we hit the cake, which was quite nice. happy birthday fellow May baby!

more amazingly, Sunil (?!?!) sends a cake and declares that he wants to pursue theatre for further education (?!?!) sunil?! hahaha... what happy bewilderment for the man who must have created one of the most last minute pieces in the history of TSD. perhaps also the only person to have his name in his sound piece too. lol. quote mikaela "sunil has become my favourite senior over-night". oh, and the cake was quite nice too.

then, groopeas minus the ill bob [take care dude!] meet, discuss my character and kaboom our chaos in AVA. whereupon we stumble upon a very lovely looking piece. i quite enjoy group slots actually, a lot a lot, not least because i really love my fellow groopeas too. now mike understands the power of 'group bonding sessions'. so anyway, we switched roles for a bit [playing anil kumble was heck fun], improv some lines and *poof* theatre magic! showing tmr. yay.

after a long day of breaks, ponned lectures and one long group slot, i head home, sit in front of the computer, and the screen speaks to me. it dictates to me the contents of my journal and my fingers type diligently. the printer starts spitting out black smears on my pristine white paper and my journal is complete. i also managed to divine the sounds for my piece from the murky depths of my swampish imagination.

beginning of complete and obvious sidetrack

i will never survive in the Singapore system. i can't make ruthless decisions or detach my heart from my work. i love what i do and i do what i love. i like Singapore very much, but not enough for me to really want to study here to work here. maybe just to stay here and feel happy.

end of digression

i will consider canada rather more seriously now. a bit fearful perhaps, because it's awfully uncharted territory. well. see where God leads me to then. will miss family, friends, girlfriend. not that mission work will be much different.

revamps self

2006-05-02T22:44:00.000+08:00

hello. apologies to those who saw my new skin but with no post to explain. it appears that straight after loading it, my computer decided to get whakced my malicious spyware and i spent the last two hours heroically battling this evil doer from cyberspace. fortunately, my gallant geekiness overcame this vile villain, with much support through my samsung transmitter from my girlfriend. so the day is saved by Superhero Power System Restore!

anyway, it's a nifty little skin. it's got purple and pink, emanates "feminine" and doesn't have any titles for my posts. i haven't decided if i should change the HTML since most of my titles are blase. oh yah. i need to add a title for my blog too. the annoyingness of changing blogskins. golly, i'm starting to sound like best friend vernie now, ignoramus of all things techy.

i figured that i might as well get a blogskin change since everything else is changing. like my conversion to samsung [thank goodness they're not sponsoring chelsea next season]. and *gasp* DENIM! amazingly enough, i'm very proud of my first pair of jeans!!! :) i consider it an accomplishment to have spent almost 18 years denim-less. but no thanks to vernie, who keeps complaining abt my wardrobe, and kai, who keeps trying to spend money on me, the sooner i get something with my own money for myself to change things around a bit, the better things will be.

ok. digression aside. i like my new blogskin.

as for the rest of my life: journal journal journal. a word synonymous with 'imagination', 'conjuration' and 'fabrication'. Mr Pym is either very gullible or very merciful, sifting through our meaningless pages of hogwash under the bright british sun. not that i've been there by the way, merely extending my well-exercised powers of imagination. my piece borders on the thin line between vacuum and faint existence, so i suppose i'm pretty screwed, but i suppose some the 'magic of theatre' will cause a lovely little piece to apparate into the blackbox which i can then call my own. golly. i have such a love-hate r'ship with TSD.

yay, i shall be 18 soon, then i can feel all adultish, buy alcohol, bump my head into a lamp-post and realise that i've hardly grown up one bit.

little amusements

2006-05-01T00:49:00.000+08:00

fancy that, it's monday morning already. my lovely TSD journal sits untouched in some remote corner of my hard drive and it's due in a bit. sigh. at least i had [half] my group coming over today [with the other half pang-say-ing us. *grr*] and we had an almighty bitching session :)

out of randomness, a collection of items that amuse me:

malcontent with the limited geographical landscape of this sunny island, the Workers' Party and the PAP have sought to rectify the situation by making 'a mountain out of a molehill' with misplaced election forms. surely, another first for the nation. we can now celebrate this new topographical feature and call it Mt. Lee and sing a little song about it in August.

the school admin wasted too much money on the students' lounge. pool tables, playstations and the like are overrated. on evidence of drama night, victorians are sufficiently fascinated with their newly-found ability to make bird-shadows with their hands. i suggest that we capitalise on this enthusiastic creativity and rig a few follow-spots in the artery, thereby creating the appropriate atmosphere for these culturally-sensitive students to exhibit their talent whhile entertaining themselves.

the perfect music video consists of an adorable flash-animation bunny, a deceptively catchy tune and a mournful discourse about one's unsatisfactory sexual exploits [forgive me mak for my lack of originality] http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OBjnH2QqBZM

all thanks to bohemian makoto and his [misguided] belief that he is the funniest person in the world :) now, i've got a silly song stuck in my head and a lot more passion for sillier brit humour. all hail rowan atkinson, ali g and their anglo-saxon kin.

the usurping babysitter

2006-04-27T20:21:00.000+08:00

in the infamous nanny state, it appears as if a renegade babysitter is attemping to unsettle the long-serving nanny and adopt the kids.

this year's general election looks positively exciting indeed. i know i was once a cynical member of the post-1965 brigade but, with GE2006, suddenly the words "Singapore" and "politics" seem a lot more palatable on the same sentence again. finally, not only is the Opposition putting up a fight, it's putting up a rather credible one for once - a first in my lifetime, really.

i always thought it sad that we had "PAP vs. Opposition". it's rather pathetic that the competition to the ruling party is such a ragtag bunch that no single party can stand out from under the collective tag of 'Opposition'. so, finally, after 18 years of cynicism, the 'Opposition' has given me something to jolt me from my armchair.

i'm quite impressed by the Workers' Party this election. not only are they fielding the most candidates among any of the Opposition parties, they've opted to be rather cavalier and very, very gutsy. firstly, they're fielding a good number of young candidates, one as young as 24! goodness. it's very inspiring, esp considering his background and his firm stance on the casino issue. secondly, low thia khiang has challenged the PAP's "First World opposition" with the entertaining thought that "the PAP is not a First World government". kudos to you, mr low. thirdly [and this takes the hat], they're fighting for Ang Mo Kio GRC! our PM's very own ward. foolhardy, maybe, but brave, very brave. and i admire that tremendously.

i've read commentaries, both local and foreign. they tend to raise interesting and valid issues but feel more like an intentional witch-hunt of the PAP rather than a credible case for dissent in the form of another government. more freedom of speech for the arts, less 'HDB upgrading' election tactics, blahblahblah. the problem is that none of these groups have ever banded together to feasibly challenge the PAP. the sporadic, individualistic protest, perhaps, but never a full-fledged opposition. the issues often aren't big enough to warrant it anyway.

i've bought The New Democrat straight out of Dr Chee's hand too. just for the sake of reading it. that was disappointing too. a handful of reasonable points raised but by and large, a self-indulgent rant against the PAP which i could have come up with myself too. i've stopped by JBJ at City Hall once too. more ranting.

i'm glad the WP is putting up a fight this time around. it's only a pity i can't vote and that they aren't contesting my GRC. i would love to attend one of their rallies to see what it's like. i might decide that the PAP is the better choice after all, but at least i had a choice to begin with. the WP is looking increasingly credible, while not as a proper ruling party yet, but as a worthy wake-up call to the comfortable nanny. things in Singapore could just get a tad more interesting in the next few weeks, and i can't wait to see what happens :)

beautiful day

2006-04-25T21:40:00.000+08:00

prologue.

it's a beautiful day
sky falls feel like
it's a beautfiul day
don't let it get away

act i.

it is not when doused embers miraculously erupt into white flame that one acknowledges a higher being, but when, improbably, they battle on ever brighter, ever brighter, that the eye is not blinded but enlightened to God.

grotesque structures of rising concrete transfigure beauteously under the fast-fading glow of the setting sun, as does melancholy withdraw the glare to colour the world with radiant shades of blur and night, in these throes of uncertainty that peace is birthed.

act ii.

reject the cheer and chirp of the head-bobbing beats, with their pretence of joy merely tacked on cheaply with verbose cliche. embrace instead the embroidery of stray notes and syncopation, and watch as they embellish the heart with wine-warmth smiles.

scour the creamy flower fields, present me the most elegant lily, watch them flutter away with the shifting winds. seize upon the sole thorned-scarlet, pierce foolish inhibitions, greet not the gentilesse but its subsequent lack, and yearn for more of the same.

act iii.

watch! watch! language the illusion that obfuscates the truth but, artist-like, proclaims it all the same. couched in eloquence is emotion, embedded in imagery is reality; falsehood and imagination cast no shadows.

epilogue.

let the crumbling sky collapse and die, that it may open the way to the heavens above.

bear and bull

2006-04-23T02:28:00.000+08:00

a big thank you to those who've been supporting me through this week, be it the simple SMS or being with me all the way through. actually i've not really told anyone what's happening and noone knows either, but having people around counts for something. it's not that my matters of faith have been clearing up all that much, so i wait expectant for Sunday.

i doubt anyone will get my little pun of a title, since noone thinks econs or double-meaning in my demented fashion by it's ok :)

anyway, up-down week, obviously. loads of performances, not just this week but in the coming fortnight as well. i watched "Two Gentlemen of Verona" by Lasalle-SIA and it was nothing short of brilliant. ok, so some might disagree but i loved it. similarly for West Side Story. watch it! it's been a while since i've cried at a play but this really did it for me. worth the whole $80. regale was a bit disappointing since i've been exposed to some fantastic dance concerts, rather telling since the highlight of the show for me was the teachers putting on tutus and looking all adorable [mr. ho takes the cake :D]. a handful of performances both in and outta school coming up, quite looking forward [queen ping, drama, glossolalia, death of the maiden]. at least i feel somewhat like a worthy TSD student.

whether for better or for worse, i've been chucking some of my old stuff for new stuff. my hp being obviously new :) vernie is going to take my shopping, since she so insists. i'm actually wearing jeans *gasp* i'm actually not buying "Oblivion" yet. shocking stuff. but yes, i feel sufficiently traumatised and shaken to want some change in my life.

i feel like a liverpool fan tonight. i cheered every touch by gerrard, garcia, crouch (!!!) and the lot, only because they were playing against horrid chelski. they won of course, and i feel rather elated. one of the few times you'll see me celebrating a scouser victory [unless it's everton over liverpool :P]

i crashed harris' lit lecture on fri. it was quite amusing. i actually felt very involved, as if i hadn't dropped lit at all. i guess i still do enjoy the subject, so long as i'm not tested on it. oh well, it was good to get some fiction and energy in to my life. i realise that my imagination has been consumed by non-fiction and economic stats. ugh.

righto. i'm exhausted. i promised kai i'd sleep after i hung up, but football and dad's return beckoned so here i am. i'll sleep real soon.

*hug* corrie for the most timely support i could imagine
-insert mush here- to girlfriend and -insert pseudomush here- to best friend for spending so much time with me. much, much appreciated.
big thanks to saif for just being a great friend whom i can always rubbish with. i didn't say it, but you helped me feel a whole lot better on multiple occasions. likewise with yish, in spite of regale commitments. thank you.
bert, makoto, for proactive support and counsel
all other random people here too, for aiding me in my ailing without knowing it.

just thank you for the very proactive support, esp in school, but also outside of it, because even your one SMS or taking time out to contact me has restored my faith somewhat in the love of friendships. i'm not so embittered now, but yes, will slowly pursue the treacherous, pot-holed road to recovery.

you have reached the end of mike's disjointed discourse. smile and give yourself a pat on the back. you've done well.

the wheel turns

2006-04-19T15:21:00.000+08:00

i watch and wait as the wheel, once again, turns ominously.

after 18 years of life, everyone becomes obsessed, even if only remotely, about something. today's birthday girl is facsinated by everything orange. yisha indulges in all things japanese. makoto, ironically, indulges in sport, esp cricket.

me? i can't seem to wrench my sight off the clumsy way with which people socialise. no, it's not a scathing attack; i know i'm equally guilty as well. it just fascinates me. in what strange manner do humans try to bond and how then do they keep those friendships? while it's not a 'scathing attack', i admit that it is a bitter reflection.

to put it bluntly, i'm losing faith in friendships. yes, they can be formed but they only ever reach a certain stage before they crumple with hardly a whimper. right now, i'm caught in a dilemma. should i simply go all out and name names and feel all the more better about it or simply be generic and make everyone hate me? i don't know really. right. names then.

for a start, i miss corrie terribly. it's not her fault that we can't really talk anymore. she's busy, i'm busy and so much has changed over simply a few months. i know i keep coming back to this but it's only now that she's gone that i realise how much i needed her more than any other person in my life then. she was the only one who could not only understand me but listen to me and give me good advice that i often neglected. why is it that in small Singapore and in such a short span of time, the best friendship i ever had can peter off into nothing?

ok i shan't go on. i understand that corrie is the only one i can really lament because it just happened out of circumstance and that makes me struggle.

as much as i deny it, i'm losing faith. more than anything now, i desperately need Christian support. for so long, i've been denying so much for the sake of the cross, yet things have rather much taken a turn for a worse than for the better. i've been searching, searching for someone whom i could rally with. but smife is plagued with her own problems. alvin is bound by council commitments. after that...i don't know.

for too long, i've been relying on vernie and kai for emotional support and that they've provided abundantly. but everything that happened yesterday shook me to the core.

so, the social wheel turns again, and friends who were once bosom buddies now seem immeasurably distant, and the further reaches become nearer still. after too many cycles, i'm too weary to reach out for anyone again, fearful that these shifting social circles will revolve again.

falling flowers and drab skies
i feel the return to sec 2 again

girlfriend and groopeas! [almost]

2006-04-14T23:45:00.000+08:00

YAY! groopeas outing! :) + darrel - vernie & bob though... *sadness* but it was good fun nonetheless. there was a lovely outing to ming's church where they had a healing service and play+sermon which was quite enjoyable. yes, some bits were culturally foreign to me but i understood the message clearly. God spoke to me in a way that reminded me who He was and what He meant to me. it was a good and timely reminder :)

we had a so-so dinner at Mad Jack near Coronation Plaza, average Western food lah. ming and mak had a tryst in the playroom upstairs :P then we finished our dinner and headed off to Island Creamery!!! *whee!* apple pie, burnt caramel and my kahlua latte :) i think ice-cream is a fantastic bonding device *shmiles*

munchkin!!! obvious was the first thing we did when we got to my place. ming won. again *grumbles...* hee. but it was fun and chaotic, even as makoto kept trying to CHEAT and i keep getting sabo-ed for no reason :( groopeas the pseudo-munchkins! yay. ok i'm rambling.

we watched a handful of stupid clips of you-tube, particularly entertaining one being the james blunt parody :P with makoto on board, i don't there's ever a shortage of online fun. so we watched till the girls ha to zip off, then mak and darrel had to head off not long after too. oh well. twas fun :)

alright, the madness has settled. that was the second half of my day. the first half consisted of my church service and a date with girlfriend :) i'm glad she could come for Good Friday service, albeit late because we both didn't know the bus route *lol* but at least she was there :)

ok, bar the little issue of _____, i'm sure it was very enjoyable. pefita looked very happy that kai was there :) i actually love my church very much, because for all it's small-ness in size and non-church like setting, the environment is so warm and tightly-knit, since almost everyone knows almost everyone. not saying that big churches are bad, but this is a personal preference and i love it that my church is so.

then, lunch at Thai Noodle House :) i hadn't been there for ages, so it was exciting to go with girlfriend and savour the authentic [and cheap] food once again. and practise my ailing thai :P well, at least the waitress understood me and i managed to avoid disclosing the amount to kai. hehe. tom yam!!!

alright. then down to town, shopping for 1) Kai's costume, 2) my guitar string and 3) presents for each other. lol. i think we do the weirdest things. well.

i have also decided that i will revamp my wardrobe *haha.* or try to lah. yay. fun day.

shoots self in head

2006-04-09T21:09:00.000+08:00

why? because i'm actually filing up one of those "pass around online" thingums. and from vernie, nonetheless. oh well. nice to take a break from my pseudo-intellectual ramblings:

( ) smoked a cigarette - no, i just smoke during history :P
( ) crashed a friend's car
( ) stolen a car
(x) been in love - only twice actually, contrary to common belief :x
(x) been dumped - strangely enough, more times than i've been in love
( ) shoplifted
( ) been fired
( ) been in a fist fight
(x) snuck out of your parent's house - oops.
(x) had feelings for someone who didn't have them back - way too many times than i care to remember
( ) been arrested
( ) gone on a blind date - *looks at kai and vernie and gives knowing laugh*
(x) lied to a friend - not too many times, fortunately
(x) skipped school - oh yes. definitely. i even schedule those days.
( ) seen someone die
(x) had a crush on one of your internet friends - oh gosh. how embarrassing.
( )been to Canada
( ) been to Mexico
(x) been on a plane
( ) purposely set a part of yourself on fire
(x) eaten sushi
(x) been skiing
(x) been at a concert - MTV Asia Awards! haha... but Sonicfest and FoP as well :)
(x) taken painkillers - like a bullet to the head, maybe?
(x) miss someone right now - girlfriend. duh. but also close friends who seem to have faded into the distance. sigh :(
(x) laid on your back and watched cloud shapes go by - and wonder at the beauty of it all
(x) made a snow angel - twas pathetic. the snow was too frozen :(
( ) had a tea party
(x) flown a kite
(x) built a sand castle
(x) gone puddle jumping
( ) played dress up
( ) jumped into a pile of leaves
(x) gone sledding - i think it's easier than skiing. push and tumble.
(x) cheated while playing a game - now you know how i win all those games of munchkin *grin*
(x) been lonely - which explains my vcious cycle of r'ships
(x) fallen asleep at work/school
( ) used a fake ID - i usually fool the guy at 7-11 anyway :)
(x) watched the sun set - everyday in my room. beautiful.
( ) felt an earthquake
( ) slept beneath the stars
(x) been tickled
( ) been robbed
(x) been misunderstood
(x) petted a kangaroo/reindeer/goat - yeah, kangaroos are adorable. goats are not.
( ) won a contest
( ) run a red light/stop sign
( ) been suspended from school - nearly, i think, but doesn't quite count.
( ) been in a car crash
( ) had braces
(x) felt like an outcast/third person - i.e. gooseberry :P
( ) eaten a whole pint of ice cream in one night - nearly. i will one day :)
(x) had deja vu
(x) danced in the moonlight
(x) liked the way you looked
( ) witnessed a crime
(x) questioned your heart - many, many, many times...
( ) been obsessed with post-it notes
(x) squished barefoot through the mud
( ) been lost - i'm not vernie
(x) been on the opposite side of the country - everyday when i go to school *lol*
(x) swam in the ocean
(x) felt like dying
(x) cried yourself to sleep
( ) played cops and robbers
( ) recently colored with crayons
(x) sung karaoke - michael jackson at least a decade ago, if my memory serves me well
(x) paid for a meal with only coins - YES!!! hahaha!!! at sushi tei. for a $50+ meal. :) :) :)
(x) done something you told yourself you wouldn't
(x) made prank phone calls - yeah, pretended to be a malaysian phone operator. priceless.
(x) laughed until some kind of beverage came out of your nose
( ) caught a snowflake on your tongue
(x) danced in the rain - yeah. was where i met evelyn.
( ) written a letter to Santa Claus
( ) been kissed under the mistletoe - too cliched ;)
(x) watched the sun rise with someone you care about - more than one person actually. the whole youth group :)
(x) blown bubbles
(x) made a bonfire on the beach - Yu Kanghao.
( ) crashed a party
(x) gone rollerskating
(x) had a wish come true
( ) jumped off a bridge
( ) ate dog/cat food
( ) told a complete stranger you loved them
( ) kissed a mirror - my ego isn't that big
(x) sang in the shower
(x) had a dream that you married someone - quite a few times. worryingly, with different people :x
(x) glued your hand to something
( ) kissed a fish - ugh!
(x) sat on a roof top - RJC, lol. yu kanghao again.
(x) screamed at the top of your lungs
( ) done a one-handed cartwheel
( ) talked on the phone for more than 5 hours
(x) stayed up all night - Amazing gRace :) and football marathon, of course
( ) picked and ate an apple right off the tree
(x) climbed a tree - or at least attempted to :x
( ) had a tree house
( ) scared to watch a scary movie alone - i just don't watch them
(x) believe in ghosts - spirits lah. not ghosts.
( ) have more than 30 pairs of shoes
(x) worn a really ugly outfit to school - i call it 'uniform'
( ) gone streaking
( ) gone doorbell ditching
( ) played gay chicken - wth?!
(x) pushed into a pool/hot tub with all your clothes on - more like 'carried and dunked'
( ) broken a bone
(x) been easily amused
( ) caught a fish then ate it
( ) caught a butterfly
(x) laughed so hard you cried - haha.. at the dinner table with my quirky family :P
( ) cried so hard you laughed
(x) cheated on a test - countless ting xies.
(x) forgotten someone's name
( ) gone skinny dipping in a pool/hot tub
( ) been threatened to be kicked out of your house or been kicked out of your house - i think i ejected myself.

inertia renounced

2006-04-08T17:37:00.000+08:00

i figured that i really want to do something.

for all the hot air i blow about 'social concerns' and 'political issues', i realised that i don't actually do anything substantial about it. ok, so i go up to Thailand every now and then and i intend to devote my life to God's ministry in to the underprivileged. but still. there are causes that i really care about, that i could possibly do something about. obviously, i haven't done so.

why should i even limit it to 'causes that i really care about', kinda think abt it? it's not as if God is going to put me into comfortable areas of service when i grow up. i might as well start thinking about doing His work of His choice and not His pseudo-work of my choice. if He wants me to go there, He's not gonna just dump me there with nothing but my own flesh and bones but will bless me with all that i need, so long as i'm working for Him.

lol, look! i've managed to talk so much. how ironic. right now, i have significant commitments to TSD, to my family and to the church. once june's passed though, i want to sign up for some social work or volunteerism projects. where exactly, God will lead and i will follow :)

growing up

2006-04-05T17:15:00.000+08:00

it wasn't too long ago that i was like my brother, indulging in the joys of primary school without a care or worry in the world, bar the next chinese test or whether my friends liked me or not. those care-free days at kang's place, playing all sorts of ridiculous games as we skived what lessons we could. the little spats that smife and i would get into and out of within 10 minutes. my first experience of what a crush was with kim! haha...

then life drags time by the second hand and thrusts us age first-hand.

whenever i meet up with kimkangsmife, it always amazes me how we have forged such a deep friendship from those days in primary school, frolicking in the...HPPS corridors? lol. it's funny how we never stop and ponder how we've really moved on from those days into our current lives. which of us would have imagined the A levels in P5? yet here we are, and there's no turning back the clock to repent for past sins or make right the wrongs.

i wonder what life would be like if mark william were still in Singapore. he, along with kang, formed my first ever triumvirate and unwittingly set the precedent for my relationships to come. sometimes, God plays an unexpected card, but the game has to go on. it's been almost 6 years since Jus Nenes [ask no questions and i'll tell no lies. haha... long story] left for NZ and i don't 'miss him' in the typical way but i wonder. he was a great friend and i'm sure my happy quartet would resoundingly agree.

perhaps, in so many ways, i've hardly grown up. yes, i'm tons more cynical and a lot more streetwise than i was during those innocent primary school days [or even secondary school, for that matter], but there's something i've learnt from mr sayers: "It is when things are changing the most on the surface that things are hardly changing at all." for the now-familiar pimples, weary eyebags and sleep eyes that have masked my youth that is soon to pass, there remains something inherently...kiddish about me.

i carry that childish innocence in my heart. behind the sarcasm and cynicism, i realised that i'm no less trusting than when i first began. it must be true, considering that, after so many broken relationships and being torn apart by the rumour mill, i still instinctively believe that romance can still blossom from the pain. i don't know. sometimes it slips, that i take everything so willingly at face-value, forgetting that the world can be a tricky, cunning place. it hits me hard at times, but i think i'd like to live the rest of my life in child-like trust and get hurt rather than become a wily fox but live a scheming, unhappy existence. maybe even this thinking is inherently kiddish. let God decide.

i can't deny that i've changed though. what i did when i was young, i did so out of obedience to my parents and for the blurry moral known as 'good'. now, i know Jesus Christ personally and i am living out my faith for Him in love rather than for mere concepts and beliefs, that i know will whittle away in time. also, where i used to laze about before the PSLE, i've learnt those crucial lessons during secondary school and i find an unfamiliar diligence possessing me. i've also moved out of my reclusive shell which swallowed me up after the disappointments of 2000. i've found life and love in God, in my relationships with others, in what i do. i look at the reflection in the mirror, look at my Sunday school picture and i can't help but laugh :)

i think the process of maturity has this dangerous beauty about it. through those turbulent years of puberty, anything can happen and affect one's life to swerve in the wildest directions. despite the basic mould that parents try to establish over their child, puberty tends to fling that out the window and turn the child into a grown adult, into his or her own person. in a way, that is frighteningly disconcerting. but it's also wonderfully fascinating, even more so than the magical metamorphosis that occurs when a caterpillar transforms into a butterfly. i know it's overstated, but lest it's meaning be lost, stop and ponder at that amazing transformation. then look at your own life and smile, weep, laugh, shudder at the multitude of events that have imploded to forge this very own you. perhaps i'm being child-like again, but it's lovely.

why am i being so philosophical this fine, sunny day? in typical fashion, mike's roundabout explanation. well, i've finally got my own bank account, which is quite a step. to be honest, my parents give me a lot of freedom but they also baby me a lot, which is a good-bad thing. so anyway, the account that was tied to my mum's has finally ceased to exist. on the way to lunch at Cheong Chin Nam Road, i noticed that Liquid Kitchen was opening a joint here, and i started thinking about me and alcohol, and how the 'forbidden fruit' of my younger days was now acceptable to my parents and to me. then i finally get home, sit down and feel philosophical. which is pretty much an old man's sport, but nvm. lol.

so, yeah, i'm growing out of my parents' arms and into God's alone. legally, i'm going to be responsible for my own actions, but, more importantly, i'm learning to become spiritually responsible for the way my life goes as well. it's as if stewardship was being steadily eased into my hands while faith is blossoming and singing a little song in my heart, a song that i pray will one day erupt into crescendo. but those days are still not yet here. right now, i'm on that in-between precipice that finely divides my youth and my adulthood.

maybe, in good time, i'll be singing those songs that you always hear, reminisicing about one's youth. unlike many of those sorry tunes though, i will look back on my now-fading youth with great fondness, because God was leading me through it all. "Remember your Creator in the days of youth...", and i pray that i've done just that, to the glory of God :)

blue like jazz

2006-04-04T20:26:00.000+08:00

i've finally finished reading that lovely book by Donald Miller. after getting used to the whole "Christian jargon" that most authors use, "Blue like Jazz" was visually refreshing and spiritually exciting. not surprising, considering how the author seems to gripe about the same cliches in Christianity that i struggle with as well. i've not had so many epiphanies reading a book since i slowly digested Philip Yancey's "The Jesus I Never Knew". it appears that i like books that challenge the way i think, the way most people conventionally think.

what i'm beginning to realise is that Jesus is one heck of a RADICAL! i mean, yah, Sunday school pictures show Him with long flowy hair, tending to sheep and sepaking to children. Then they zip to the crucifixion, resurrection, ascension and voila! The world is saved! perhaps it's time for me to discard those cliched notions in my head and reread the Gospels. Jesus kept the laws, yes, but not through legalism. not a boring lists of "do's and don't", like the religious leaders were doing, but through a pretty audacious claim: "do as i do!". now that is cool. it's even cooler because He actually meant it. for real. and it actually leads somewhere other than destruction.

then, i also want to know Jesus. like a friend. like someone i've just had a phone call conversation with last night. that kinda thing. i realised that it's been a long time since i've actually talked seriously to Him without expecting His response or anticipating His replies with the 'politically correct answer' as i think them to be. i've lost that sense of wonder, that mysticism that is inherent to faith. i don't know why 'mystic' is such a taboo word in Christian circles. i really think God is mystical. otherwise He'd been rational, explainable, ordinary and downright boring.

NO! God is out of this world, indescribable! if my God could be defined in totally rational, scientific terms, i wouldn't want to call Him God, because there'd be nothing about Him that makes me want to worship Him. i realised that it's no point engaging in philosophical, theological debates trying to prove that God exists. there'll always be someone smarter, with a quicker tongue and greater intellect than me, and he or she will prove conclusively that God does not exist. or that He's evil and nasty and vindictive.

which suits me just fine, actually, because i know that nothing that anyone says can ever take away the experiences that i've had with God. personal time with a friend. whom i love dearly.

my faith is like jazz. it likes to be free. it enjoys what it does. and it sings a soothing song in my heart, of a God who reigns on high.

vision

2006-04-02T22:39:00.000+08:00

another spate of visions again. it's been a while since i've last had one that's struck me so strongly and now i've had a handful. but just one that i will share.

i'm standing, crying, and i can feel the tears on my face, but i realise that i don't have a face. all i see is this blackish, barbed figure that looks hideous, like some mutilated scarecrow. as in all visions, i know somehow that this figure represents me. me, in my awful sinfulness, in my failings and brokenness.

suddenly, His face appears. i just know it's Him. and He's awfully close, inspecting this shredded rag-doll that is me right up close, as if He were a craftsman carefully analysing His work. i felt ashamed to be there with Him. but i couldn't get out because His gaze enthralled me and fixed me in His hand. so i surrendered and allowed Him to hold me and gaze at this manifestation of my weakness and ungodliness. then, He spoke in words that seemed familiar:

"You could spend your whole life feeling horrible and wretched, but everytime you come to me, I'll point out 'right there, there's a part that's beautiful'." Then He pointed at my centre, where i noticed there was an ember glowing, softly but strongly. He didn't say anything, but i knew He meant that He saw the heart of worship with which i truly sought Him.

therein ended the vision. i was crying, of course. i think every vision has that effect on me. but it struck me to the core. "Seek me with all your heart..." i wanted to shout out "I DO" but for the fact that i was on a bus. i know that desire alone is not enough, for i must live out my faith rather than keep it inside unseen. but i felt so glad knowing that God saw that i truly wanted to know Him and to serve Him, and that the focus should not be on the frightful barbs on the outside but on the glowing ember that could smoulder all those barbs and burst forth in me to shine HIS NAME!

Amen :)

slowly whittle away

2006-04-02T16:33:00.000+08:00

it's strange how i've learnt to accept it rather than fight it. for half a year, yes, it faded into the distance, but it's come thundering back with vengeance. i don't see why i can't seem to marry all the aspects of my life together into a single face. i'm pretty much the same, but also very different, altogether at once. i can sense that genuine, fledgling humility at one moment but drip with poisonous pride only minutes later. sometimes i can smile from the depths of my heart, other times i feel it plastered on my cold, hard face like cheap wallpaper.

perhaps it exists in everyone, i don't know. i'm trying my best to shear off the unsavoury dimension of me and nurture the fruit of the Spirit as much as i can. however, if i were a farmer, it's as if i were throwing a mixture of fertiliser and weedkiller on the same patch of field at the same time. i find myself wrestling with this agonising dichotomy at almost every moment, even when i'm sitting on the bus, glazed eyes staring out at seemingly nowhere. all that while, my mind is furiously battling what feels like a losing battle for goodness and godliness.

i guess it would help if someone told me that this is pretty normal. or if there were a way out. i've heard and read a lot of helpful advice that has nudged me helpfully in the right direction, but somehow or other, it just gets throttled by some weakness of mine. pride, perhaps. or laziness. i desperately, desperately want to honour God with my whole life, but right now, it feels like a 50-50 ratio.

if only there were a way to change conclusively. one thing i've learnt in life though, is that nothing comes easily or instantaneously. it's always the hard, long journeys that are most satisfying and most rewarding, with that glorious view on the mountain top, before realising that there are even higher mountains to challenge.

bless the broken road

2006-03-28T00:43:00.000+08:00

embrace cheesiness.
post a blog post with lyrics. again.
love your girlfriend out loud.
declare unpayable debt to God.
smile. laugh. love.

Every long lost dream led me to where you are
Others who broke my heart they were like Northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

of course i wouldn't know. God has His plans that wind and confound. but whatever happens, you've made me smile that stupid smile even stupider than before.

for that, thank you.

my aldersgate moment

2006-03-26T16:46:00.000+08:00

"In the evening I went very unwillingly to a society in Aldersgate Street where one was reading Luther's preface to the Epistle to the Romans. About a quarter before nine, while he was describing the change which God works in the heart through faith in Christ, I felt my heart strangely warmed."

- John Wesley

It's strange how your day can sometimes mirror what you are hearing without you realising it until it hits you like an amazing revelation. Today was the first time for me.

My struggles this week haven't been of the monumental sort. i wish they were sometimes, because the big things are easier to handle. but no, it wasn't to be the case. little things like death striking people who aren't particularly close to my heart but are familiar faces nonetheless, and altogether in a week. the usual case of sinning too: doing what i'm not supposed to do and not doing what i should be doing; more often it is the latter rather than the former that weighs me down. then there's that distance from God, not having heard His voice clear and still above the storm for so long.

if problems were like raindrops, i'd rather they come all at once like the torrential downpour instead of trickling in like the greyish drizzle. it perpetuates for a forever and more, and it drags your spirits down into the muddy slosh it forms. but enough on this, because this is about my mini-aldersgate.

i was learning about the history of the church and Methodism today. unlike the previous sessions on theology, doctrines and all, this stuff really excites me. i like hearing stories [which fuels my interest in history] and the story of the church really gets me going. i hear about amazing things that i've never heard before, like how Christianity spread into Asia first before going into Europe. the missions into China in AD600. the matyrdom of the Christians in Persia. the internal conflicts within the church. it was almost like a fantastical tale that no writer could weave, save for the master Author of life.

hearing about the failure of the church because of human weakness jolted me from my drudgery. it was as if a little ember that glowed in my tired heart suddenly burst into scorching flames, forcing me to take notice. i've spent months having my determination to pursue missions wholeheartedly whittle down, my faith being rocked by thunderous winds, feeling discouraged by the consuming darkness. then, this song bursts out in my ailing heart and calls me to sing along.

for the first time in months, i felt convicted, reaffirmed. my problems didn't disappear. God forbid they should. the dead remain departed. the words uttered remain spoken. but there was now a refining fire were there once was none, and the song it sang made all the difference.

as i learned about John Wesley, founder of the Methodist church, struggling to serve God in his frail humanity, making terrible mistakes and facing discouraging circumstances, i felt a strange bond with him. yes, a man who lived more than 200 years ago. just like he felt when he trudged to aldersgate, i felt similarly discompelled. but the message he heard there and then woke him from his stupor, and left him feeling strangely warmed, just as i, hearing all that has been said, feel similarly warmed in that shadowy recess of my heart. the fog that seemed to cloud my thinking turned out to be a passing veil, at this moment drawn away to reveal the road ahead to higher peaks.

so, even as the fire singes and sings, it sets me alight as well as i sing along in its curious melody. it seems strangely familiar, as if i know the tune but i have forgotten the words. the flames roll to my tongue, and my voice then sparks into the familiarity of this unknown language. and i could speak, sing forever, in this tongue of the Spirit, knowing that the words to sing come from Him alone.

and He sings the same tune too.

this road that we travel

2006-03-22T20:48:00.000+08:00

before i begin, let me make a general apology to everyone if i appear a bit distant and off-focus. i've been shortchanging myself of sleep and feeling really bleagh. my head is spinning a little and i think my body is trying very hard not to fall sick so i won't give up the fight yet. shall wait till i'm wheezing, sneezing and feverish before i finally consign myself to bed.

anyway, to CT grades. generally meeting expectations for all 3 subjects [although i'm still missing half my history grade for now]. 68.5 for GP isn't bad, considering how i thought the paper was rather difficult. my 65.7 for Econs was a bit disappointing, but seeing the difficulty of the paper and the relative results of everyone else, i should be quite thankful. likewise for history, because a 31/50 is nothing to feel really good about, but compared to everyone else, it isn't too bad. my TSD got a C+, with quite a bit of encouragement from the teachers, so i feel rather content and ready to head forward.

actually, i appreciate TSD in a peculiar way. sometimes, i tend to get carried away with my hubris. even now that i've dropped lit, knowing that the lit dept "all felt quite stunned", as mr ng put it, was disconcerting but quite a compliment at the same time. then the absurd situation of me topping hist and econs in class despite what i feel are disappointing grades make my head inflate a bit bigger.

so TSD comes along and pops that expanding balloon which is my ego and head. not that a C+ is bad, but seeing how the other sound designers both got As, knowing my good friends all did much better than me and also knowing that i'm a crass actor all keep me back down to humble earth. whenever my other subjects tempt me to totally slack off, TSD jolts me awake and reminds me to consciously keep working and improving myself. for that, i'm proud and glad to be a TSDian.

there's still a long journey to the prelims and the A levels, but i think i'm ready for the long haul, God willing. of course, it's too early to say. these exams are the biggest i'll ever have faced, i do have a relationship to take into consideration and, most importantly, there's a walk with God to take into account. furthermore, little surprises do make guest appearances in life more often than we'd like them to. nevertheless, i'll go the distance.

on a lighter note, V for Vendetta is an excellent movie. WATCH IT! :) the fight scenes do make you cringe at moments [hence its NC16 rating] but the political commentary and brilliant acting make it well-worth the time and money. it was an exciting and riveting blend of a didactic story line with an intricately-woven plot. simply sensational.

right. exhaustion is sapping my strength and there's still QT to be done. just ending notes to declare that 1) Oblivion: The Elder Scrolls IV is out, 2) i'm eyeing the Samsung E760 and 3) i have a Munchkn + other cool board games fetish. as is obvious, everything is rather expensive, so i'm looking for willing donors :) hahaha just kidding..i shall bide my time and leech from my parents [and savings. sigh.]

song

2006-03-20T23:49:00.000+08:00

the song on which the theme of my blogskin was based upon. it sings in my heart now.

I Want to Know You [In the Secret]
- Sonicflood

in the secret, in the quiet place
in the stillness you are there
in the secret, in the quiet hour
i wait only for you
'cause i want to know you more

i want to know you
i want to hear your voice
i want to know you more
i want to touch you
i want to see your face
i want to know you more

i am reaching for the highest goal
that i might receive the prize
pressing onward, pushing every hindrance aside
out of my way
'cause i want to know you more

for lack of a better title

2006-03-19T19:12:00.000+08:00

issues issues issues. everywhere, all the time. sometimes i wonder why the human brain doesn't just implode into some icky mess thinking about the many problems in life. ignorance is bliss.

if you think this post is going to be sad, moody and depressive, it isn't :)

over the course of the last few weeks, i've been slowly discovering the little things that make precious life worth living again. not just letting each day bumble on meaninglessly, but actually enjoying each day as it comes and relishing the gift of life.

inevitably, everything will come back to God. i was thinking on the bus ride home yesterday "yeah, God has given me so much. i don't feel like i deserve all this. heck, i don't deserve anything!" for once, i don't think it a cardinal sin to say that i'm right. it's true. that's why i believe in grace, in mercy and in giving, because everything i have now is a gift or a responsibility, and it's my place to treasure what i have.

i treasure those times i have in church, worshipping God. no, not just in church. alone in my room, or upstairs with the worship group or anywhere at all. the privilege of coming to God with all my terrible sins and still being called 'a child of God' isn't something i should take for granted. i know i'm passionate and i will continue to lavish praise unto the Lord :)

i treasure the family that i have. having had the holiday to play with them, i realised that i'm so fortunate to have loving parents and such fantastic siblings. when i hear of family arguments and quarrels, it tears my heart apart, because i don't know what i'd do in those circumstances. no family can ever be perfect, but at least we can love each other.

i treasure my girlfriend. yes, it will appear typical and cheesy. incessant phone-calls, smses, dates, flowers, etc... but i also know that God explicitly said 'yes', and if not for that, i wouldn't be enjoying all this now. it's helped to put the final nail in the coffin for the issue of evelyn, reawakened a true desire to honour God and, not to mention, given me a companion i can trust and love. imperfect, true, but God-willing. every moment.

i treasure my school friends. certainly, things happen. arguments. tension. misunderstandings. but i'm thankful that i've been put in VJC. it's given my schooling life a whole new dimension that never existed before. from the wide network of friends to the closest inner circle to my heart, i truly feel like part of a vibrant community that's helped me to look forward to every school day so much more than ever before. a daily item of thanksgiving, for sure.

i treasure my friends outside of school, because those who are still in contact with me are those whom i love most dearly. kimkangsmife goes without saying. to've maintained such bonds of friendship over such a long period of time and potentially divisive issues is really amazing. likewise, my church friends, some of whom i've known since i can remember and others newly-found, i look forward to sundays, because i get to fellowship with you and share a friendship that is truly unique to the Christian community.

and these are just the people whom i treasure. there's so much else.

i'm beginning to remember that my ability to play music isn't something i should take for granted. the emotional relief it brings me has comforted me countless times. that i told God "Lord, let me use the guitar to worship You" is no coincidence, considering how i'm not fantastic at secular songs but i revel in worship songs.

similarly, my enjoyment in the simple pleasures in life. after a taxing game of football in the sweltering heat and in my collared shirt and long pants, i thank God that i can enjoy these days of youth. that i can even play and enjoy football is God-given in itself. it wears me out, yeah, but i just have so much fun.

and my obsession with finding munchkin has revealed to me my innate determination which surprises me, yet doesn't, at the same time. i thank the Lord that i'm me, that's He's made me me, with my various strengths and weaknesses. the way i'm crafted is with love and, though imperfect, certainly just right for His purposes at this point in time. that never ceases to amaze me.

the warmth that He brings to my heart from every source just reminds me that life is worth the while after all.

resolutions

2006-03-17T23:32:00.000+08:00

1) i will give up alcohol until i'm actually legal because i almost got busted today.

2) i will find munchkin.

3) i will be a better team player because i've gotten horribly selfish.

4) i will master thai.

5) i will stick to my resolutions.

the true believers

2006-03-16T23:36:00.000+08:00

hooray for my new group :)

yes, it did feel mutually awkward at points. it would, since it was more of a decision of "imposition rather than invitation" [so here's an Cold War history cameo for you :P]. but then again, everyone was really good abt it and i felt extremely welcome. just wish bob could've been there too.

a little pep talk after dinner before games. much needed methinks. i enjoyed my time with PYMM C but i'll admit that i really screwed up at certain times. not going to repeat those errors again. at least now i know how the group works and a very direct warning abt my own personality. all i need to do now is learn the song :D

then, MUNCHKINS!!!! my now-favouritest and funnest game :) :) :) with Potted Plants and PollyMorph Potions and my favourite Friendship Potion [whee!]. despite various attempts by makoto and vernie to sabo me with curses and MAKOTO TRYING TO CHEAT [legally, actually. haha.], ming and i actually won! haha. ok. by some strange default. but it didn't matter who won. i really enjoyed myself and everyone else did too. we must go back there again!!! our little tryst with taboo was rather fulfilling too.

so anyway, after 2 hrs of fun, food and games, we pretty much split and left. i really can't put it into words. i still feel a bit awkward but i have a fantastic feeling abt things. not just good. really fantastic. i feel cautious but expectant all at once.

MUNCHKINS!!!

from the unexpected places

2006-03-15T22:01:00.000+08:00

take my world apart
i am on my knees
take my world apart
broken on my knees

i wrote an earlier post but it disappeared magically because of the loopholes in technology. no matter :)

becoz i've learnt that God sometimes has mysterious plans that can only come to fulfilment once the selfish ways of man are put to one side so that His plan can follow through. selfish ways, of course, including my own blindness and stupidity. in fact, sometimes, those plans have the exact same result as what man intends, it's just that God wants man to give Him the reins. but enough for now.. i'm not going to cry over a silly blog entry.

i went on an outing i was entirely intent on sidestepping because it would be immensely awkward. i watched a show i didn't intend to watch in the first place. i started single and morose and ended up attached and blissful. some lousy hollywood romance? possibly. the strange manner that kai and i got together? certainly.

there i was, having spent the whole week wrestling with my emotions and thoughts. i finally decided that, despite me thinking through this carefully, it'd be best to let God take charge. so i backed off. God smiled and nudged me back to the same goal, but along His route, not mine.

which turned out to be the major spiritual lesson for me over the course of the last month or so. with groups, after all the stress and bother, i finally decided that it wasn't for me to decide which groups i could join but for God and i tell Him so. and let kar mun + TSD gang work things out. which they do. and i'm really happy with the decision.

thank you groopeas :) i'll do all i can.

then there's the issue of me feeling rather reclusive. no-one likes to feel socially excluded, and even when it's not true, i guess i still have this stupid fear and paranoia for some reason unbeknownst to me. so there i am feeling an unfounded isolation and saif comes along with a few lines about dearest sharlene.

thank you shar. very very much. you've helped me to realise that i have so many friends, it's just that i overlook them in my blindness.

and from all the unexpected places comes the most eye-opening lessons and the widest smiles in my heart.

thank you God.

rebound

2006-03-14T13:04:00.000+08:00

i need Thee every hour, most gracious God
no tender voice like Thine can peace afford
i need Thee every hour, stay Thou nearby
temptations lose their power when Thou art nigh

hahaha... always a hymn-singing Methodist at heart :)

i feel a lot better. all i really needed was some time alone, Jars of Clay and my Bible. which i haven't had all together at once for a long time. i guess i struggled for so long because i wanted things to be under control. i finally realised that they are, just not mine.

i started playing morrowind again!!! haha... unlike other RPGs, there's no linearity, no constraints, so i go around audaciously stealing items right in the open, killing quest characters, getting myself killed jumping into lava and such, basically reconfirming that mike is most retarded. when oblivion [i.e. the fourth instalment in the series] comes out, i'm going to be supremely anti-social and play for hours on end. whee!

ok mike quit being dumb. just using this hols to take a mega-break from stress. i must apologise to kai for screwing up our day together yesterday by being overly affected by so many things. to avoid a repeat of like circumstances, i shall remember the following:

1) i'll let groups settle themselves. whatever happens, happens.
2) sleep MORE and drink LESS [if at all] before an impt day and don't stay up watching football, as impt as that is too
3) things screw up because they're given a chance to. as far as possible, nip the problem in the bud.
4) appreciate the ones who stay by you in your worst moments

and thus ends mike's plan of action.

actually, not quite. the basic foundation beneath all this is still that i should 1) love, 2) trust and 3) enjoy God. only then will i achieve all of the above. in faith :)

oops. i just washed the bottle of bacardi breezer which was being attacked by ants. i think they got drunk for a bit there. i should remember to clear things from my room a tad more often and not let it transform magically into a pig sty, thereby incurring the wrath of mother and girlfriend. both at once would be disastrous.

okies, tis late. i wanna have lunch but i haven't quite decided where yet. i'll take a stroll around. my sis is coming back today, my mum and bro will be back on thu and my dad next week, bringing a close to mike's days of monastic [lol] isolation at home.

all manner of sins

2006-03-13T23:45:00.000+08:00

i shouldn't have drunk but i was inspired by jack sparrow, having just watched pirates of the caribbean rather belatedly [i.e. only just]. i'm feeling rather all over the place now. there's physical workshop tmr but i can't find it anywhere in me to want to go. i know i should.

in desperate need of redirection. life, with all its little twists and bends, trips me up once again.

to hope, then, and to love.

consider this

2006-03-12T16:18:00.000+08:00

ok, i'm not particularly morose or melancholic. i haven't been since getting with girlfriend, thankfully, but this is perhaps the lowest ebb since then. a lot of things running through my head.

well, to begin with, there's TSD, as always. i wouldn't say i'm 'losing confidence in TSD'. i firmly believe in what the programme aspires to achieve and without TSD, i wouldn't be in VJC, i wouldn't have recovered from evelyn, wouldn't have made such strong bonds of friendship, etc... i love the course. the problem is that i'm not fantastic at it. after watching yesterday's pieces [esp rowell's. golly.], i felt more than a little untalented. yes, yes, i know i have my gifts, such as history and lit [haha] but as i watched talia, tash, rowell, saif, darrel, maya...the whole lot essentially, i couldn't help but wish i had the vision and talent and drive. i've always admired people with such creative capacity but i can never be them. i guess i should be a bit more confident lah.

and dearest Groopeas, don't worry abt me!!! haha. thank you for taking such pains to explain the situation to me but, honestly, it was unnecessary. as personal friends, you rank among my closest. i would never upset your theatre. really. all i needed to know was 'no' and 'professional reasons', and that would've been enough :) i shall find my way around.

i guess i just feel socially withdrawn this year. not anti lah. just the opposite of vernie. last year, she hung around with kai and i a lot and this year, she's expanding her social circles. i built a lot of bridges last year but this year, i seem to keep to myself much more, at least within TSD circles.

it's not like i don't have friends. i do. kai and vernie, for sure, and also yish and saiful [love you guys!!!]. but vernie's busy, yish has turned into a mugger-toad [haha] and kai's now my girlfriend. i still feel comfortable around alvin, yvette and quite a few non-TSDians, but that's outside TSD and a non-issue. some pple will say that 'oh, it's because you have a girlfirend' but it really isn't. i can't quite place it. maybe it's because i miss corrie. and also the whole trauma of the group prelims affecting me inperceptibly. i dunno. as vernie and kai would already know, my social confidence in TSD circles is at an all time low.

not a reflection of the course though :) i still have great friendships with juniors and i would never relinquish TSD [not that i can]. i'm just at a loss trying to explain why all this has happened.

on further reflection, i think it's a negative shift in my entire life for the last few months and this is just a spin-off. the explosion of my temper twice in two weeks still scares me when i think back. the extremely unhealthy anger/frustration with _____ drags me down a lot. everything's going well at home at least, but because of my course, i haven't had the time to interact with my church friends as much as i'd like, although i'm still very comfy around them. i suppose it's all for a purpose which i can't quite see right now.

it's probably hubris. after rising out of the ashes of my last broken r'ship, i forgot where all my blessings came from and began to think that i could do things alone. such good results in my promos and seeing my life go back on track, it's so easy to revel in inward pride. i've touched the bottom of this latest threshold that God has set for me. now, it's pretty much to bounce back in the manner which has defined my Christian walk so far - up, down, then soaring higher than before again.

find me again

2006-03-11T20:51:00.000+08:00

whisper my name in the quiet place, in my darkness reveal Your face. how do i come to You in contrite surrender and reverent awe? as shadows fall across my path, fulfill Your promise and light my path. i want to open up my heart and let the Healer set me free.

somehow, i know you're not quite where you used to be. you're there, no doubt, that i know, but i've lost that drive and passion that used to propel me in the past. it faded months ago, glimmered fleetingly over the last month, hinting revival, only to be disappointed by a return of my spiritual malaise.

laziness cripples my walk, i'm sure. where i would wake up each morning and thank you for giving my breath and life for a whole new day, i now roll out of bed and grumble, forgetting that your mercies are new every morning. i can't discipline myself to journal consistently and so i flip through, pretending that i'm actually engaging but really not. uncharacteristically, i seek the end and not the means. i pray all the time, but only because it's convenient.

i have stopped challenging myself. i don't make it a point to 7/7, or to memorise verses, or to do anything. even my thai has come to a standstill of late. sure, i'm busy and stressed, but wasn't i the same in J1? that never hindered me from touching your immesuarable glory. now, i flint like a pale shadow of my old new self, dawdling on the race-track and not running.

it used to be just you and me. everyday. i remember it so clearly. how i longed to be in your embrace and never want to leave, even when the bell rang. i miss those times.

now, there are countless distractions, innumerable expectations. despite my pretence, i know i haven't drawn out of the rat-race as much as i'd like to. i know i'm running the wrong race. i've lost my focus and not made you my first priority.

oh, that you would find me again and fill me up again! i thirst, hunger, ache for you! God knows how much i miss you - because you are God. draw me back to you, dear Lord.

a sense of completion

2006-03-11T02:11:00.000+08:00

glad tidings of comfort and joy! my prelims are over :)

ok, TSD prelims only lah. but still... v impt can? hahaha... i'm quite happy it's over, having stressed about for the longest time, but now that it's over and my journal is done, i really feel like bludgeoning my way on. for the sake of sanity and better sense i shall refrain from doing so.

anyway, methinks i panicked too much. bleagh. maybe my piece wasn't that bad after all. it was different from what other people presented because i really, really wanted something simple and true to my heart. so screw the grade lah [oh, i actually said 'screwed up' and a lot of other colloquialisms in my interview :X]. i'm content with my piece and v happy with my lovely crew [liting and vernie darling included] :)

i actually watched quite a few performances today and belatedly realised what a talented bunch i'm privileged to be among. i'm sure everyone would agree that talia's was a grand finale, but in all, every piece was good. yay. i love TSD.

*yawn* quite tired. sitting in front of the computer, twirling around in my chair like the retard that i am, sipping an exquisite mug of apple juice with aloe vera. i feel refined. like petrol. ok i'm not making sense any more. i think after long, tiring exam day and outing with girlfriend, mike is in state of happy delirium.

before ending, i will declare my immense love for liting and vernie who crewed for me and saved my piece. girlfriend, for DUH reasons. yish and makoto for the continual show of support. DiDi, for making me feel a lot better by actually forcing me to let her in. alvin for being my lovely friend and letting vernie off for my slot. and much love to all for being of any kind of support, esp those who actually wanted to watch my piece.

yes, i smoke. a lot. with aplomb. i'm probably a chain smoker by now. dearie dearie me.

to sleep, to wake, to the final exam day tmr. *boing*

calm before the storm

2006-03-09T22:44:00.000+08:00

actually, a lot of calm and no real storm :) i'm actually not too anxious about tomorrow. yeah i did catch a handful of performances and sneaked a peek at a couple of runs, which should pressurise me but it isn't quite, really. i know my visuals are utter crass and the piece is still a bit raw but i love it and i'm gonna give it my best shot.

to be sure, i've made sure i've got most of my stuff and i should be headed off to sleep very soon. before i do, a big congratulations to the people who finished their exams today!!! :) of course a big SHOUT OUT and apology to kai, whose performance i missed because Cook was rambling on about Games Theory. well done to yish and ming too, whose pieces i managed to catch.

actually, S papers are quite fun. people think i'm crazy by taking 2 S papers. load of bull. that's because other pple take them for the sake of scholarships/looking good/etc... i take them because i love them!!! :) look, i'm made in a way such that if i hated them, i'd drop them. period. Sayers' lessons are amazing, which goes without saying, even though i pretty much felt like a lamb to the slaughter with my presentation today. Cook is unbelievable too. he's damn funny, damn interesting and really damn good!

other highlights of my day include the fact that my band made it to the semis of musicfest! oh joy. i'm quite glad, really, to have even made it here. i also had a komala's outing... haha.. it really isn't bad at all! :)

ok tired tired tired. my journal beckons but can wait for now. to prelims and beyond!

by the way

2006-03-07T21:45:00.000+08:00

things i would like to tell the world, btw:

1) in case anyone's been wondering, kai and i have been together for more than a month now. congratulate us on our amazing ability to maintain [some] secrecy and having a rock-solid friendship to cover it all up anyway :)

2) no, no and a thousand times NO. vernie is NOT a lamp-post or a gooseberry or anything like that. i love her. kai loves her. she loves us both. we want to go out with her!!! has everyone suddenly forgotten that we were always a TRIumvirate? fools :P

3) i like to shop for, buy and wear branded ankle socks. which is comforting, unique and utterly senseless all at once.

4) i've never worn a pair of jeans in my life.

5) i miss lit terribly

6) in a utopian existence, i would be A: a professional jazz drummer, B: a professional jazz electric guitarist, C: some highly-respected political scientist or economist. unfortunately, i lack the ambition, drive and calibre to achieve any of the above :(

7) kang and i built our relationship in the weirdest possible way: by going after the same girl. [?!] and, btw, we've never argued in our 7 years :P

8) meanwhile, smife and i have been close friends for 13 years :)

yes, just a collection of facts from mike's topsy-turvy life. i shall presently hit the sack.

ow.

with every breath

2006-03-06T23:02:00.000+08:00

when the night seems so long
throw your hands to the sky
you can sing a new song
wipe the tears from your eyes
when you're weak He is strong
He can heal your wounded soul
and calm the storm inside

Ah. A much needed break. despite my early morning misgivings today, God really made a way where there seemed to be no way. first, there was the news that the studios had been locked down due to the attitude of our batch, etc... although it was damning news, it somehow comforted me. don't ask me why. i just felt immensely relieved once i got the msg for some reason unbeknowest to me. perhaps it was the concern of my juniors (thanks Tan Ying!!!) that moved me. maybe the news gave me a hint that things would be strangely wonky today. regardless, it started off the day well.

then again, i was up since 4am or so blogging then working anyway. i managed to get quite some work done before leaving for school. my cue sheet for the juniors was thrashed out, i finalised some points about my piece mentally and hyped myself for slot later, wherever it may be and whatever it might turn out to be. i also whacked Hist S like free :) i know i have a lot of work and stuff, but i feel comforted by the familiar challenge of history. i really don't mind doing the hard research and work. at least it's something i like very much and i'm actually good at [unlike TSD, for instance, which i enjoy very much but also suck terribly at].

so, off to school at 10am! with much less trepidation than i thought :) kai wasn't there yet, strangely enough, and i was tired, so i kinda wnadered around, distributing my script and briefing my lovely juniors about the coming slot. when kai finally came, we fenced for a bit and slacked off for a lot more before Saiful came, so i buggered off and managed to have a mini-slot with 3 juniors in a classroom. twas gd :) they got their cues well and i felt very much more at ease.

lunch with kai. broke the news to randall who, unsurprisingly, was unsurprised. chat for a bit. met sean to discuss History S project and stuff. zipped off for my slot proper.

and it was a great slot! ok, so i was stuck in a classroom and not everything was perfect, but it was good enough. the first moment was relatively perfected and the piece in general sounded alright. maybe C or D, which i wouldn't be too disappointed with. A/B can come later. i swear i am going to treat my juniors big time. we talked crap for 10min for what was supposed to be a focused 45min slot and still managed to finish 10min before time. i think i underestimate them. hm. they'd better not be reading this or their egos are going balloon :P

then YAY. my favourite triumvirate trooped off to Starbucks at PS to have coffee and chit-chat for the first time since vernie was rendered useless by illness [instead of simply being useless ;)]. oh gosh. i haven't had so much fun for ages. we talked crap, laughed till we cried and hung up the phone on an interviewer for a Chinese newspaper [ok. i did. but come on! me? chinese?!]. that was possibly the most enjoyable time i've ever spent with the both of them. and vernie didn't get lost too and [wait for it] gave DIRECTIONS TO SOMEONE!!! -wow- hahaha.. *dodges smack* i love you dear. missed you very much.

i got back home, grabbed my dinner plate, scooped everything that i wanted and chionged upstairs to eat in front of the comp and work, much to the bemusement of my sister and my mum. well, i needed to work!!! anyway, i got a lot of stuff done today. main elements of my journal are there already, including the daunting tabulated cue sheet :) i feel very much accomplished in TSD for once. yay.

so here i am, having some crucial time off to chill and to blog. i fiddled with my electric a bit, having gotten it back and bought a new cable to use. there's still the whole Hist S presentation to do, but i'll leave that for tmr. perhaps it's time to just stop and thank God for a day that turned out so much better than i expected it would. truly, truly, 'through Him who gives me strength'! haha.. i don't know where all this energy came from, but it's certainly not of my doing.

so here it is. thank you God for every breath that you give me. every life breath is a reminder that you love me and care for me, because you're always remebering to give me strength for the next breath. thank you for my family, whom you've placed in my life to build me up and sustain me with love that comes from you. thank you for my friends in every area of life and of various closeness; kimkangsmife outside of school, kai and vernie inside of school, not forgetting alvin, yvette, saiful and yish. thank you for showing me love that i don't quite deserve.

because of you, i have hope. i have faith. i have love. i have life.
thank you

under duress

2006-03-06T03:55:00.000+08:00

hello. mike is bloody stressed.

yeah. it's almost 4am and i'm awake. ok so i slept at 9pm last night but i had a horribly turbulent evening. thank God that my illness hasn't exploded into a full-blown episode of rasping and nose-sniffling. it would totally take me down right now. at least i'm still functioning, albeit tired and struggling with some minor symptoms. it's a lesser evil, for certain.

khorpkhun phra-jao

it's my IS. i'm technically not 'scrapping' my old idea, just having to rework it massively. i'm chronically short of slots because, having changed venue, all the time has already been taken up. i'm scrimping here and there for time, and of course having to work with the typical problems of clashing slots and over-worked juniors. i hate having to push my juniors but i don't have a choice. i'm just...i dunno. desperately lost for words now. i feel extremely weak and incapable, and i really, really need to be God-reliant throughout this period or i'm screwed.

mee phra-ong

then there's History S presentation. i didn't push on with it as much as i would've liked while Sean and Vernie were taken out by illness. i tried getting what i can but i feel like i wasted my precious time earlier and now i'm having to juggle too many balls at once. i've done some work on it, yes, but not to my satisfaction and i don't think it's enough. sigh. i love love love History S but everything's kinda piling up.

gamlang yuu nay phra-ong

of course there are the various prayer commitments from people that i've promised to pray for. i feel spiritually-bound to pray for them and certainly, i desperately want to. but i'm feeling so distracted and constrained that i don't think i'm doing them justice. i would love to have a session for an hour or more where i just pray for all these concerns, but right now, i'm having to whisper quick prayers in between work and food. i don't know. it's still prayer i guess, and maybe i'm wanting to do too much.

mai phra-yesuu, mai chiiwit

i need prayer myself really. actually, no. I need God. not that He's far away or hasn't been here, but i need to keep hanging on to Him. i can feel the stress wrenching at my heart and almost making me want to cry. i'm utterly broken.

"Do not be anxious about anything but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God which transcends all understanding will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus... I can do everything through Him who gives me strength."

-Philippians 4:6-7, 13

Amen, oh Lord. Amen.

perhaps love

2006-03-04T22:50:00.000+08:00

perhaps love is the long-awaited reunion among primary school friends. the bonds of love that better with age, as fragrant wine. yes, as wine indeed, the reunion is bittersweet, a mingling of gentle smiles and painful tears. poured out slowly and carefully, the richness envelops you, knowing that you have years of shared history to draw upon. we part not definitively, but leaving that lingering taste in your mouth, knowing that there are many days ahead and experiences to share and endings to forge. kimkangsmife, you are all much loved and much thought about.

perhaps love is a simple message from an old friend. one whom you can trust and is completely honest with you, and has been there through the highest ups and the lowest downs. the realisation that he is under-appreciated but never protests such unwitting malignment. sending an sms, 'i'm happy you're happy'. thank you makoto, because you've been a stronger friend than i've cared to tell you over the years.

'perhaps, after all, romance did not come into one's life with pomp and blare, like a gay knight riding down; Perhaps it crept into one's side like an old friend through quiet ways; Perhaps it revealed itself in seeming prose, until some sudden shaft of illumination flung athwart its pages betrayed the rhythm and the music; Perhaps...perhaps...love unfolded naturally out of a beautiful friendship, as a golden-hearted rose slipping from its green sheath.' kai, you're perhaps the most unexpected bend in the road so far. not that i regret it :)

perhaps love is not found is fading flowers and handwritten letters, but in splintered wood and twisted bramble; not so much in interlocked fingers but in pierced palms. a valentine's day card will never provide as adequate a discourse as 1 corinthians 13 always will; honey-coated sweet-talk never the substitute for a rasping, dying breath of anguish. opening one's eyes to awake in the arms of one's beloved is deep romance enough, but greater still is the unfathomable love that rolls the stone away from the tomb. thank you Jesus, for being my first love always and showing me what it means to love.

because it's only because i had this love first that i can now love others.

perhaps, after all these years, i understand why love truly is the greatest of them all.

the big thank you post

2006-03-03T23:51:00.000+08:00

singapore river. jazz bar. girlfriend.

perfect.

yes, my jazz @ SB date went well :) perhaps for a guy who's been through the relationship rollercoaster, i should be accustomed to the whole notion of going out on a date. goodness, it felt like nothing ever before!!! haha... vernie had to rescue me. but by God's grace, things pretty much turned out well. while i know that 'every relationship is bound to feel different', i also know that this time it's not jus tthe r'ship that's different but that i've changed. the past year of learning, consolidating and making mistakes has made such a difference.

anyway, i thoroughly enjoyed myself. the music. the ambience. the company. oh mike, you sound like some lovesick fool. which is probably quite true. hm. i should stop gushing now. i would elaborate on my interesting cocktail [made with Manuka Honey vodka?! cool stuff!] and the Tequila Sunrise but i think that rambling on about alcohol wouldn't be too healthy.

that was yesterday. yeah, i really spent the whole day fretting about the coming evening so i got nothing done. which didn't bode well for today's slot which, to be honest, would have been a struggle anyway. i didn't fully prepare myself for it and it showed. i was quite easily stressed, even by my standards. and the juniors were understandably distracted since posting results came out today. actually, they were quite focused considering the context. i never doubt that they always give me their all. i wrestle with my own ideas and creativity. sigh.

thank goodness for Arika. she helped me to sort out a lot of major issues that i needed someone to knock me in the head in anyway. a big thank you to darrel and maya for being supremely understanding and giving me a period and a half of their night slot. i must say again that i appreciate it a lot a lot. same too for my juniors, who handled my last minute explosion of stress and change of plans. i promise i'll treat you guys in good time.

and of course, a tremendous thank you to kai [= best friend = girlfriend]. haha...for the cynic that you profess to be, it was really sweet of you to wait for me (ok, that was really asking for it). it prevented me from ballooning and imploding like some stretched stress ball. ok, even if it was to avoid going home for a bit.

oh wow. i actually just declared it publicly. ah screw it. it's not as if anyone doesn't know, you're all just too nice to say it. haha.. thanks. it would be quite awkward, really. it's just been for longer than most might think :) so thanks to corrie, vernie, liting and alvin for being our keepers! [so now you know who can lie very well :P]

alright, it's getting pretty darned late. i just came back from a rejuvenating prayer service in church. i've not been going back sufficiently for any kind of weekday ministry since i've hiatus-ed from the music team. need to find new areas or my walk will continue having stunted growth. ah well. just a little reminder to the people [inside/outside church] i promised to pray for, i will pray for you so rest assured.

golly i stink in my unshoweredness. off to the shower then!

metamorphosis

2006-03-01T22:22:00.000+08:00

it appears that a 'hiatus' and 'long time' to mike is the equivalent of 2.5 weeks. oh well. i'm back! :) much to the amusement of kai and vernie, i'm sure, who'll be rather unsurprised by my inability to contain my exhibitionism. WELL. i slogged away for so long trying to design this page without any HTML software or Microsoft Frontpage so i'd better be putting it to good use!

hahaha... anyway, it's the 1st of March and so much has happened today. to begin with, it was the release of the A lvl results. rather expectedly, corrie re-embraced total 0wn4ge, topping the arts fac with a perfect score and ranking amongst the top in Singapore. achieving all this, of course, while having had time to counsel me and guide me through my tenuous JC1 year. i'm so happy for you dear *hug* of the many people who come into and out of my life, you're certainly the most amazing and most loved of them all :) Brown beckons!!! thank you so much for everything - the inspiration to work hard, the advice that often guided me out of tricky situations and, above all, your love.

of course, with the results of the A levels come the little distraction known as my chinese results. haha. bane of my schooling existence. and i'm proud to announce that i got a...B4! yay! ok. pathetic suspense. anyway. i know it looks horribly measely in comparison to corrie's A, A, A, A, Distinction, Distinction, A1, A1, but STILL. hahaha :p B in chinese for me is like the world gone wrong! i'm overjoyed and i can finally drop my 'mother tongue' (as if my mum can speak chinese very much) and concentrate on my other ~~four~~ three subjects + 2 S papers.

which, of course, have plagued me this week since i've been slogging away at the common tests. well, ok, i only had 3 papers to contend with, and my strongest 3 as well, but it was still very hard work. GP wasn't an easy paper, although not too difficult either. nevertheless, my grade is pretty much up in the air for that, unpredictable as it is. econs, my love-hate subject, turned out to be a tricky paper. having failed to ground my knowledge in income inequality, i struggled with the questions on taxes, and my inadequate preparation for case study questions made that chunk rather tough too. thankfully, the paper was generally alright. and to history! today's paper. quite easy, methinks, although by saying so, i'm setting myself up to be disappointed. oh well. i thought it was. the results ae up to God, then :)

i should be worrying about the TSD prelims, but i'm in a significantly celebratory mood now, even as everyone else is mugging lit late into the night. kinda miss the subject but i know it's for the best, so i shan't regret. not that it'll do any good anyway. lol. (though it might just indulge harris. *chuckle*)

anyway, i'm looking forward to tomorrow evening! finally get to return to my beloved Jazz at South Bridge! yayness. and in lovely company too :) no prizes for guessing, but oh well... haha. to be honest, i never expected it to happen, but it's been a refreshing relationship and a worthy renunciation of my singlehood thus far. some mistakes, maybe, but rectifiable and certainly on good course for a much-desired long-term tenure. wouldn't settle for any less in any case.

and, of course, God is never far from the scene. yes, i have wrestled with my faith of late and, even now, i'm struggling to show Christian love to... yeah, you know. but still, this problem has pushed me more God-ward than anything else, because i'm more determined not to let it get in the way. whatever s/he does, i know it'll affect me, but with faithful friends around me, i can ensure that my walk continues in the right direction :)

ooh. smife just msgs me to arrange a meeting for the 4 of us on fri evening. sounds like a lovely island creamery date to me! i miss you people very much.

so much has changed. i rmbr saying that last year would be a transitional year and it's proved surprisingly true. my r'ships have all grown - with God, family, friends in school, friends outside school. a new life and fresh beginning, as i was always clamouring for after evelyn walked away. well, now that's settled, it's time to meet more challenges and live a life that God will be proud to own.

never forgetting the chapters past, turn the page and scratch the quill to begin anew